Pavilion Hall and the Creation of the Term "Median"

[lb_lee]

Hi guys! While digging around for info for the plural history wiki, I discovered a surprising bit about how the term "median" was coined, and what it was used for! It's intertwined with the history of a plural group called Pavilion Hall--ostensibly it was a plural activist group, but it never really did anything. <_< Zyfron and us used to make jokes about it.

That was about ten years ago, but a little while ago, I found out that Pavilion Hall hadn't done much of ANYTHING after its first six months in existence... back in 2002! And even those first six months didn't really get a lot done! It was like a Potemkin activist group! It was so weird!

The only thing Pavilion Hall ever seemed to achieve wasn't activism at all; it was coining the term "median," and even that was kind of mean and gross! So I thought this was a weird bit of plural history trivia worth talking about!

Intro

Pavilion Hall was an organization that described themselves as "dedicated to raising public awareness of healthy multiplicity through positive activism" (n.d. A). The Lancers were their partner group, whose "goal is to promote the equality of singlets, medians/midcontinuums, and multiples" (2003, August 3). Both groups involved the same theories, members, and websites; they were basically two faces of the same group, and none of Pavilion's mission statement is... really all that accurate, sadly.

For instance, they upheld the idea of "healthy multiplicity" mostly by kicking out anybody who didn't look "healthy" enough. While Pavilion members "can come from anywhere," (2003, April 23) Lancers refused to take plurals who didn't maintain a certain standard of functionality and normalcy. "If everyone in your group cannot yet work functionally together in daily life, do not ask to join. If you wish to help the Lancers but haven't got things sufficiently together to be able to present to the world as strong, sane, and responsible, look elsewhere for help" (2002, October 8b).

Needless to say, we wouldn't fulfill this criteria! ;p But from what I've heard, er. I don't think many of the Lancers would have either. <_< From what ex-members have told us, and having MET some of the folks involved, we can safely say that the image was not the reality. It was a Potemkin activist group for Potemkin health.

And as for positive activism and public awareness... well, we only were on the edges in 2007-2008, but I can personally testify that pretty much none of that ever happened. <_< Rogan and Zyfron used to joke that it was actually an "INactivist" group! The only things I ever remember being done were mailing anonymous letters of complaint to television stations or newspapers, none of which led to anything concrete. It was actually what first inspired us to come out--we realized that there were very hard limits to what you could accomplish anonymously online.

And it wasn't just a 2007-2008 thing either! It wasn't much better in the early days, it turns out!

The Active Period

Pavilion Hall and the Lancers were founded in June 2002 (Pavilion, 2003 February 15). Ostensibly, all that was required to join Pavilion was "the willingness to support the work for respect and equality of all plural and non-plural types, actively if required," while the Lancers were more hardcore, "a group of singlets, medians and plurals dedicated to a particular philosophy of plurality and life," that of the Codex (Pavilion, 2003 April 23). Work immediately began on that Codex (Lancers, 2003 August 04), most of the content of which has been lost.

For a few months, there's activity (Pavilion, 2004 February 10a), but it's mostly internal--online communities created, internal hierarchy and job positions named, members recruited, meetings held. A presskit gets made. Some essays are written for the Library--it's hard to tell how many, due to archive rot. There is one offline meet-up, called the Floating Tea-Party, in Connecticut from 8/30/02 to 9/1/02 (Pavilion, 2004 February 10b). No others are ever noted.

In November 2002, the groups are put on "winter break" (2004, February 10a). Nothing of substance is ever done afterward, except for a vague statement of "Pavilion editors begin implementing updates and changes" in July 2003 (ibid). And that's basically the end of Pavilion's "active" period.

