![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Pavilion Hall and the Creation of the Term "Median"
That was about ten years ago, but a little while ago, I found out that Pavilion Hall hadn't done much of ANYTHING after its first six months in existence... back in 2002! And even those first six months didn't really get a lot done! It was like a Potemkin activist group! It was so weird!
The only thing Pavilion Hall ever seemed to achieve wasn't activism at all; it was coining the term "median," and even that was kind of mean and gross! So I thought this was a weird bit of plural history trivia worth talking about!
Intro
Pavilion Hall was an organization that described themselves as "dedicated to raising public awareness of healthy multiplicity through positive activism" (n.d. A). The Lancers were their partner group, whose "goal is to promote the equality of singlets, medians/midcontinuums, and multiples" (2003, August 3). Both groups involved the same theories, members, and websites; they were basically two faces of the same group, and none of Pavilion's mission statement is... really all that accurate, sadly.For instance, they upheld the idea of "healthy multiplicity" mostly by kicking out anybody who didn't look "healthy" enough. While Pavilion members "can come from anywhere," (2003, April 23) Lancers refused to take plurals who didn't maintain a certain standard of functionality and normalcy. "If everyone in your group cannot yet work functionally together in daily life, do not ask to join. If you wish to help the Lancers but haven't got things sufficiently together to be able to present to the world as strong, sane, and responsible, look elsewhere for help" (2002, October 8b).
Needless to say, we wouldn't fulfill this criteria! ;p But from what I've heard, er. I don't think many of the Lancers would have either. <_< From what ex-members have told us, and having MET some of the folks involved, we can safely say that the image was not the reality. It was a Potemkin activist group for Potemkin health.
And as for positive activism and public awareness... well, we only were on the edges in 2007-2008, but I can personally testify that pretty much none of that ever happened. <_< Rogan and Zyfron used to joke that it was actually an "INactivist" group! The only things I ever remember being done were mailing anonymous letters of complaint to television stations or newspapers, none of which led to anything concrete. It was actually what first inspired us to come out--we realized that there were very hard limits to what you could accomplish anonymously online.
And it wasn't just a 2007-2008 thing either! It wasn't much better in the early days, it turns out!
The Active Period
Pavilion Hall and the Lancers were founded in June 2002 (Pavilion, 2003 February 15). Ostensibly, all that was required to join Pavilion was "the willingness to support the work for respect and equality of all plural and non-plural types, actively if required," while the Lancers were more hardcore, "a group of singlets, medians and plurals dedicated to a particular philosophy of plurality and life," that of the Codex (Pavilion, 2003 April 23). Work immediately began on that Codex (Lancers, 2003 August 04), most of the content of which has been lost.For a few months, there's activity (Pavilion, 2004 February 10a), but it's mostly internal--online communities created, internal hierarchy and job positions named, members recruited, meetings held. A presskit gets made. Some essays are written for the Library--it's hard to tell how many, due to archive rot. There is one offline meet-up, called the Floating Tea-Party, in Connecticut from 8/30/02 to 9/1/02 (Pavilion, 2004 February 10b). No others are ever noted.
In November 2002, the groups are put on "winter break" (2004, February 10a). Nothing of substance is ever done afterward, except for a vague statement of "Pavilion editors begin implementing updates and changes" in July 2003 (ibid). And that's basically the end of Pavilion's "active" period.
In that time, they made a presskit, held one offline meet-up, and (if I'm being as liberal as possible) 26 essays and 12 media reviews (plus recycled 18 more). Which might sound impressive, until you realize that's kind of sad for a claimed roster of 30 members and over the course of four years--for contrast, that's about as much stories/essays we post, all by ourself, in that amount of time! And that's not including lectures, panels, events, and public appearances we make! We're one system who are too visibly dysfunctional to make it onto Lancers' roster, and we still achieved more alone than they did with a claimed membership of 30! Though Amorpha says their roster was padded by sock puppets (2017, September 22). <_<
Projects
Pavilion Hall started the following projects, and since 2002 made the following progress:Bananarama (later renamed Paperchase): "Send brochures to researchers and psychologists interested in plurality, collect and keep track of public opinion. Provide a real-time contact to replies." 263 brochures were sent out, as of 10/24/02 (2004 February 10c); the number remains unchanged to the present day (n.d. B).
Library: "Create a library of articles hosted on Pavilion able to be cited for essays and arguements [sic]" (2004 February 10c). This is the only project that has made much progress after 2002. Seven media reviews were written in 2003, one in February 2007, and one in September 2014 (n.d. C). (Also the 26 non-media-review essays are very badly organized. T_T)
Radiohead (later renamed RadioNow): "Arrange for an interview on Pacifica Radio presenting multiplicity as normal, debunking myths and outlining our agenda. [...] As of 9/8/03 nothing is happening on this project" (2004 February 10c). The sole change to the project since 2003 is that on the current version of the page, "As of 10/14/04 nothing is happening on this project" (n.d. B).
Armory (later renamed the Resource Section): "Creation of a resource area for Frontline [Lancer] members and others in Pavilion to be able to have backup in the form of essays and arguements" (2004, February 10c). In the old page from 2004, there are two complaint letters, a "Public responses to common questions and misconceptions," and a "Hall of Flames" (2004 January 30). Fifteen years later, all that has changed is that the Hall of Flames has been removed, another complaint letter added in 2007, and two links added by 2008: "How To Write A Good Complaint Letter" and "Guidelines -- Promoting Accuracy In Depictions of Multiple Personality" (2008 October 13). Despite over a decade passing, the 2008 links are still labeled with glittery rainbow "new!" text (n.d. D).
Northside: "Create a presskit including a cover letter, fact sheet, short bio sheet, copy of the brochure, and press releases as we write them. To be sent to media outlets with whom we desire an interview" (n.d. B). The presskit is completed on October 10, 2002, the sole Pavilion project to ever be finished (2004, February 10a).
