Joy in the Here and Now

[lb_lee]

Rawlin: This morning, I woke up to rain against the window pane, my symbiont in my arms, and her claim in oil stained on my skin. We were warm and safe, dry and content, and I was happy.

I never thought I could be happy like this, after everything we've been through, after everything I've done. I had resigned myself to a life of loneliness and lovelessness, given up hope for anything better... and now, without my having done anything to earn it, here I am, with everything I have ever wanted, fallen into my lap. Truly, life is beyond prediction.

We are no longer in danger, no longer being hurt. Yes, we are dealing with the scars and shrapnel of the past... but we are dealing with them, and I am coming to believe butch when she says that nothing is ever going to come between us ever again. Each time a memory she had lost came up, I was so sure that she would realize what she had gotten into and leave, and every time, it instead becomes something we can talk about, grieve, and move through. It becomes speakable, bearable, healable. As impossible as it sounds, we become closer through it, and the more times this happens, the less frightened I become of the next one.

We cannot pretend that there is an Eden to return to, a time before scarring, for we were forged in the molten heart of violence, and if it hadn't existed, then neither would we. We can also never become the people we were before the god devoured me. There is no undoing that history. But... as impossible as it seems to believe, I'm starting to think that maybe this here-and-now is better, for all the weight and scars of the past, for all the uncertainties and tyrannies of the future. Because there is rain against the windowpane, and a butch who loves me, and I am joyous.

Comments

[wispfox]

*happy for you both*

[storyheight]

some time it's the small moments <3
-kc

[acorn_squash]

<3 I'm so glad.

[beepbird]

I'm happy you guys have each other after (and in spite of, and because of, and any number of things "of") everything. All the paths you could have taken and you're on this one, able to hold each other and find that healing. I'm glad of it.

[lb_lee]

Rawlin: others here have suggested to me that perhaps my background will prove to be useful in the future. I have a hard time believing it but am willing to accept the possibility, seeing how unpredictable life is proving to be.

[nightforest]

I really related to this, Rawlin. I think a lot of people here do. We're really glad things are better for you now.

-Bucky

[lb_lee]

Rawlin: it is nice to be in a good place, after so many years. I’m glad you have one too, Bucky.

[nightforest]

Thank you!

-Bucky

[mirrorofsmoke]

Y deserve this, Rawlin. All of that. You deserve it and more.
I’ve never met you myself, but our brain is full of fondness. People back here were rooting for you from the get-go. Not sure if you knew.
But I know very intimately that feeling of not thinking you deserve better, and I’m have to tell you you do.
Anyone who has been through what you’ve been through and still come out the other side deserves that love and connection and all the beauty.
-Angel

[lb_lee]

Rawlin: Thank you, Angel. I appreciate that. I hope I get to know you better.

Even if I don't fully understand why, I'm glad she came back for me, after all these years.

Mori: DEATH CANNOT STOP ME