In that time, they made a presskit, held one offline meet-up, and (if I'm being as liberal as possible) 26 essays and 12 media reviews (plus recycled 18 more). Which might sound impressive, until you realize that's kind of sad for a claimed roster of 30 members and over the course of four years--for contrast, that's about as much stories/essays we post, all by ourself, in that amount of time! And that's not including lectures, panels, events, and public appearances we make! We're one system who are too visibly dysfunctional to make it onto Lancers' roster, and we still achieved more alone than they did with a claimed membership of 30! Though Amorpha says their roster was padded by sock puppets (2017, September 22). <_<

Projects

Pavilion Hall started the following projects, and since 2002 made the following progress:

Bananarama (later renamed Paperchase): "Send brochures to researchers and psychologists interested in plurality, collect and keep track of public opinion. Provide a real-time contact to replies." 263 brochures were sent out, as of 10/24/02 (2004 February 10c); the number remains unchanged to the present day (n.d. B).

Library: "Create a library of articles hosted on Pavilion able to be cited for essays and arguements [sic]" (2004 February 10c). This is the only project that has made much progress after 2002. Seven media reviews were written in 2003, one in February 2007, and one in September 2014 (n.d. C). (Also the 26 non-media-review essays are very badly organized. T_T)

Radiohead (later renamed RadioNow): "Arrange for an interview on Pacifica Radio presenting multiplicity as normal, debunking myths and outlining our agenda. [...] As of 9/8/03 nothing is happening on this project" (2004 February 10c). The sole change to the project since 2003 is that on the current version of the page, "As of 10/14/04 nothing is happening on this project" (n.d. B).

Armory (later renamed the Resource Section): "Creation of a resource area for Frontline [Lancer] members and others in Pavilion to be able to have backup in the form of essays and arguements" (2004, February 10c). In the old page from 2004, there are two complaint letters, a "Public responses to common questions and misconceptions," and a "Hall of Flames" (2004 January 30). Fifteen years later, all that has changed is that the Hall of Flames has been removed, another complaint letter added in 2007, and two links added by 2008: "How To Write A Good Complaint Letter" and "Guidelines -- Promoting Accuracy In Depictions of Multiple Personality" (2008 October 13). Despite over a decade passing, the 2008 links are still labeled with glittery rainbow "new!" text (n.d. D).

Northside: "Create a presskit including a cover letter, fact sheet, short bio sheet, copy of the brochure, and press releases as we write them. To be sent to media outlets with whom we desire an interview" (n.d. B). The presskit is completed on October 10, 2002, the sole Pavilion project to ever be finished (2004, February 10a).

Railroad: "Creation of a database for plurals to be able to access to find 'plural-friendly' businesses and services" (n.d. B). There is nothing there at all and never has been, far as I can tell. (But it's still up there as a project, seventeen years and a domain name later!)

The Lancers' Codex and "Fires" Theory

The Lancers' Codex is, in their own words, "a set of principles, definitions, essays, and a simple code of etiquette by which Lancers guide ourselves in our day-to-day lives and in our actions to bring healthy plurality to the attention of the general public. It stores our working definitions [emphasis theirs] of plurality and also ideas of how to bridge the gaps when people have trouble understanding" (2003, February 15). Despite this, their unified theory of plurality is abstruse and difficult to understand in its homebrewed metaphysicality.

The backbone of this theory was "fires," which they defined as "primal sources of vitality and inspiration. They're your who-you-are, your True Name. Everyone has a fire of some kind -- whether you're singlet, median or plural. People have described fires as sources of creativity, pillars of strength, centers of emotional and spiritual refreshment, places of rejuvenation, people who are inspiring rolemodels to others in their plural group...in other words, a fire is a source of energy. [...]

"singlets possess a single fire that is their identity and their life motivation. [...]

"Medians, one body with many people, also possess a single fire, embodied in a person within the group. [...] Everything in that group is dependent on that one person. [...]

"Multiples, also one body with many people, may possess more than one fire. These are not necessarily embodied in a person... it could be the sense of identity with one's otherworld, or some element therein. Some persons in multiple systems are also fires -- sometimes called giving fires, they are people who are looked up to as exemplary, role models, someone who inspires and encourages those around them to perseverence [sic], excellence and other virtues." (2003, August 4)

So, in other words, a fire could be a person, or inspiration, or a church, or an identity, or a 8-volt battery. It's so vaguely defined and confusing that it's no wonder nobody could figure out what it meant!