Railroad: "Creation of a database for plurals to be able to access to find 'plural-friendly' businesses and services" (n.d. B). There is nothing there at all and never has been, far as I can tell. (But it's still up there as a project, seventeen years and a domain name later!)
The Lancers' Codex and "Fires" Theory
The Lancers' Codex is, in their own words, "a set of principles, definitions, essays, and a simple code of etiquette by which Lancers guide ourselves in our day-to-day lives and in our actions to bring healthy plurality to the attention of the general public. It stores our working definitions [emphasis theirs] of plurality and also ideas of how to bridge the gaps when people have trouble understanding" (2003, February 15). Despite this, their unified theory of plurality is abstruse and difficult to understand in its homebrewed metaphysicality.The backbone of this theory was "fires," which they defined as "primal sources of vitality and inspiration. They're your who-you-are, your True Name. Everyone has a fire of some kind -- whether you're singlet, median or plural. People have described fires as sources of creativity, pillars of strength, centers of emotional and spiritual refreshment, places of rejuvenation, people who are inspiring rolemodels to others in their plural group...in other words, a fire is a source of energy. [...]
"singlets possess a single fire that is their identity and their life motivation. [...]
"Medians, one body with many people, also possess a single fire, embodied in a person within the group. [...] Everything in that group is dependent on that one person. [...]
"Multiples, also one body with many people, may possess more than one fire. These are not necessarily embodied in a person... it could be the sense of identity with one's otherworld, or some element therein. Some persons in multiple systems are also fires -- sometimes called giving fires, they are people who are looked up to as exemplary, role models, someone who inspires and encourages those around them to perseverence [sic], excellence and other virtues." (2003, August 4)
So, in other words, a fire could be a person, or inspiration, or a church, or an identity, or a 8-volt battery. It's so vaguely defined and confusing that it's no wonder nobody could figure out what it meant!
Apparently the theory seemed incoherent even then; the next question in the FAQ is, "The description of fires confuses me. Is there any clarification for it?" (ibid) The linked explanations have mostly been lost to the sands of time but the one that remains is a rambling chat log that offers no clarity (Lancers, 2002, July 31). Under this categorization, soulbonders were considered medians (Lancers, 2002, October 8a).
But I can't find any proof that the term "median" existed before the Lancers!
The Creation of the Term "Median"
At the time of the creation of Pavilion Hall and the Lancers, "median" was not a term in use, at least not on alt.support.dissociation or Dark Personalities. The more common term for being between singlet and multiple was "midcontinuum," used for at least the prior five years on alt.support.dissociation, Dark Personalities (2002 December 24), coined by the Vickis (1997 January 25).
The only sign of any discontent with the term "midcontinuum" predating the creation of Pavilion Hall comes from Dark Personalities, which in their 2001 glossary of plural jargon defined "midcontinuum" as "Being somewhere on the spectrum between multiple and singlet. Since many people feel the idea of a continuum to be inaccurate, many are seeking a new term instead of mid-continuum" (2001, May 19). Astraea will later plagiarize this definition wholesale in their own glossary definition of "median" (2003, January 11).
Later on, Astraea credits Blackbirds (who helped found Pavilion) with the creation of the term "median," saying "The reason we chose median, a word suggested by the Blackbirds, was that it seemed to encompass multiples who did not dissociate in addition to those who did" (2008, May 11). But that isn't the original explanation given for why the term was rejected!
In 2002, Lancers and Pavilion rejected "midcontinuum" for its fluidity. "The original idea of Mid-Continuum was designed to be loose, and therein lay the problem - it was entirely /too/ loose. Multiples and Mid-Conts were not quite sure where the lines lay between them. It was used to describe a massive ‘shades of grey’ area between singlet and multiple. Unfortunately, there was no clear idea of where these ‘shades of grey’ actually ended, though they began at anything more than single" (Phoenix, 2002 December 13).
But the thing is, people ARE fluid, and shades of gray will exist and muddy the water! There never are strict binaries; reality never conforms to our mental categories, because we make those categories up and try to force reality into them, not the other way around! We've had friends who are sometimes multiple and sometimes not; friends who've integrated and then un-integrated and then found themselves fluctuating up and down the spectrum. We've had polyfrag friends who seem to act as clouds of system members, constantly forming and reforming. I would say that the very fluidity of the gray-area definition is part of its power and appeal!
And honestly, "median" can't escape that power. Astraea take up the term "median" in their glossary, a few months after Pavilion's creation (2003, January 11), copy-pasting the Dark Personalities definition for midcontinuum and reapplying it to the new term, median. The current edition of the glossary (n.d.) goes further and appends the Pavilion/Lancers "fires" theory to the definition, though stripped of its metaphysical baggage: "Persons in a median system may be dependent upon a single individual (who may have created them at some point), and unable to exist without that central person." It then goes on to discuss all the fluidity that Pavilion Hall protested midcontinuum for. Over time, "median" grew to be just as fuzzy and fluid as "midcontinuum" was!
However, the use of "median" to the exclusion of "midcontinuum" on Astraea's Web MPD/DID glossary may have something to do with the use of the term in subsequent plural groups. (And I am so perplexed by this, you don't even know. Like, why create this whole new term, only to apply all the same old baggage to it? And if it was originally the issue with the association with trauma or medicalization, why not just SAY that? And they STILL don't define it in a way that makes any sense!)
(EDIT: I have since found out that Vicki(s) was Astraea's ex. -_- Now everything makes sense. This term seems to have been created solely to cut Vicki(s) and their contributions out of plural history. And it seems to have worked; Vicki(s)' web site ceased to be updated in November 2001, a few months before Pavilion Hall's creation. See Vicki(s), 2001 November 30.)
Ableism and Internal Conflict
Despite their attempts to pull away from medicalization, an ex-member of Pavilion hall, Amorpha, have publicly stated that Pavilion Hall's true goal was medical acceptance. "That's what it was all driving at in the end: getting doctors to approve the existence of non-DID systems and/or having media portray them, because SOCIETY! SOCIETY! SOCIETY will never take us seriously unless we have a doctor's endorsement or SOME form of authority backing us up. Actually, one of the systems involved stated numerous times that people just didn't understand that healthy multiplicity would NEVER get anywhere until we could GET A DOCTOR TO BACK US UP" (2017, September 20).
