Pavilion Hall and the Creation of the Term "Median"

[lb_lee]

Hi guys! While digging around for info for the plural history wiki, I discovered a surprising bit about how the term "median" was coined, and what it was used for! It's intertwined with the history of a plural group called Pavilion Hall--ostensibly it was a plural activist group, but it never really did anything. <_< Zyfron and us used to make jokes about it.

That was about ten years ago, but a little while ago, I found out that Pavilion Hall hadn't done much of ANYTHING after its first six months in existence... back in 2002! And even those first six months didn't really get a lot done! It was like a Potemkin activist group! It was so weird!

The only thing Pavilion Hall ever seemed to achieve wasn't activism at all; it was coining the term "median," and even that was kind of mean and gross! So I thought this was a weird bit of plural history trivia worth talking about!

Intro

Pavilion Hall was an organization that described themselves as "dedicated to raising public awareness of healthy multiplicity through positive activism" (n.d. A). The Lancers were their partner group, whose "goal is to promote the equality of singlets, medians/midcontinuums, and multiples" (2003, August 3). Both groups involved the same theories, members, and websites; they were basically two faces of the same group, and none of Pavilion's mission statement is... really all that accurate, sadly.

For instance, they upheld the idea of "healthy multiplicity" mostly by kicking out anybody who didn't look "healthy" enough. While Pavilion members "can come from anywhere," (2003, April 23) Lancers refused to take plurals who didn't maintain a certain standard of functionality and normalcy. "If everyone in your group cannot yet work functionally together in daily life, do not ask to join. If you wish to help the Lancers but haven't got things sufficiently together to be able to present to the world as strong, sane, and responsible, look elsewhere for help" (2002, October 8b).

Needless to say, we wouldn't fulfill this criteria! ;p But from what I've heard, er. I don't think many of the Lancers would have either. <_< From what ex-members have told us, and having MET some of the folks involved, we can safely say that the image was not the reality. It was a Potemkin activist group for Potemkin health.

And as for positive activism and public awareness... well, we only were on the edges in 2007-2008, but I can personally testify that pretty much none of that ever happened. <_< Rogan and Zyfron used to joke that it was actually an "INactivist" group! The only things I ever remember being done were mailing anonymous letters of complaint to television stations or newspapers, none of which led to anything concrete. It was actually what first inspired us to come out--we realized that there were very hard limits to what you could accomplish anonymously online.

And it wasn't just a 2007-2008 thing either! It wasn't much better in the early days, it turns out!

The Active Period

Pavilion Hall and the Lancers were founded in June 2002 (Pavilion, 2003 February 15). Ostensibly, all that was required to join Pavilion was "the willingness to support the work for respect and equality of all plural and non-plural types, actively if required," while the Lancers were more hardcore, "a group of singlets, medians and plurals dedicated to a particular philosophy of plurality and life," that of the Codex (Pavilion, 2003 April 23). Work immediately began on that Codex (Lancers, 2003 August 04), most of the content of which has been lost.

For a few months, there's activity (Pavilion, 2004 February 10a), but it's mostly internal--online communities created, internal hierarchy and job positions named, members recruited, meetings held. A presskit gets made. Some essays are written for the Library--it's hard to tell how many, due to archive rot. There is one offline meet-up, called the Floating Tea-Party, in Connecticut from 8/30/02 to 9/1/02 (Pavilion, 2004 February 10b). No others are ever noted.

In November 2002, the groups are put on "winter break" (2004, February 10a). Nothing of substance is ever done afterward, except for a vague statement of "Pavilion editors begin implementing updates and changes" in July 2003 (ibid). And that's basically the end of Pavilion's "active" period.

In that time, they made a presskit, held one offline meet-up, and (if I'm being as liberal as possible) 26 essays and 12 media reviews (plus recycled 18 more). Which might sound impressive, until you realize that's kind of sad for a claimed roster of 30 members and over the course of four years--for contrast, that's about as much stories/essays we post, all by ourself, in that amount of time! And that's not including lectures, panels, events, and public appearances we make! We're one system who are too visibly dysfunctional to make it onto Lancers' roster, and we still achieved more alone than they did with a claimed membership of 30! Though Amorpha says their roster was padded by sock puppets (2017, September 22). <_<

Projects

Pavilion Hall started the following projects, and since 2002 made the following progress:

Bananarama (later renamed Paperchase): "Send brochures to researchers and psychologists interested in plurality, collect and keep track of public opinion. Provide a real-time contact to replies." 263 brochures were sent out, as of 10/24/02 (2004 February 10c); the number remains unchanged to the present day (n.d. B).