Apparently the theory seemed incoherent even then; the next question in the FAQ is, "The description of fires confuses me. Is there any clarification for it?" (ibid) The linked explanations have mostly been lost to the sands of time but the one that remains is a rambling chat log that offers no clarity (Lancers, 2002, July 31). Under this categorization, soulbonders were considered medians (Lancers, 2002, October 8a).

But I can't find any proof that the term "median" existed before the Lancers!

The Creation of the Term "Median"

At the time of the creation of Pavilion Hall and the Lancers, "median" was not a term in use, at least not on alt.support.dissociation or Dark Personalities. The more common term for being between singlet and multiple was "midcontinuum," used for at least the prior five years on alt.support.dissociation, Dark Personalities (2002 December 24), coined by the Vickis (1997 January 25).

The only sign of any discontent with the term "midcontinuum" predating the creation of Pavilion Hall comes from Dark Personalities, which in their 2001 glossary of plural jargon defined "midcontinuum" as "Being somewhere on the spectrum between multiple and singlet. Since many people feel the idea of a continuum to be inaccurate, many are seeking a new term instead of mid-continuum" (2001, May 19). Astraea will later plagiarize this definition wholesale in their own glossary definition of "median" (2003, January 11).

Later on, Astraea credits Blackbirds (who helped found Pavilion) with the creation of the term "median," saying "The reason we chose median, a word suggested by the Blackbirds, was that it seemed to encompass multiples who did not dissociate in addition to those who did" (2008, May 11). But that isn't the original explanation given for why the term was rejected!

In 2002, Lancers and Pavilion rejected "midcontinuum" for its fluidity. "The original idea of Mid-Continuum was designed to be loose, and therein lay the problem - it was entirely /too/ loose. Multiples and Mid-Conts were not quite sure where the lines lay between them. It was used to describe a massive ‘shades of grey’ area between singlet and multiple. Unfortunately, there was no clear idea of where these ‘shades of grey’ actually ended, though they began at anything more than single" (Phoenix, 2002 December 13).

But the thing is, people ARE fluid, and shades of gray will exist and muddy the water! There never are strict binaries; reality never conforms to our mental categories, because we make those categories up and try to force reality into them, not the other way around! We've had friends who are sometimes multiple and sometimes not; friends who've integrated and then un-integrated and then found themselves fluctuating up and down the spectrum. We've had polyfrag friends who seem to act as clouds of system members, constantly forming and reforming. I would say that the very fluidity of the gray-area definition is part of its power and appeal!

And honestly, "median" can't escape that power. Astraea take up the term "median" in their glossary, a few months after Pavilion's creation (2003, January 11), copy-pasting the Dark Personalities definition for midcontinuum and reapplying it to the new term, median. The current edition of the glossary (n.d.) goes further and appends the Pavilion/Lancers "fires" theory to the definition, though stripped of its metaphysical baggage: "Persons in a median system may be dependent upon a single individual (who may have created them at some point), and unable to exist without that central person." It then goes on to discuss all the fluidity that Pavilion Hall protested midcontinuum for. Over time, "median" grew to be just as fuzzy and fluid as "midcontinuum" was!

However, the use of "median" to the exclusion of "midcontinuum" on Astraea's Web MPD/DID glossary may have something to do with the use of the term in subsequent plural groups. (And I am so perplexed by this, you don't even know. Like, why create this whole new term, only to apply all the same old baggage to it? And if it was originally the issue with the association with trauma or medicalization, why not just SAY that? And they STILL don't define it in a way that makes any sense!)

(EDIT: I have since found out that Vicki(s) was Astraea's ex. -_- Now everything makes sense. This term seems to have been created solely to cut Vicki(s) and their contributions out of plural history. And it seems to have worked; Vicki(s)' web site ceased to be updated in November 2001, a few months before Pavilion Hall's creation. See Vicki(s), 2001 November 30.)