Amorpha further reports that behavior within the group was aggressive, coercive, and degrading, and that the membership roster was padded with sockpuppets. "The split between Lancers and Pavilion was initiated by the groups in charge to get rid of Jen (yes that Jen) [no, I don't know who this is] and all the systems they didn't think were 'functional enough' and then they lied about it being because 'Lancers is a SERIOUS HARDCORE ACTIVISM GROUP, Pavilion is for people who can't afford to devote as much time,' and two of the median systems listed were actually sockpuppets created to 'promote the median concept' to people who identified as soulbonders or singlets and 'might not realize they were median,' and the system that took it over a few months before it folded went around yelling about 'we need fanatics right now' and 'THE CODEX MUST NOT BE CHANGED' and lecturing everyone who hadn't been screaming at people for 'not doing enough work,' for 'coddling them'" (2017, September 22).
The Present
Lancers have recategorized themselves as "devoted to explaining multiplicity to singlets" (n.d). Their Livejournal community hasn't been updated since 2012, and they are never discussed on the current Pavilion website. Pavilion seems to be trying hard to pretend the Lancers never existed, and the Codex and the fires theory is eluded to, but never referred to by name. (If you know what you're looking for, though, it's pretty easy to spot; it's mostly just had the word "fires" removed.)
Citations
Amorpha, Anzeu of. (2017, September 20). This is one of those Just Me (tm) opinions, but... [Dreamwidth Comment] Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://lb-lee.dreamwidth.org/881645.html?thread=4699885#cmt4699885
Amorpha, Anzeu of. (2017, September 22). RE: This is one of those Just Me (tm) opinions, but... [Dreamwidth Comment] Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://lb-lee.dreamwidth.org/881645.html?thread=4702701#cmt4702701
Astraea. (n.d.) Glossary [web page]. Retrieved from http://astraeasweb.net/plural/glossary.html#median
Astraea. (2003, January 11) Glossary [web page]. http://astraeasweb.net/plural/glossary.html Internet Archive. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20030111103116/http://astraeasweb.net/plural/glossary.html
Astraea. (2008, May 11) A brief history of midcontinuum [web page]. Retrieved from http://karitas.net/pavilion/library/articles/m_midconthistory_temple0902.htmlDark Personalities. (2001, May 19). Terminology [web page]. http://www.darkpersonalities.com/terminology.htm Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://web.archive.org/web/20010519115202/http://darkpersonalities.com/terminology.htm
Dark Personalities. (2002 December 24). Terminology [web page]. http://www.darkpersonalities.com/terminology.htm Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://web.archive.org/web/20021224163501/http://www.darkpersonalities.com/terminology.htm
Lancers. (n.d.). Livejournal profile. Retrieved from https://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=lancershill
Lancers. (2002, July 31). Discussion: fires [web page] http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/codex/discussion/fires7_31_02.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://web.archive.org/web/20030930035835/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/codex/discussion/fires7_31_02.html
Lancers. (2002, October 8a). Types [web page] http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/codex/types.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://web.archive.org/web/20021008151302/http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/codex/types.html
Lancers. (2002, October 8b). Members [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/codex/members.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://web.archive.org/web/20021008145107/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/codex/members.html
Lancers. (2003, February 15). Codex. [web page] http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/codex.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://web.archive.org/web/20030215083120/http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/codex.html
Lancers. (2003, August 4a). The Lancers' Codex. [web page] http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/codex/discuss.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/13 from https://web.archive.org/web/20030804093552/http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/codex/discuss.html
Lancers. (2003, August 4b). FAQ: fires [web page] http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/codex/faq/fires.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/13 from https://web.archive.org/web/20030804120312/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/codex/faq/fires.html
Pavilion Hall. (n.d. A) Livejournal Profile Page. Retrieved 2019/03/10 from https://pavilionhall.livejournal.com/profile
Pavilion Hall. (n.d. B) Projects. [web page] Retrieved from http://www.karitas.net/pavilion/projects.html
Pavilion Hall. (n.d. C) Library: Media Reviews. [web page] Retrieved from http://www.karitas.net/pavilion/library/library_media.html
Pavilion Hall. (n.d. D) Resources: Multiple Personality In Media [web page]. Retrieved from http://www.karitas.net/pavilion/resources.html
Pavilion Hall. (2003, February 15). Purpose [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/purpose.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/13 from https://web.archive.org/web/20030215080433/http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/purpose.html
Pavilion Hall. (2003, April 23). Pavilion Membership [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/members.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/13 from https://web.archive.org/web/20030423202658/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/members.html
Pavilion Hall. (2004 January 30). Pavilion Armory [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/armory/index.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/13 from https://web.archive.org/web/20040130221002/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/armory/index.html
Pavilion Hall. (2004, February 10a). News [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/news.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/13 from https://web.archive.org/web/20040210201305/http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/news.html
Pavilion Hall. (2004, February 10b). Activities [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/activities.html Internet Archive. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20040210195927/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/activities.html
Pavilion Hall. (2004, February 10c). Projects [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/projects.html Internet Archive. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20040210201935/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/projects.html
Pavilion Hall. (2008 October 13) Resources: Multiple Personality In Media [web page]. http://www.karitas.net/pavilion/resources.html Internet Archive. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20081013015309/http://www.karitas.net/pavilion/resources/index.html
Phoenix. (2002, December 13). Medians [web page]. http://www.kitsune.cx/~amaliel/median.html Internet Archive. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20021213014352/http://www.kitsune.cx/~amaliel/median.html
Vicki(s). (1997 January 25). New web page [Newsgroup message]. Retrieved from https://groups.google.com/d/msg/alt.support.dissociation/Dg4ZDCSBsMc/NJgeh7QSYlMJ
Viciki(s). (2001, November 30). Vicki(s)' Web Site [Home of the Wonderful World of the MidContinuum]. http://www.asarian.org/%7Evickis/index.html Internet Archive. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20040603045556/http://www.asarian.org/%7Evickis/index.html
no subject
no subject
--Mori
no subject
And the thing is, we were really enthusiastic and fired up to work on it, at first! It was just that-- again, being totally honest here-- it got hijacked early on by the Blackbirds' obsessions with categories and ranks, and suddenly we were told that Lucas of the Blackbirds was in charge of the project and no one was to question this, when we had envisioned it as more of an egalitarian thing. They didn't seem to know HOW to run anything except as a top-down chain of command. Then we were being told that the first and most important goal for us was to propose a "new model" to replace the DID model, and that was what "fires" was supposed to be. Somehow. We felt even at the time that this couldn't possibly get us anywhere, but the Blackbirds would get angry at anyone who questioned it-- slightly angry to their face, but they would rage at and insult them behind their backs. We saw how they talked in private about the people who questioned the "fires model," and at the time, we were afraid of being ripped apart behind the scenes the same way. (We would be, eventually, but we didn't find out about it until two years after it happened.) So we were like "okay, fine, let them have their fires, hopefully they'll see in time that it's not as all-encompassingly important as they think," which... didn't happen.