Library: "Create a library of articles hosted on Pavilion able to be cited for essays and arguements [sic]" (2004 February 10c). This is the only project that has made much progress after 2002. Seven media reviews were written in 2003, one in February 2007, and one in September 2014 (n.d. C). (Also the 26 non-media-review essays are very badly organized. T_T)

Radiohead (later renamed RadioNow): "Arrange for an interview on Pacifica Radio presenting multiplicity as normal, debunking myths and outlining our agenda. [...] As of 9/8/03 nothing is happening on this project" (2004 February 10c). The sole change to the project since 2003 is that on the current version of the page, "As of 10/14/04 nothing is happening on this project" (n.d. B).

Armory (later renamed the Resource Section): "Creation of a resource area for Frontline [Lancer] members and others in Pavilion to be able to have backup in the form of essays and arguements" (2004, February 10c). In the old page from 2004, there are two complaint letters, a "Public responses to common questions and misconceptions," and a "Hall of Flames" (2004 January 30). Fifteen years later, all that has changed is that the Hall of Flames has been removed, another complaint letter added in 2007, and two links added by 2008: "How To Write A Good Complaint Letter" and "Guidelines -- Promoting Accuracy In Depictions of Multiple Personality" (2008 October 13). Despite over a decade passing, the 2008 links are still labeled with glittery rainbow "new!" text (n.d. D).

Northside: "Create a presskit including a cover letter, fact sheet, short bio sheet, copy of the brochure, and press releases as we write them. To be sent to media outlets with whom we desire an interview" (n.d. B). The presskit is completed on October 10, 2002, the sole Pavilion project to ever be finished (2004, February 10a).

Railroad: "Creation of a database for plurals to be able to access to find 'plural-friendly' businesses and services" (n.d. B). There is nothing there at all and never has been, far as I can tell. (But it's still up there as a project, seventeen years and a domain name later!)

The Lancers' Codex and "Fires" Theory

The Lancers' Codex is, in their own words, "a set of principles, definitions, essays, and a simple code of etiquette by which Lancers guide ourselves in our day-to-day lives and in our actions to bring healthy plurality to the attention of the general public. It stores our working definitions [emphasis theirs] of plurality and also ideas of how to bridge the gaps when people have trouble understanding" (2003, February 15). Despite this, their unified theory of plurality is abstruse and difficult to understand in its homebrewed metaphysicality.

The backbone of this theory was "fires," which they defined as "primal sources of vitality and inspiration. They're your who-you-are, your True Name. Everyone has a fire of some kind -- whether you're singlet, median or plural. People have described fires as sources of creativity, pillars of strength, centers of emotional and spiritual refreshment, places of rejuvenation, people who are inspiring rolemodels to others in their plural group...in other words, a fire is a source of energy. [...]

"singlets possess a single fire that is their identity and their life motivation. [...]

"Medians, one body with many people, also possess a single fire, embodied in a person within the group. [...] Everything in that group is dependent on that one person. [...]

"Multiples, also one body with many people, may possess more than one fire. These are not necessarily embodied in a person... it could be the sense of identity with one's otherworld, or some element therein. Some persons in multiple systems are also fires -- sometimes called giving fires, they are people who are looked up to as exemplary, role models, someone who inspires and encourages those around them to perseverence [sic], excellence and other virtues." (2003, August 4)

So, in other words, a fire could be a person, or inspiration, or a church, or an identity, or a 8-volt battery. It's so vaguely defined and confusing that it's no wonder nobody could figure out what it meant!

Apparently the theory seemed incoherent even then; the next question in the FAQ is, "The description of fires confuses me. Is there any clarification for it?" (ibid) The linked explanations have mostly been lost to the sands of time but the one that remains is a rambling chat log that offers no clarity (Lancers, 2002, July 31). Under this categorization, soulbonders were considered medians (Lancers, 2002, October 8a).

But I can't find any proof that the term "median" existed before the Lancers!

The Creation of the Term "Median"

At the time of the creation of Pavilion Hall and the Lancers, "median" was not a term in use, at least not on alt.support.dissociation or Dark Personalities. The more common term for being between singlet and multiple was "midcontinuum," used for at least the prior five years on alt.support.dissociation, Dark Personalities (2002 December 24), coined by the Vickis (1997 January 25).