Ableism and Internal Conflict

Despite their attempts to pull away from medicalization, an ex-member of Pavilion hall, Amorpha, have publicly stated that Pavilion Hall's true goal was medical acceptance. "That's what it was all driving at in the end: getting doctors to approve the existence of non-DID systems and/or having media portray them, because SOCIETY! SOCIETY! SOCIETY will never take us seriously unless we have a doctor's endorsement or SOME form of authority backing us up. Actually, one of the systems involved stated numerous times that people just didn't understand that healthy multiplicity would NEVER get anywhere until we could GET A DOCTOR TO BACK US UP" (2017, September 20).

Amorpha further reports that behavior within the group was aggressive, coercive, and degrading, and that the membership roster was padded with sockpuppets. "The split between Lancers and Pavilion was initiated by the groups in charge to get rid of Jen (yes that Jen) [no, I don't know who this is] and all the systems they didn't think were 'functional enough' and then they lied about it being because 'Lancers is a SERIOUS HARDCORE ACTIVISM GROUP, Pavilion is for people who can't afford to devote as much time,' and two of the median systems listed were actually sockpuppets created to 'promote the median concept' to people who identified as soulbonders or singlets and 'might not realize they were median,' and the system that took it over a few months before it folded went around yelling about 'we need fanatics right now' and 'THE CODEX MUST NOT BE CHANGED' and lecturing everyone who hadn't been screaming at people for 'not doing enough work,' for 'coddling them'" (2017, September 22).

The Present

Lancers have recategorized themselves as "devoted to explaining multiplicity to singlets" (n.d). Their Livejournal community hasn't been updated since 2012, and they are never discussed on the current Pavilion website. Pavilion seems to be trying hard to pretend the Lancers never existed, and the Codex and the fires theory is eluded to, but never referred to by name. (If you know what you're looking for, though, it's pretty easy to spot; it's mostly just had the word "fires" removed.)

Citations

Amorpha, Anzeu of. (2017, September 20). This is one of those Just Me (tm) opinions, but... [Dreamwidth Comment] Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://lb-lee.dreamwidth.org/881645.html?thread=4699885#cmt4699885

Amorpha, Anzeu of. (2017, September 22). RE: This is one of those Just Me (tm) opinions, but... [Dreamwidth Comment] Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://lb-lee.dreamwidth.org/881645.html?thread=4702701#cmt4702701

Astraea. (n.d.) Glossary [web page]. Retrieved from http://astraeasweb.net/plural/glossary.html#median

Astraea. (2003, January 11) Glossary [web page]. http://astraeasweb.net/plural/glossary.html Internet Archive. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20030111103116/http://astraeasweb.net/plural/glossary.html

Astraea. (2008, May 11) A brief history of midcontinuum [web page]. Retrieved from http://karitas.net/pavilion/library/articles/m_midconthistory_temple0902.html

Dark Personalities. (2001, May 19). Terminology [web page]. http://www.darkpersonalities.com/terminology.htm Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://web.archive.org/web/20010519115202/http://darkpersonalities.com/terminology.htm

Dark Personalities. (2002 December 24). Terminology [web page]. http://www.darkpersonalities.com/terminology.htm Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://web.archive.org/web/20021224163501/http://www.darkpersonalities.com/terminology.htm

Lancers. (n.d.). Livejournal profile. Retrieved from https://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=lancershill

Lancers. (2002, July 31). Discussion: fires [web page] http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/codex/discussion/fires7_31_02.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://web.archive.org/web/20030930035835/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/codex/discussion/fires7_31_02.html

Lancers. (2002, October 8a). Types [web page] http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/codex/types.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://web.archive.org/web/20021008151302/http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/codex/types.html

Lancers. (2002, October 8b). Members [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/codex/members.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://web.archive.org/web/20021008145107/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/codex/members.html

Lancers. (2003, February 15). Codex. [web page] http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/codex.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/14 from https://web.archive.org/web/20030215083120/http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/codex.html

Lancers. (2003, August 4a). The Lancers' Codex. [web page] http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/codex/discuss.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/13 from https://web.archive.org/web/20030804093552/http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/codex/discuss.html