For instance, they upheld the idea of "healthy multiplicity" mostly by kicking out anybody who didn't look "healthy" enough.
While Pavilion members "can come from anywhere," (2003, April 23) Lancers refused to take plurals who didn't maintain a certain standard of functionality and normalcy.
The "functionality" thing often made us feel like we didn't deserve to be there, and we often felt it was the reason for why we weren't allowed to do more and why our ideas weren't taken more seriously. We were in our first year of university at the time, without adequate disability accomodations, and were struggling to keep up with our courses. We were also still running on "well, we're autistic, but we're not THAT autistic, we're VERY high-functioning, we can be completely normal with a little bit of effort." And no, actually, our sensory dysfunction was very disabling for us at the time, but we had nothing to compare it against, so we had no idea how far from "normal" it was. We were starting to realize that we were lying to ourselves about the "we can be completely normal with a little work" thing, but we didn't want to admit it. So in the middle of that, the Blackbirds and Hondas were presenting themselves as paradigms of Successful Plurals, and they did have excellent grades and jobs and lived independently and everything we had never been able to hold onto for more than a short time, at that point.
So.... yeah, it hit us, years later, after actually getting to know other disabled people, how ableist the vague criteria for "functionality" and "working together in daily life" were. I remember it being handwaved a few times with "It means you won't be irresponsible and say 'but my alters did it, not me'", but at other times, they were really pushing "we want to show people that we can have degrees and jobs and cars and apartments just like anyone." And, like, for one... those are very culture-bound measures of "success," and for another, we never got the impression that most of the people on groups like alt.support.dissociation DIDN'T have degrees, cars, and jobs. The stereotypical MPD/DID patient in a lot of places, at the time, was still considered to be someone who had gone through all the "standard" rites of adulthood and then began to melt down in their 30s or 40s.
Probably the biggest reason for the lack of concrete action, during the active period, was the massive organizational gridlock that mainly seemed to exist because of the Blackbirds' obsession with hierarchal order. I mean, there were five systems really involved with it, five bodies, so not a lot of work reasonably COULD be assigned. But Lucas really seemed to like "delegating work" and giving "assignments" after the weekly meetings. We would have meetings, then he or Gina would come up with a weekly essay topic and say we needed to write an essay on that for next week, and then rag on us for "not doing your work" if we said we didn't feel this was as important as other things we could be doing. I mean, ffs, this isn't school! Why are you giving "assignments" to the people who have ALREADY signed on board with your project and agree with your goals? Every time we tried to propose something we thought would be more useful as activism, they would shoot it down with rationales like "We can't do that until we're more organized and can prove to anyone who doubts us that we're all functional and capable of holding our own in day-to-day life."
Though Amorpha says their roster was padded by sock puppets (2017, September 22).
Yeah, there were two of them-- "Jessamy," the Blackbirds' median system, and another median journal I can't remember the name of, run by Astraea. I don't mean these were subsystems of their groups listing themselves separately. I mean that, as far as I know, they were people who didn't actually exist. They were characters that the Blackbirds and Astraea were playing out on LJ to "show singlets coming to understand that they were medians," to promote the concept and the use of the word. In other words, more roleplaying. And as far as we know, it didn't really influence anyone that much.
Also, in practice, the Lancers side was the only group who ever actually did much of anything. A lot of people were signed up for Pavilion, but almost none of them participated in any of the proposed projects. It really seemed like the Blackbirds and Hondas wanted as small and closed a group as possible because it was easier for them to micromanage every aspect of people's public presentations and actions that way. There were maybe 3 or 4 essays by people outside of that closed group.
Ironically, one of them, The Concept of Normality Considered Harmful, is the one we relate to the most nowadays. Jinkies left Lancers near the beginning because they kept questioning the fires concept and the Blackbirds refused to take this as anything other than an attack, but... at least they left that essay behind, which everyone SHOULD have listened to at the time, but no one did. They had greener fields to move onto, I guess, places where they could do activism and not worry because their ideas didn't mesh with one person's or system's theory of everything. (And, 17 years later, we've absolutely seen the dynamics they talked about in the gay and trans communities, and some of us have personally experienced the "you purposely make yourself look like a freak to get attention" stigma.)
More on this later. There's a lot I want to give background detail about here.
-Riel
no subject
And the thing is, we were really enthusiastic and fired up to work on it, at first!
Rogan: Ditto us and Zyfron. But we realized that it was doing nothing of substance and we left pretty fast to do our own projects.
I remember it being handwaved a few times with "It means you won't be irresponsible and say 'but my alters did it, not me'", but at other times, they were really pushing "we want to show people that we can have degrees and jobs and cars and apartments just like anyone."