The only sign of any discontent with the term "midcontinuum" predating the creation of Pavilion Hall comes from Dark Personalities, which in their 2001 glossary of plural jargon defined "midcontinuum" as "Being somewhere on the spectrum between multiple and singlet. Since many people feel the idea of a continuum to be inaccurate, many are seeking a new term instead of mid-continuum" (2001, May 19). Astraea will later plagiarize this definition wholesale in their own glossary definition of "median" (2003, January 11).

Later on, Astraea credits Blackbirds (who helped found Pavilion) with the creation of the term "median," saying "The reason we chose median, a word suggested by the Blackbirds, was that it seemed to encompass multiples who did not dissociate in addition to those who did" (2008, May 11). But that isn't the original explanation given for why the term was rejected!

In 2002, Lancers and Pavilion rejected "midcontinuum" for its fluidity. "The original idea of Mid-Continuum was designed to be loose, and therein lay the problem - it was entirely /too/ loose. Multiples and Mid-Conts were not quite sure where the lines lay between them. It was used to describe a massive ‘shades of grey’ area between singlet and multiple. Unfortunately, there was no clear idea of where these ‘shades of grey’ actually ended, though they began at anything more than single" (Phoenix, 2002 December 13).

But the thing is, people ARE fluid, and shades of gray will exist and muddy the water! There never are strict binaries; reality never conforms to our mental categories, because we make those categories up and try to force reality into them, not the other way around! We've had friends who are sometimes multiple and sometimes not; friends who've integrated and then un-integrated and then found themselves fluctuating up and down the spectrum. We've had polyfrag friends who seem to act as clouds of system members, constantly forming and reforming. I would say that the very fluidity of the gray-area definition is part of its power and appeal!

And honestly, "median" can't escape that power. Astraea take up the term "median" in their glossary, a few months after Pavilion's creation (2003, January 11), copy-pasting the Dark Personalities definition for midcontinuum and reapplying it to the new term, median. The current edition of the glossary (n.d.) goes further and appends the Pavilion/Lancers "fires" theory to the definition, though stripped of its metaphysical baggage: "Persons in a median system may be dependent upon a single individual (who may have created them at some point), and unable to exist without that central person." It then goes on to discuss all the fluidity that Pavilion Hall protested midcontinuum for. Over time, "median" grew to be just as fuzzy and fluid as "midcontinuum" was!

However, the use of "median" to the exclusion of "midcontinuum" on Astraea's Web MPD/DID glossary may have something to do with the use of the term in subsequent plural groups. (And I am so perplexed by this, you don't even know. Like, why create this whole new term, only to apply all the same old baggage to it? And if it was originally the issue with the association with trauma or medicalization, why not just SAY that? And they STILL don't define it in a way that makes any sense!)

(EDIT: I have since found out that Vicki(s) was Astraea's ex. -_- Now everything makes sense. This term seems to have been created solely to cut Vicki(s) and their contributions out of plural history. And it seems to have worked; Vicki(s)' web site ceased to be updated in November 2001, a few months before Pavilion Hall's creation. See Vicki(s), 2001 November 30.)

Ableism and Internal Conflict

Despite their attempts to pull away from medicalization, an ex-member of Pavilion hall, Amorpha, have publicly stated that Pavilion Hall's true goal was medical acceptance. "That's what it was all driving at in the end: getting doctors to approve the existence of non-DID systems and/or having media portray them, because SOCIETY! SOCIETY! SOCIETY will never take us seriously unless we have a doctor's endorsement or SOME form of authority backing us up. Actually, one of the systems involved stated numerous times that people just didn't understand that healthy multiplicity would NEVER get anywhere until we could GET A DOCTOR TO BACK US UP" (2017, September 20).

Amorpha further reports that behavior within the group was aggressive, coercive, and degrading, and that the membership roster was padded with sockpuppets. "The split between Lancers and Pavilion was initiated by the groups in charge to get rid of Jen (yes that Jen) [no, I don't know who this is] and all the systems they didn't think were 'functional enough' and then they lied about it being because 'Lancers is a SERIOUS HARDCORE ACTIVISM GROUP, Pavilion is for people who can't afford to devote as much time,' and two of the median systems listed were actually sockpuppets created to 'promote the median concept' to people who identified as soulbonders or singlets and 'might not realize they were median,' and the system that took it over a few months before it folded went around yelling about 'we need fanatics right now' and 'THE CODEX MUST NOT BE CHANGED' and lecturing everyone who hadn't been screaming at people for 'not doing enough work,' for 'coddling them'" (2017, September 22).