Lancers. (2003, August 4b). FAQ: fires [web page] http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/codex/faq/fires.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/13 from https://web.archive.org/web/20030804120312/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/codex/faq/fires.html

Pavilion Hall. (n.d. A) Livejournal Profile Page. Retrieved 2019/03/10 from https://pavilionhall.livejournal.com/profile

Pavilion Hall. (n.d. B) Projects. [web page] Retrieved from http://www.karitas.net/pavilion/projects.html

Pavilion Hall. (n.d. C) Library: Media Reviews. [web page] Retrieved from http://www.karitas.net/pavilion/library/library_media.html

Pavilion Hall. (n.d. D) Resources: Multiple Personality In Media [web page]. Retrieved from http://www.karitas.net/pavilion/resources.html

Pavilion Hall. (2003, February 15). Purpose [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/purpose.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/13 from https://web.archive.org/web/20030215080433/http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/purpose.html

Pavilion Hall. (2003, April 23). Pavilion Membership [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/members.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/13 from https://web.archive.org/web/20030423202658/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/members.html

Pavilion Hall. (2004 January 30). Pavilion Armory [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/armory/index.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/13 from https://web.archive.org/web/20040130221002/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/armory/index.html

Pavilion Hall. (2004, February 10a). News [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/news.html Internet Archive. Retrieved 2019/03/13 from https://web.archive.org/web/20040210201305/http://www.tanuki.cx:80/pavilion/news.html

Pavilion Hall. (2004, February 10b). Activities [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/activities.html Internet Archive. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20040210195927/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/activities.html

Pavilion Hall. (2004, February 10c). Projects [web page]. http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/projects.html Internet Archive. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20040210201935/http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion/projects.html

Pavilion Hall. (2008 October 13) Resources: Multiple Personality In Media [web page]. http://www.karitas.net/pavilion/resources.html Internet Archive. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20081013015309/http://www.karitas.net/pavilion/resources/index.html

Phoenix. (2002, December 13). Medians [web page]. http://www.kitsune.cx/~amaliel/median.html Internet Archive. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20021213014352/http://www.kitsune.cx/~amaliel/median.html

Vicki(s). (1997 January 25). New web page [Newsgroup message]. Retrieved from https://groups.google.com/d/msg/alt.support.dissociation/Dg4ZDCSBsMc/NJgeh7QSYlMJ

Viciki(s). (2001, November 30). Vicki(s)' Web Site [Home of the Wonderful World of the MidContinuum]. http://www.asarian.org/%7Evickis/index.html Internet Archive. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20040603045556/http://www.asarian.org/%7Evickis/index.html

Comments

[ljwrites]

Wow they sound so much like respectability politics: multiplicity version.

[lithophiles]

Wow, that's harsh, but... not inaccurate, at all. A lot of us (Anselmus being an exception) haven't wanted to talk much in public about the gap between the image and the reality of Pavilion, because we were afraid we would look vindictive or spiteful, like we were "out to get people" after all these years. But when other people confirm that it didn't look very good, we have to admit that it really wasn't a good activism group, and it was also a very negative experience for us. I know we've used the "Potemkin activism" analogy ourselves, and Sophie also came up with the analogy that they were roleplaying activism, considering that the three groups who had the most power in Pavilion did a lot of roleplaying and had all met each other through it. (Not that there's anything wrong with roleplaying. It just seems in retrospect like they had trouble distinguishing between roleplaying and reality, which is obviously a very bad foundation for an activism group.)

And the thing is, we were really enthusiastic and fired up to work on it, at first! It was just that-- again, being totally honest here-- it got hijacked early on by the Blackbirds' obsessions with categories and ranks, and suddenly we were told that Lucas of the Blackbirds was in charge of the project and no one was to question this, when we had envisioned it as more of an egalitarian thing. They didn't seem to know HOW to run anything except as a top-down chain of command. Then we were being told that the first and most important goal for us was to propose a "new model" to replace the DID model, and that was what "fires" was supposed to be. Somehow. We felt even at the time that this couldn't possibly get us anywhere, but the Blackbirds would get angry at anyone who questioned it-- slightly angry to their face, but they would rage at and insult them behind their backs. We saw how they talked in private about the people who questioned the "fires model," and at the time, we were afraid of being ripped apart behind the scenes the same way. (We would be, eventually, but we didn't find out about it until two years after it happened.) So we were like "okay, fine, let them have their fires, hopefully they'll see in time that it's not as all-encompassingly important as they think," which... didn't happen.