Sneak: I definitely got that impression when going through the Pavilion website! Like, it never even SAYS the word "disability," or "mentally ill," like they're haunted or something. And I can find vague statements like, "we will not reject anyone for being a survivor, in therapy, non-co-conscious, or any other related matter" but that's... not actually true! In a page one link-click away, they say, "Plurality is a functional, non-disordered state of being: MPD is a nonfunctional disorder, which may require therapy and perhaps integration."
Throughout their site, they use "plural" over and over, and right until I just found that citation now, I thought they meant it in the umbrella sense. But if THAT's their definition, then they're specifically using it throughout their site with intent for political manuevering! They're specifically using "plural" to mean "non-disordered multiples" and kicking out MPD/DID/DDNOS/OSDD plurals from the whole site! Ugh, it makes me feel so mad! >.< And they can't say they aren't doing it on purpose, because in THAT VERY STUPID PAGE, they say, "When you read references to plurality, soulbonding, medianity, etc. which suggest that the writer has confused these states of being for MPD, write to them. Ask if they mean MPD/DID or Multiplicity." So they specifically mean "plurality" DOESN'T mean MPD/DID! And even if you ignore their own words, you clearly state that that isn't true when you were THERE!
I feel even worse about it because we're diagnosed, we're legally disabled, we're everything that they show disdain for! They're hiding that disdain, but it's not very convincing, you know!
we never got the impression that most of the people on groups like alt.support.dissociation DIDN'T have degrees, cars, and jobs. The stereotypical MPD/DID patient in a lot of places, at the time, was still considered to be someone who had gone through all the "standard" rites of adulthood and then began to melt down in their 30s or 40s.
Sneak: It's true! I know when rereading The Flock, by Joan Frances Casey, we were horrified at seeing how the titular system was constantly going on about how "functional" and "healthy" they were because they were getting good grades... but also constantly smashing their heads against walls, to the point their apartment had dents and damage from it! And we were just like D8 "THAT IS NOT HEALTH THAT IS GUTTING ALL HEALTH FOR THE SAKE OF PERFORMATIVE PRODUCTIVITY!"
So I guess you could say in that way, Pavilion was carrying on a long MPD/DID tradition! D:
I mean, there were five systems really involved with it
Mori: Wait, FIVE?! Where the hell did they get the member roster of "thirty" then?! Surely not all these folks are sock puppets! (Are they?) Though I guess you said a lot of folks joined and then didn't do anything...
Lucas really seemed to like "delegating work" and giving "assignments" after the weekly meetings. We would have meetings, then he or Gina would come up with a weekly essay topic and say we needed to write an essay on that for next week, and then rag on us for "not doing your work"
Mori: Wait, were these essays totally separate from the ones being uploaded to the Library? If so, what were they even FOR? I'm so confused by this.
no subject
OH. I didn't make that clear enough, sorry. The five systems were the ones listed as "Standard Bearers" in the Lancers member list-- Astraea, us, Blackbirds, Hondas, and Phoenix.
I think it's an indicator of how little we were listened to that we were listed there as "Azusa," even though we had begun to use "Amorpha" as a system name. We vaguely remember the Blackbirds asking if we would rather sign up as a median, because "people need to see more medians" and because of their obsession with "reaching out to soulbonders" (which turned into a can of worms later).
And like we mentioned before, "Azusa" wasn't even one person! They were a mess of me, Amaranth, Sophie, and various other people mashed together and it shifted over time! The fact that some people kept referring to us as "Azusa" even after we had picked a system name was a mindfuck, and made us think that maybe we might not be multiple after all and everyone could completely see through us. We kept asking Astraea to change our name on the Lancers page, but it stayed as Azusa until the Codex got shitcanned, I think.
Anyway, the "Standard Bearer" members were the only ones who were involved in the meetings or asked to do any kind of activism. The Pavilion list was just... a list of people who had agreed to sign up to do activism, mostly friends of the Standard Bearers members. They were all real people, except Jessamy and whichever Astraea's sockpuppet median was, but they were never invited to meetings and never asked to work on any of the projects. (We thought that they should, but that got shot down for some reason, maybe just because it came from us.) Most of them didn't even know each other. If any of them ever emailed the site to say "Hey, I want to participate in Project Bananarama" or whatever, we never heard about it and they never actually ended up doing anything.
-Riel
no subject
I still don't get how they ever thought calling it "Bananarama" was a good idea. They even had it in the presskit.
...man, Zy is gonna have kittens when they find out this stupid group that made itself out to be such a big deal was only five bodies.
--Mori
no subject
-Istevia
no subject
-Anselmus
no subject
Why did they even HAVE titles? It was five bodies. How much management and hierarchy could five NEED?
--Mori
no subject
Well, castles move in straight lines, either horizontally or vertically, and can move any number of squares at once. Knights move 1 horizontal/2 vertical or 2 horizontal/1 vertical and are the only pieces which can "jump" across squares, even if occupied by other pieces. ...seriously, I have no idea. You can't even make the "they were playing checkers while everyone else was playing chess" joke here. It was more like we wanted to try playing chess and everyone else wanted "Let's Dress Up And Play Activism," while telling us that we weren't even competent enough for dress-up activism. Although it also felt at times like "Let's play school, I'm the teacher, you broke the rules and are too stupid for this so go sit in the corner with a dunce cap." (everyone else except sometimes Astraea towards us)
...also, common memory has it that the Blackbirds brought in their thing for roleplaying and war metaphors even when the group was just getting organized, and the Hondas and Phoenix seemed to be into it too. I mean, the Livejournal was named "Lancers' Hill" even before there was a group formally named Lancers, because the Blackbirds liked the theme of "a hill where everyone gathers to organize in the morning and survey the field before riding down to the battle" or something (not an exact quote). Even back then, we were like "...this is activism to get multiples viewed more positively, it's not a war," but we didn't say anything because we didn't want to be seen as disruptive. Though as we went on to discover, virtually ANYTHING would get us pegged as disruptive.
Why did they even HAVE titles? It was five bodies. How much management and hierarchy could five NEED?