The Present

Lancers have recategorized themselves as "devoted to explaining multiplicity to singlets" (n.d). Their Livejournal community hasn't been updated since 2012, and they are never discussed on the current Pavilion website. Pavilion seems to be trying hard to pretend the Lancers never existed, and the Codex and the fires theory is eluded to, but never referred to by name. (If you know what you're looking for, though, it's pretty easy to spot; it's mostly just had the word "fires" removed.)

Citations

Amorpha, Anzeu of. (2017, September 20). This is one of those Just Me (tm) opinions, but... [Dreamwidth Comment] Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://lb-lee.dreamwidth.org/881645.html?thread=4699885#cmt4699885

Amorpha, Anzeu of. (2017, September 22). RE: This is one of those Just Me (tm) opinions, but... [Dreamwidth Comment] Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://lb-lee.dreamwidth.org/881645.html?thread=4702701#cmt4702701

Astraea. (n.d.) Glossary [web page]. Retrieved from http://astraeasweb.net/plural/glossary.html#median

Astraea. (2003, January 11) Glossary [web page]. http://astraeasweb.net/plural/glossary.html Internet Archive. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20030111103116/http://astraeasweb.net/plural/glossary.html

Astraea. (2008, May 11) A brief history of midcontinuum [web page]. Retrieved from http://karitas.net/pavilion/library/articles/m_midconthistory_temple0902.html

Dark Personalities. (2001, May 19). Terminology [web page]. http://www.darkpersonalities.com/terminology.htm Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://web.archive.org/web/20010519115202/http://darkpersonalities.com/terminology.htm

Dark Personalities. (2002 December 24). Terminology [web page]. http://www.darkpersonalities.com/terminology.htm Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://web.archive.org/web/20021224163501/http://www.darkpersonalities.com/terminology.htm

Lancers. (n.d.). Livejournal profile. Retrieved from https://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=lancershill

Lancers. (2002, July 31). Discussion: fires [web page] http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/codex/discussion/fires7_31_02.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://web.archive.org/web/20030930035835/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/codex/discussion/fires7_31_02.html

Lancers. (2002, October 8a). Types [web page] http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/codex/types.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://web.archive.org/web/20021008151302/http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/codex/types.html

Lancers. (2002, October 8b). Members [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/codex/members.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://web.archive.org/web/20021008145107/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/codex/members.html

Lancers. (2003, February 15). Codex. [web page] http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/codex.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://web.archive.org/web/20030215083120/http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/codex.html

Lancers. (2003, August 4a). The Lancers' Codex. [web page] http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/codex/discuss.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/13 from https://web.archive.org/web/20030804093552/http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/codex/discuss.html

Lancers. (2003, August 4b). FAQ: fires [web page] http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/codex/faq/fires.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/13 from https://web.archive.org/web/20030804120312/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/codex/faq/fires.html

Pavilion Hall. (n.d. A) Livejournal Profile Page. Retrieved 2019/03/10 from https://pavilionhall.livejournal.com/profile

Pavilion Hall. (n.d. B) Projects. [web page] Retrieved from http://www.karitas.net/pavilion/projects.html

Pavilion Hall. (n.d. C) Library: Media Reviews. [web page] Retrieved from http://www.karitas.net/pavilion/library/library_media.html

Pavilion Hall. (n.d. D) Resources: Multiple Personality In Media [web page]. Retrieved from http://www.karitas.net/pavilion/resources.html

Pavilion Hall. (2003, February 15). Purpose [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/purpose.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/13 from https://web.archive.org/web/20030215080433/http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/purpose.html

Pavilion Hall. (2003, April 23). Pavilion Membership [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/members.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/13 from https://web.archive.org/web/20030423202658/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/members.html

Pavilion Hall. (2004 January 30). Pavilion Armory [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/armory/index.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/13 from https://web.archive.org/web/20040130221002/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/armory/index.html

Pavilion Hall. (2004, February 10a). News [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/news.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/13 from https://web.archive.org/web/20040210201305/http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/news.html