For instance, they upheld the idea of "healthy multiplicity" mostly by kicking out anybody who didn't look "healthy" enough.
While Pavilion members "can come from anywhere," (2003, April 23) Lancers refused to take plurals who didn't maintain a certain standard of functionality and normalcy.

The "functionality" thing often made us feel like we didn't deserve to be there, and we often felt it was the reason for why we weren't allowed to do more and why our ideas weren't taken more seriously. We were in our first year of university at the time, without adequate disability accomodations, and were struggling to keep up with our courses. We were also still running on "well, we're autistic, but we're not THAT autistic, we're VERY high-functioning, we can be completely normal with a little bit of effort." And no, actually, our sensory dysfunction was very disabling for us at the time, but we had nothing to compare it against, so we had no idea how far from "normal" it was. We were starting to realize that we were lying to ourselves about the "we can be completely normal with a little work" thing, but we didn't want to admit it. So in the middle of that, the Blackbirds and Hondas were presenting themselves as paradigms of Successful Plurals, and they did have excellent grades and jobs and lived independently and everything we had never been able to hold onto for more than a short time, at that point.

So.... yeah, it hit us, years later, after actually getting to know other disabled people, how ableist the vague criteria for "functionality" and "working together in daily life" were. I remember it being handwaved a few times with "It means you won't be irresponsible and say 'but my alters did it, not me'", but at other times, they were really pushing "we want to show people that we can have degrees and jobs and cars and apartments just like anyone." And, like, for one... those are very culture-bound measures of "success," and for another, we never got the impression that most of the people on groups like alt.support.dissociation DIDN'T have degrees, cars, and jobs. The stereotypical MPD/DID patient in a lot of places, at the time, was still considered to be someone who had gone through all the "standard" rites of adulthood and then began to melt down in their 30s or 40s.

Probably the biggest reason for the lack of concrete action, during the active period, was the massive organizational gridlock that mainly seemed to exist because of the Blackbirds' obsession with hierarchal order. I mean, there were five systems really involved with it, five bodies, so not a lot of work reasonably COULD be assigned. But Lucas really seemed to like "delegating work" and giving "assignments" after the weekly meetings. We would have meetings, then he or Gina would come up with a weekly essay topic and say we needed to write an essay on that for next week, and then rag on us for "not doing your work" if we said we didn't feel this was as important as other things we could be doing. I mean, ffs, this isn't school! Why are you giving "assignments" to the people who have ALREADY signed on board with your project and agree with your goals? Every time we tried to propose something we thought would be more useful as activism, they would shoot it down with rationales like "We can't do that until we're more organized and can prove to anyone who doubts us that we're all functional and capable of holding our own in day-to-day life."

Though Amorpha says their roster was padded by sock puppets (2017, September 22).

Yeah, there were two of them-- "Jessamy," the Blackbirds' median system, and another median journal I can't remember the name of, run by Astraea. I don't mean these were subsystems of their groups listing themselves separately. I mean that, as far as I know, they were people who didn't actually exist. They were characters that the Blackbirds and Astraea were playing out on LJ to "show singlets coming to understand that they were medians," to promote the concept and the use of the word. In other words, more roleplaying. And as far as we know, it didn't really influence anyone that much.

Also, in practice, the Lancers side was the only group who ever actually did much of anything. A lot of people were signed up for Pavilion, but almost none of them participated in any of the proposed projects. It really seemed like the Blackbirds and Hondas wanted as small and closed a group as possible because it was easier for them to micromanage every aspect of people's public presentations and actions that way. There were maybe 3 or 4 essays by people outside of that closed group.