The Blackbirds wanted to run Lancers like they ran their system, I think, where they had lots of departments, divisions, and choosing people to assign specific tasks to. But a) you cannot run a group of people with the resources and time of five bodies like you run a system of 80 people, and b) you can't run an activism group that way anyway! If we set up an activism group and tried to run it the way we run our system, we wouldn't expect it to do anything but fail!
Also, I think the page was set up with the expectation that once it was launched, people would join in droves, and then almost nobody joined because nobody could make sense of the goddamn Codex. Plus the "functionality" requirements, which would have scared us away if we hadn't been explicitly invited to join.
Anselmus:
I kind of feel like, if you want to turn your activism group into roleplaying, go all the way, you know? Like don't just have knights, castles, and scholars, let people change classes to stuff like paladin and cleric and elven technomage and necromancer! Have campaigns every once in a while to fight Colin Ross or Elizabeth Loftus or the latest fictional MPD axe murderer (in stat form, anyway) to keep things interesting when nothing is happening. It still probably won't accomplish anything, but at least it has a chance of being fun.
Oh yeah, here's another one. Why were Lancers and Pavilion hosted on tanuki.cx? Because they were full of giant bollocks. *ducks*
no subject
It's so sad, because imagine if all that energy was devoted to actually doing things, instead of pretending to! It just seems like such a waste!
--Rogan/Sneak
no subject
that definition of Median messed us up when we were first entering the community a few years ago because it was the only concrete definition we could find and at that point we had a front stuck host and entered through the soulbonding community so like..... we really thought we were literally Median for a while even though we were confused because we weren't the same person but our host was front stuck so we were dependent on them, right? We were super confused for the first like half a year lol
Also I think it was Amphora posted a history about this on tumblr which all said the same stuff... I'm glad that fires stuff died down because it really makes no sense and now Median is the same fuzzy gray space that people default to if they aren't singlet but they aren't obviously multiple either
no subject
Oh no, I'm sorry y'all got hurt by that! I was kind of hoping that the silly "fires" theory and the way they tried to shoehorn median into a strict term wouldn't get big enough to cause anybody grief, but I guess that was naive of me. T_T The sad part is, "midcontinuum" seemed to have that fluidity from the beginning! >.<
--Sneak
no subject
I wouldn't say it super hurt us but definitely confused us and we just didn't want to use the wrong terms but in the end terms are all about finding what fits for you and sometimes that means trying on labels and interacting in those communities (not that there's a concrete median community we know of but anyways)
at least median is a lot less of a mouthful? :0
no subject
That's true!
Yeah, we're trying to do glossary pages on the plural history wiki that specifically say when a term was coined, by who, and varying definitions they've had over time, to help give some context to them. ...I kind of broke the "median" page through a coding error, and now can't view/change/delete it, but I'm working on the terms I know the nature of the creation of!
--Sneak
no subject
There were actually a few other people besides Jen that Blackbirds and Hondas wanted to get out of Lancers. One of them was Jen's then-partner, and the other was a system who lost time a lot and were still working out their communication. But all of it was justified with "these are the people who will make us look bad."
no subject
Nothing good comes from trying to appease a medical or political group with just the thing you think makes you look 'best'. I've seen it so many times, a group tries to make something exclusive to 'look good' in the hopes of being taken seriously, it'll always end badly because you need all parts to be taken seriously for true help, not just the stuff you think looks nice to people not aware. You'd think people would learn and yet :/
no subject
I thought it'd be almost impossible, but I've actually managed to pretty thoroughly document "median," "midcontinuum," "plural," "endogenic," and "quoigenic" so far, and I stumbled on what might actually be the first citation of the term "singlet"! So I'm doing better than I thought I was!
--Sneak
no subject
no subject
Oh, thank you for mentioning this, I always feel so weird about it when I'm in singlet periods (as now) and I didn't know it happened to other people too.
I think midcontinuum must have predated my time on alt.support.dissociation, because I don't remember it, and I think I remember knowing a median system there. But asdis was already pretty well into decline by the time I was on it, newsgroups were very much no longer in vogue.
no subject
I had no idea you were on a.s.d.! That's so cool!
Yeah, we have one friend who seems to go back and forth some, depending on life stressors and such. So I know it is a thing! Just something folks don't really talk about. Zyfron has wiggled back and forth too, though in a different way and to a different degree!
--Sneak
no subject
We were, as far as I can parse out timelines (which is extremely far from my forte), consistently plural from about age 7 to age ~16-18, and then singlet to... ~19-21? and then plural again from ~19-21 to... ~24-25 I think, then singlet again. (I'm 27 now.) (No one ever had any idea what was going on before age 7--that's when the oldest documented came around--and the best guess of those that were around earliest was that there was one person with the body's name before then who never existed thereafter, and hell if we know what happened to her.)
I saw Zyfron's stuff about Swirly recently! It was good to see some discussion of things like 'I'm accidentally acquiring other people's preferences', even in a different context--when Kyan left I suddenly had her favorite color, preference for floral patterns on everything, and sexual orientation, which was wildly disconcerting at first.
no subject
--Sneak
no subject
no subject
Yeah, we've been meaning to do a more thorough trawl of the a.s.d. stuff and also the Many Voices newsletters, since they're among the longest-running plural communities we have access to! But they're just so BIG. o_o
Rogan: The impression I got through the quick-dives me and Sneak have done was that a.s.d. could be... how do I put this... maybe a bit intent on deferring to medical authority, suffering, and the appearance of trigger warnings (not necessarily the substance). But a group that big with so many members over the years probably had a lot of different things going on.
