Scribbles and Bits

Rawlin: This morning, I woke up to rain against the window pane, my symbiont in my arms, and her claim in oil stained on my skin. We were warm and safe, dry and content, and I was happy.

I never thought I could be happy like this, after everything we've been through, after everything I've done. I had resigned myself to a life of loneliness and lovelessness, given up hope for anything better... and now, without my having done anything to earn it, here I am, with everything I have ever wanted, fallen into my lap. Truly, life is beyond prediction.

We are no longer in danger, no longer being hurt. Yes, we are dealing with the scars and shrapnel of the past... but we are dealing with them, and I am coming to believe butch when she says that nothing is ever going to come between us ever again. Each time a memory she had lost came up, I was so sure that she would realize what she had gotten into and leave, and every time, it instead becomes something we can talk about, grieve, and move through. It becomes speakable, bearable, healable. As impossible as it sounds, we become closer through it, and the more times this happens, the less frightened I become of the next one.

We cannot pretend that there is an Eden to return to, a time before scarring, for we were forged in the molten heart of violence, and if it hadn't existed, then neither would we. We can also never become the people we were before the god devoured me. There is no undoing that history. But... as impossible as it seems to believe, I'm starting to think that maybe this here-and-now is better, for all the weight and scars of the past, for all the uncertainties and tyrannies of the future. Because there is rain against the windowpane, and a butch who loves me, and I am joyous.

Mori: There's a thing that some of us can do, with headmates we're on very close terms with, a sorta New Agey body scan where we can close our eyes and sorta see what's going on beneath each other's skins. Rogan can do it with Mac, Biff, Bob, and Grey--I expect he's better at it since he's blind in the first place and used to using other means of sensing. Rawlin's also good at it; she just closes her haws and sees things as glowing headspace threads.

I can do it with her. And where her chest scar is, I can feel abyssal water pumping away, taking over the functions her heart had.

It feels like good symmetry; she sacrificed her heart to revive and power the headspace, and now the abyssal water that makes UP headspace seems to power her. I would way rather her have the waters pumping away in her than the family god.

Anyway my girlfriend is cute and you should tell her she's cute.( Photographic evidence! )

Mac: The ER stole the spotlight there, but this past Saturday, me and Ro had a potluck celebrating our 16th get-together-versary! We had maybe 15 people show up?

And it was a good crowd! Nobody knew everybody, but everybody knew SOMEBODY (besides us, I mean). Mixed demographics: some were singlets who knew us through comics, others were plural friends from the meet-up, others were friends we met from other social stuff or past roommates. There was a lot of delicious homemade food, and I had fun circulating around talking to everybody.

People used to get up in our face about "shoving our relationship into other people's faces." (For all I know, they still do, but they have the common decency to do it behind our back where I don't have to hear it.) But you know what I so don't regret? Being able to have fun potluck parties in the park, eating homemade spring rolls, brownies, and potato salad. I don't regret that AT ALL. I LIKE having parties!

It’s me and Mac’s anniversary!  And so, in honor of our seven fabulous years together, we are posting the recipe for our wedding cake (which we are baking once again today)!  This cake is delicious, easy, and vegan! (Even though none of us are vegan, and neither was the couple who gave us this recipe.  Funny story.)

1. Preheat your oven to 160 degrees C, or 320 degrees F.  Also grease your round cakepan.


2. Mix the following ingredients:

• 3 cups flour


• 2 cups sugar


• 8 tablespoons cocoa


• 1/2 teaspoons salt


• 2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder

3. Make three holes in your powder mixture, and in them put:

• 2 teaspoons vanilla


• 10 tablespoons canola oil


• 2 tablespoons of vinegar

4. Pour two cups of cold water on top of this and mix.
5. Pour your cake batter into your pan and stick it in the oven for an hour.
6. Pull out your fantastic cake and ice it if you want. (Mac and I usually just glaze it with honey.)
7. OM NOM NOM NOM!