Ironically, one of them, The Concept of Normality Considered Harmful, is the one we relate to the most nowadays. Jinkies left Lancers near the beginning because they kept questioning the fires concept and the Blackbirds refused to take this as anything other than an attack, but... at least they left that essay behind, which everyone SHOULD have listened to at the time, but no one did. They had greener fields to move onto, I guess, places where they could do activism and not worry because their ideas didn't mesh with one person's or system's theory of everything. (And, 17 years later, we've absolutely seen the dynamics they talked about in the gay and trans communities, and some of us have personally experienced the "you purposely make yourself look like a freak to get attention" stigma.)

More on this later. There's a lot I want to give background detail about here.

-Riel

[the_network]

That Jen wouldn't be the Final Fantasy House Jen or whatever, would it? Because if so that's wild but anyways

that definition of Median messed us up when we were first entering the community a few years ago because it was the only concrete definition we could find and at that point we had a front stuck host and entered through the soulbonding community so like..... we really thought we were literally Median for a while even though we were confused because we weren't the same person but our host was front stuck so we were dependent on them, right? We were super confused for the first like half a year lol

Also I think it was Amphora posted a history about this on tumblr which all said the same stuff... I'm glad that fires stuff died down because it really makes no sense and now Median is the same fuzzy gray space that people default to if they aren't singlet but they aren't obviously multiple either

[armaina]

Reading on this stuff is always interesting to see where things came from and how they leveled out.

Nothing good comes from trying to appease a medical or political group with just the thing you think makes you look 'best'. I've seen it so many times, a group tries to make something exclusive to 'look good' in the hopes of being taken seriously, it'll always end badly because you need all parts to be taken seriously for true help, not just the stuff you think looks nice to people not aware. You'd think people would learn and yet :/

[jadislefeu]

We've had friends who are sometimes multiple and sometimes not; friends who've integrated and then un-integrated and then found themselves fluctuating up and down the spectrum.

Oh, thank you for mentioning this, I always feel so weird about it when I'm in singlet periods (as now) and I didn't know it happened to other people too.

I think midcontinuum must have predated my time on alt.support.dissociation, because I don't remember it, and I think I remember knowing a median system there. But asdis was already pretty well into decline by the time I was on it, newsgroups were very much no longer in vogue.

[stealthsystem]

I remember us signing onto Pavilion when we were tiny plural, long before we knew how pathetic Astraea are, and very nearly unsigning because some jackass named Matt in Astraea gave us a snarky response sating we needed to work on spelling because we misspelled Veritas. Activism requires perfect spelling and it doesn’t matter if your body’s blind and you’re spelling at a word you didn’t see written out.
Jess
That last sentence is just me snarking, not what they said.

[lithophiles]

Oh yeah, so there's more detail I want to give here:

In November 2002, the groups are put on "winter break" (2004, February 10a). Nothing of substance is ever done afterward, except for a vague statement of "Pavilion editors begin implementing updates and changes" in July 2003 (ibid). And that's basically the end of Pavilion's "active" period.

The "winter break" had a really bizarre story behind it. In October 2002, the last Lancers meeting was held, and we were told that Lucas was stepping down as director (again, not that any of us had voted for him >.>) and Gina of the Hondas was replacing him. Gina was basically a bully who screamed at everyone for "needing coddling" if they were nervous about doing a "hey, I'm plural/median/multiple which is a functional and healthy state of being, unlike DID, ask me anything!" thing. I mean, if people volunteer to do that, that's totally fine, but we were being told we MUST do it or risk destroying the entire cause of plural activism. ...also, we were being told we must do it in places like soulbonding forums, in order to convince soulbonders they were medians. We were afraid it would look like we were trolling, and according to some people who were on the forum at the time of the unofficial "soulbonder campaign," yeah, it did look like a coordinated invasion and people were suspicious.