Sneak: I think a lot of people didn't know about Pavilion Hall. It was only a kind of blip on the radar, so I think the only people who DID know about it were the folks involved, folks who KNEW the folks involved, or a small subset of Livejournal plurals. O_
no subject
Oh god, yeah, they were DEVOTED to trigger warnings. You had to 'splat' out letters of potentially upsetting words like 'abuse' (as 'ab*se'). And one of the regulars reposted the guidelines for how you were supposed to warn and splat and stuff every few weeks so no one could miss them. Most everyone there had a therapist and was in treatment, and there was a lot of talk about trauma and causes. Also, there were a couple of systems with hundreds of alters that didn't bother differentiating themselves--ubiquity is the name of the one I remember most, I think. I remember the rest of us trying to sell them on the oxygen mask analogy at great length at one point and failing utterly because they valued themselves so incredibly little. It was not a cheerful place, but it was the one place I had found at the time to talk to other systems about being plural, so. (And hey, it was a bastion of functionality compared to the shitstorm that was alt.suicide.holiday, which was on fire even when we first ended up there in like 2004. Spam, more spam, legal notices from a couple of members who were suing each other, people wanting help or someone to talk to, people trying to talk everyone out of suicide, posts about methods, random predators trying to get teenagers to hang themselves on webcam, and people posting warnings about the predators. There was a reason I hung out in an associated IRC channel more than the actual ash ng.)
Yeah, we were never in the lj plural community! Or like... any lj community, honestly, we had an lj but we were too shy to try and make new friends on it.
I've attempted to draft a history of how our system's gone and how we/I drifted in and out of plurality and I have no idea if it's even coherent, not least because I think I've forgotten several people (I've definitely lost at least one name) and I can't think where to look up old system documentation. And also because I'm having to work around several names to avoid it being google-able, because we have (had?) stalkers that I have no confidence have given up.
no subject
Sneak: Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised! I mean, I feel like there are a lot of experiences under the greater plural umbrella that get categorized as something else (a spiritual/metaphysical experience, or a creative one, or or or...) and so have totally different cultures and language around it!
You had to 'splat' out letters of potentially upsetting words like 'abuse' (as 'ab*se').
Mori: Yeah, I remember seeing "f*m*ly" once. And others that I couldn't figure out WHAT the original word was. And it was just so weird for me because... shouldn't it be the CONCEPT that's triggering, not just the written word? Why would just splatting out the vowels magically make it less triggery? I never got it.
alt.suicide.holiday, which was on fire
Mori: With a name like that? No way!
Sneak: What... was it for...? *is kind of scared to ask* o_o That sounds so awful!
I've attempted to draft a history of how our system's gone and how we/I drifted in and out of plurality and I have no idea if it's even coherent, not least because I think I've forgotten several people (I've definitely lost at least one name) and I can't think where to look up old system documentation. And also because I'm having to work around several names to avoid it being google-able, because we have (had?) stalkers that I have no confidence have given up.
Sneak: Oh gosh, yeah, I wouldn't want you to be in danger or anything! D: That would be awful!
As far as system documenting goes, your things may be totally different, but we've used old journals, writing, and art and that's worked pretty good! Also sometimes photos, with system members who had pretty clear different body language and stuff.
no subject
alt.suicide.holiday was originally founded 'to talk about the increase in suicides around the holiday season' and as far as I'm aware pretty rapidly just turned into 'the newsgroup for suicidal people'. There's an archive of a website that archives a lot of the early writings there from when it was actually a community, that meant a lot to me as a young teenager. The main prevailing theme was that it was a 'right to die' community, with people insisting that if they wanted to kill themselves they should be able to. It probably was not an ideal place for a thirteen year old to imprint on.
I've moved both houses and computers so many times in the last few years that I'm just not sure where stuff is! I remember what a sketchbook that had a system list in it looked like, but damned if I know where in the house it is. We pulled most every blog we could still log into off the internet when the stalker stuff happened, and theoretically we have archives of them, but I'm not sure which drive they're on or where the cables for our oldest functional external hard drive are. Et cetera :P Mostly what I can find is documentation of people I didn't forget, heh. (It's distantly possible y'all may recall us from our previous usernames, we followed you on tumblr and occasionally interacted. Here's a way to keep it ungoogleable, I'll rot13 my original name and the system name: Fuvlvln, sebz gur Fbangn Flfgrz. Also possible we were shy enough not to be notable!)
Not sure where to put this incoherent history I've drafted now. I'm somewhat disinclined to put it on my own dw because I've developed something of a complex about talking about it in public since a psychiatrist declined to treat me because I was 'too complicated'. Shall I just drop it in a comment here?
no subject
Rogan: Yeeeeeah, that con was a DID-specific con. It seems to be an overarching problem in DID circles that I've been in, that sort of... dissociative refuge in a mythologized childhood, which allows the spurious comfort while also continually mulling over what's been lost. It's part of why I tend to prefer more general plural space; even with all the fights and confusion, there tends to be more variation and thus more avoidance of that specific pitfall.
alt.suicide.holiday was originally founded 'to talk about the increase in suicides around the holiday season'
Mori: Oh, that sounds way less awful than I was imagining. Still not necessarily a place I'd want to hang out on, but at least not a suicide party.
we followed you on tumblr and occasionally interacted.
Sneak: Ah, we do remember Fuvlvln! And also, in the future, it's totally fine to request us to screen any comment you post. ^_^ That way, you and us can still see it, but nobody else can!
Or, if you prefer, you can even log out and post it anonymously as a comment, using psuedonyms for people. That would protect your privacy and make it hard to google, if you prefer!
no subject
Jess
That last sentence is just me snarking, not what they said.
no subject
--Mori
no subject
In November 2002, the groups are put on "winter break" (2004, February 10a). Nothing of substance is ever done afterward, except for a vague statement of "Pavilion editors begin implementing updates and changes" in July 2003 (ibid). And that's basically the end of Pavilion's "active" period.
The "winter break" had a really bizarre story behind it. In October 2002, the last Lancers meeting was held, and we were told that Lucas was stepping down as director (again, not that any of us had voted for him >.>) and Gina of the Hondas was replacing him. Gina was basically a bully who screamed at everyone for "needing coddling" if they were nervous about doing a "hey, I'm plural/median/multiple which is a functional and healthy state of being, unlike DID, ask me anything!" thing. I mean, if people volunteer to do that, that's totally fine, but we were being told we MUST do it or risk destroying the entire cause of plural activism. ...also, we were being told we must do it in places like soulbonding forums, in order to convince soulbonders they were medians. We were afraid it would look like we were trolling, and according to some people who were on the forum at the time of the unofficial "soulbonder campaign," yeah, it did look like a coordinated invasion and people were suspicious.