Pavilion Hall. (2004, February 10b). Activities [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/activities.html Internet Archive. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20040210195927/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/activities.html

Pavilion Hall. (2004, February 10c). Projects [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/projects.html Internet Archive. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20040210201935/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/projects.html

Pavilion Hall. (2008 October 13) Resources: Multiple Personality In Media [web page]. http://www.karitas.net/pavilion/resources.html Internet Archive. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20081013015309/http://www.karitas.net/pavilion/resources/index.html

Phoenix. (2002, December 13). Medians [web page]. http://www.kitsune.cx/~amaliel/median.html Internet Archive. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20021213014352/http://www.kitsune.cx/~amaliel/median.html

Vicki(s). (1997 January 25). New web page [Newsgroup message]. Retrieved from https://groups.google.com/d/msg/alt.support.dissociation/Dg4ZDCSBsMc/NJgeh7QSYlMJ

Viciki(s). (2001, November 30). Vicki(s)' Web Site [Home of the Wonderful World of the MidContinuum]. http://www.asarian.org/%7Evickis/index.html Internet Archive. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20040603045556/http://www.asarian.org/%7Evickis/index.html

Comments

[jadislefeu]

I wouldn't mind, but I wouldn't really know where to start! The only plural community I was ever involved in was asdis, and then my personal friends who were/are plural--at one point I lived in an apartment with three other systems, which went to hell for unrelated reasons--so I think I'm pretty out of sync with the kind of stuff you're documenting, because i just never really encountered it, other than reading Zyfron's comic, following you guys, and I think I looked at Astraea's website occasionally. (So it's a really interesting window looking at your documentation! I'd never heard of Pavilion Hall or the Lancers at all.) And asdis is (was?) really focused on the disordered angle, which is very different from the Healthy Multiplicity-focused stuff!

[lb_lee]

Sneak: That's cool that you had plural friends! How did y'all meet, do you mind saying? @_@

Yeah, we've been meaning to do a more thorough trawl of the a.s.d. stuff and also the Many Voices newsletters, since they're among the longest-running plural communities we have access to! But they're just so BIG. o_o

Rogan: The impression I got through the quick-dives me and Sneak have done was that a.s.d. could be... how do I put this... maybe a bit intent on deferring to medical authority, suffering, and the appearance of trigger warnings (not necessarily the substance). But a group that big with so many members over the years probably had a lot of different things going on.

Sneak: I think a lot of people didn't know about Pavilion Hall. It was only a kind of blip on the radar, so I think the only people who DID know about it were the folks involved, folks who KNEW the folks involved, or a small subset of Livejournal plurals. O_

[jadislefeu]

Honestly, it was just completely randomly? All of them were through mutual friends on tumblr, as far as I recall. The number of plural systems we've met by sheer chance really make me think that multiplicity is so much more common than they say it is, hah.

Oh god, yeah, they were DEVOTED to trigger warnings. You had to 'splat' out letters of potentially upsetting words like 'abuse' (as 'ab*se'). And one of the regulars reposted the guidelines for how you were supposed to warn and splat and stuff every few weeks so no one could miss them. Most everyone there had a therapist and was in treatment, and there was a lot of talk about trauma and causes. Also, there were a couple of systems with hundreds of alters that didn't bother differentiating themselves--ubiquity is the name of the one I remember most, I think. I remember the rest of us trying to sell them on the oxygen mask analogy at great length at one point and failing utterly because they valued themselves so incredibly little. It was not a cheerful place, but it was the one place I had found at the time to talk to other systems about being plural, so. (And hey, it was a bastion of functionality compared to the shitstorm that was alt.suicide.holiday, which was on fire even when we first ended up there in like 2004. Spam, more spam, legal notices from a couple of members who were suing each other, people wanting help or someone to talk to, people trying to talk everyone out of suicide, posts about methods, random predators trying to get teenagers to hang themselves on webcam, and people posting warnings about the predators. There was a reason I hung out in an associated IRC channel more than the actual ash ng.)

Yeah, we were never in the lj plural community! Or like... any lj community, honestly, we had an lj but we were too shy to try and make new friends on it.

I've attempted to draft a history of how our system's gone and how we/I drifted in and out of plurality and I have no idea if it's even coherent, not least because I think I've forgotten several people (I've definitely lost at least one name) and I can't think where to look up old system documentation. And also because I'm having to work around several names to avoid it being google-able, because we have (had?) stalkers that I have no confidence have given up.