Gina also said that the Codex was "complete" and could not be changed any more no matter what. She said that "all of Lancers and all of Pavilion" was based on the Codex and if people continued to revise it, it would "make our position look indefensible" (whatever that actually meant... the Codex looked indefensible enough in the first place) and that they "needed fanatics" for Lancers. It's like, jesus, how much can you proselytize in a group of five systems?! And considering Gina wouldn't criticize the Blackbirds for anything, it was actually only the other three of us that she was yelling at and proselytizing to! Like, this is seriously the hill you want to die on?
...which we can say in retrospect, but at the time, we were upset enough that we were almost crying in a public computer lab at our school. But we could never say that we felt bullied and intimidated, because the Blackbirds and sometimes the Hondas would often lash back with "Oh, so you think none of US have ever had those feelings before in our life?" If we said we were upset, "you think none of US have ever had hurts that could compare?" If you were afraid of backlash over being essentially forced to out yourself online, "you think none of us have ever been afraid of repercussions?" There seemed to be literally NOTHING we could say-- and it seemed to be targeted at us in particular-- without the Blackbirds accusing us of "thinking we'd had it worse than anyone else," or going to rant to Astraea about how we supposedly did. One of the logs we found out about two years after it happened involved them going to Astraea and asking about our childhood trauma and, like, "how bad was it? Do you think it was worse than OURS? Do you think it gives 'her' an excuse to not participate in Lancers projects?" EVERYTHING was the goddamn dicksizing contest with them. EVERYTHING. We got to feel after a while that we couldn't even mention it if we cut our finger without them going "oh, so you think WE'VE never been injured in our life?"
So anyway, the meeting ended after Gina yelled at everybody, we felt like shit and weren't sure if we even wanted to continue with Lancers and Pavilion, and then nothing happened until November, when the Lancers' Hill journal announced a "winter break," and we were told we could continue to work independently on the projects we had been assigned. After that, nothing. There was no activity until sometime in January or February of 2003, where the Blackbirds added someone they described as a newly self-aware median system to Lancers' Hill, and then sometime later, removed them and made a post saying that this other system had constantly criticized people and attacked them for making private posts in their LJs. (Something to that effect, anyway... I'll log in later and re-check what it actually says)
And, you know, I don't want to be mean or anything, and it wasn't that we had no sympathy for having to deal with someone doing that, but I have to admit we were thinking "well, you made us feel constantly criticized and attacked, but we felt we couldn't defend ourselves because otherwise Lancers would fall apart." We didn't say it, though. Then, dead silence on Lancers' Hill again except for Gina talking about changes she had made to the page, and nothing in her journal or the Blackbirds' about this other system that had been so critical.
Or more accurately, they didn't tell us about it. We only found out about it through Astraea, and the story as it was apparently told to them made us go "WHAT." Apparently, their newly self-aware median friend was someone who had been skeptical and critical of the whole concept of multiplicity, thought that all plurals were self-indulgent wanky teenagers who wanted to feel special, and gave the appearance in public of mostly thinking it was bullshit. And then, somehow, went from that to... realizing they were median? Complete with a Multiple Code on their new plural LJ and an angry person who apparently yelled at everyone a lot? I mean, there are people who will attack something if they don't want to admit they do it, but there was a lot of... ??? ??? in this. It was just bizarre.
Also, this friend, who I'll just call "C," I guess, had never been part of Lancers or Pavilion until January or February of that year. But according to what the Blackbirds told Astraea, C had been criticizing Pavilion, Lancers, and the Codex since last summer and they had supposedly been revising the Codex over and over to "try and keep her happy." Instead of saying "Well, it's our personal project, and if you're that interested in it, join Lancers and discuss it there" (I mean, if the Codex hadn't been a giant pile of bullshit to begin with)... the Blackbirds, who had been constantly intimidating and criticizing us, somehow just completely folded for C and did everything she wanted? We were like "were we seeing a totally different set of people than C was?" But according to them, no, it was the same people! They said Lucas had stepped down because of all the stress C was causing him, when we had only ever experienced Lucas as pushy, critical, and passive-aggressive!
And I just... I don't want to sound like an ass, but we couldn't make sense of any of it. I know people can change a lot depending on who they're with, but somehow, the way the Blackbirds told it, even though they had no problem slapping us down and berating us for nonexistant offenses, C was somehow just so intimidating and overbearing that they were completely cowed by her and went along with whatever she said. This also meant that all the Codex changes since August were blamed on C demanding them, and the winter break was said to be an attempt to cool things down with her. They also blamed their constant attacking and criticizing of us (or "Azu" since they still kept calling us that) on C, because C didn't like us. (Which we had been well aware of before any of this happened; we only trusted their "new median friend" because we had no idea that they and C were one and the same, and the Blackbirds seemed to think they shouldn't have to tell us!)
And again, they told this all to Astraea, but not to us. They said they were sorry, but they apparently didn't feel strongly enough about it to apologize to us personally. They just told Astraea to pass on an apology to "Azu" from them and tell them the whole story they had told Astraea.
And, like... We have treated people badly in the past because we had friends who didn't like them and wanted us to shun or snark them. We also felt a lot of guilt about it. We've tried to apologize to those people personally, when we knew where they were, in the years since, whenever possible. I'm trying to come to some kind of conclusion here, but... all I can really think of is that it felt like we were constantly punished for not being able to read people's minds during Lancers, and that that would have been the only way that we could really have kept anyone happy.
-Riel
no subject
It sounds like a rolling disaster.
--Mori
PS from Sneak: Also Livejournal now is so broken a lot of comments don't even display! Not even in comms you're a member of! T_T How frustrating!
no subject
~K.
no subject
--Mori