[lb_lee]

The number of plural systems we've met by sheer chance really make me think that multiplicity is so much more common than they say it is, hah.

Sneak: Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised! I mean, I feel like there are a lot of experiences under the greater plural umbrella that get categorized as something else (a spiritual/metaphysical experience, or a creative one, or or or...) and so have totally different cultures and language around it!

You had to 'splat' out letters of potentially upsetting words like 'abuse' (as 'ab*se').

Mori: Yeah, I remember seeing "f*m*ly" once. And others that I couldn't figure out WHAT the original word was. And it was just so weird for me because... shouldn't it be the CONCEPT that's triggering, not just the written word? Why would just splatting out the vowels magically make it less triggery? I never got it.

alt.suicide.holiday, which was on fire

Mori: With a name like that? No way!

Sneak: What... was it for...? *is kind of scared to ask* o_o That sounds so awful!

I've attempted to draft a history of how our system's gone and how we/I drifted in and out of plurality and I have no idea if it's even coherent, not least because I think I've forgotten several people (I've definitely lost at least one name) and I can't think where to look up old system documentation. And also because I'm having to work around several names to avoid it being google-able, because we have (had?) stalkers that I have no confidence have given up.

Sneak: Oh gosh, yeah, I wouldn't want you to be in danger or anything! D: That would be awful!

As far as system documenting goes, your things may be totally different, but we've used old journals, writing, and art and that's worked pretty good! Also sometimes photos, with system members who had pretty clear different body language and stuff.

[jadislefeu]

The concept does seem like what would be actually upsetting, yeah. I just followed the rules, I don't think we understood them :P The thing y'all mentioned recently with going to the mental health convention where everyone just self-soothed and nothing else? asdis was a lot like that a lot of the time.

alt.suicide.holiday was originally founded 'to talk about the increase in suicides around the holiday season' and as far as I'm aware pretty rapidly just turned into 'the newsgroup for suicidal people'. There's an archive of a website that archives a lot of the early writings there from when it was actually a community, that meant a lot to me as a young teenager. The main prevailing theme was that it was a 'right to die' community, with people insisting that if they wanted to kill themselves they should be able to. It probably was not an ideal place for a thirteen year old to imprint on.

I've moved both houses and computers so many times in the last few years that I'm just not sure where stuff is! I remember what a sketchbook that had a system list in it looked like, but damned if I know where in the house it is. We pulled most every blog we could still log into off the internet when the stalker stuff happened, and theoretically we have archives of them, but I'm not sure which drive they're on or where the cables for our oldest functional external hard drive are. Et cetera :P Mostly what I can find is documentation of people I didn't forget, heh. (It's distantly possible y'all may recall us from our previous usernames, we followed you on tumblr and occasionally interacted. Here's a way to keep it ungoogleable, I'll rot13 my original name and the system name: Fuvlvln, sebz gur Fbangn Flfgrz. Also possible we were shy enough not to be notable!)

Not sure where to put this incoherent history I've drafted now. I'm somewhat disinclined to put it on my own dw because I've developed something of a complex about talking about it in public since a psychiatrist declined to treat me because I was 'too complicated'. Shall I just drop it in a comment here?

[lb_lee]

the mental health convention where everyone just self-soothed and nothing else? asdis was a lot like that a lot of the time.

Rogan: Yeeeeeah, that con was a DID-specific con. It seems to be an overarching problem in DID circles that I've been in, that sort of... dissociative refuge in a mythologized childhood, which allows the spurious comfort while also continually mulling over what's been lost. It's part of why I tend to prefer more general plural space; even with all the fights and confusion, there tends to be more variation and thus more avoidance of that specific pitfall.

alt.suicide.holiday was originally founded 'to talk about the increase in suicides around the holiday season'

Mori: Oh, that sounds way less awful than I was imagining. Still not necessarily a place I'd want to hang out on, but at least not a suicide party.

we followed you on tumblr and occasionally interacted.

Sneak: Ah, we do remember Fuvlvln! And also, in the future, it's totally fine to request us to screen any comment you post. ^_^ That way, you and us can still see it, but nobody else can!

Or, if you prefer, you can even log out and post it anonymously as a comment, using psuedonyms for people. That would protect your privacy and make it hard to google, if you prefer!