Gina also said that the Codex was "complete" and could not be changed any more no matter what. She said that "all of Lancers and all of Pavilion" was based on the Codex and if people continued to revise it, it would "make our position look indefensible" (whatever that actually meant... the Codex looked indefensible enough in the first place) and that they "needed fanatics" for Lancers. It's like, jesus, how much can you proselytize in a group of five systems?! And considering Gina wouldn't criticize the Blackbirds for anything, it was actually only the other three of us that she was yelling at and proselytizing to! Like, this is seriously the hill you want to die on?

...which we can say in retrospect, but at the time, we were upset enough that we were almost crying in a public computer lab at our school. But we could never say that we felt bullied and intimidated, because the Blackbirds and sometimes the Hondas would often lash back with "Oh, so you think none of US have ever had those feelings before in our life?" If we said we were upset, "you think none of US have ever had hurts that could compare?" If you were afraid of backlash over being essentially forced to out yourself online, "you think none of us have ever been afraid of repercussions?" There seemed to be literally NOTHING we could say-- and it seemed to be targeted at us in particular-- without the Blackbirds accusing us of "thinking we'd had it worse than anyone else," or going to rant to Astraea about how we supposedly did. One of the logs we found out about two years after it happened involved them going to Astraea and asking about our childhood trauma and, like, "how bad was it? Do you think it was worse than OURS? Do you think it gives 'her' an excuse to not participate in Lancers projects?" EVERYTHING was the goddamn dicksizing contest with them. EVERYTHING. We got to feel after a while that we couldn't even mention it if we cut our finger without them going "oh, so you think WE'VE never been injured in our life?"

So anyway, the meeting ended after Gina yelled at everybody, we felt like shit and weren't sure if we even wanted to continue with Lancers and Pavilion, and then nothing happened until November, when the Lancers' Hill journal announced a "winter break," and we were told we could continue to work independently on the projects we had been assigned. After that, nothing. There was no activity until sometime in January or February of 2003, where the Blackbirds added someone they described as a newly self-aware median system to Lancers' Hill, and then sometime later, removed them and made a post saying that this other system had constantly criticized people and attacked them for making private posts in their LJs. (Something to that effect, anyway... I'll log in later and re-check what it actually says)

And, you know, I don't want to be mean or anything, and it wasn't that we had no sympathy for having to deal with someone doing that, but I have to admit we were thinking "well, you made us feel constantly criticized and attacked, but we felt we couldn't defend ourselves because otherwise Lancers would fall apart." We didn't say it, though. Then, dead silence on Lancers' Hill again except for Gina talking about changes she had made to the page, and nothing in her journal or the Blackbirds' about this other system that had been so critical.

Or more accurately, they didn't tell us about it. We only found out about it through Astraea, and the story as it was apparently told to them made us go "WHAT." Apparently, their newly self-aware median friend was someone who had been skeptical and critical of the whole concept of multiplicity, thought that all plurals were self-indulgent wanky teenagers who wanted to feel special, and gave the appearance in public of mostly thinking it was bullshit. And then, somehow, went from that to... realizing they were median? Complete with a Multiple Code on their new plural LJ and an angry person who apparently yelled at everyone a lot? I mean, there are people who will attack something if they don't want to admit they do it, but there was a lot of... ??? ??? in this. It was just bizarre.

Also, this friend, who I'll just call "C," I guess, had never been part of Lancers or Pavilion until January or February of that year. But according to what the Blackbirds told Astraea, C had been criticizing Pavilion, Lancers, and the Codex since last summer and they had supposedly been revising the Codex over and over to "try and keep her happy." Instead of saying "Well, it's our personal project, and if you're that interested in it, join Lancers and discuss it there" (I mean, if the Codex hadn't been a giant pile of bullshit to begin with)... the Blackbirds, who had been constantly intimidating and criticizing us, somehow just completely folded for C and did everything she wanted? We were like "were we seeing a totally different set of people than C was?" But according to them, no, it was the same people! They said Lucas had stepped down because of all the stress C was causing him, when we had only ever experienced Lucas as pushy, critical, and passive-aggressive!

And I just... I don't want to sound like an ass, but we couldn't make sense of any of it. I know people can change a lot depending on who they're with, but somehow, the way the Blackbirds told it, even though they had no problem slapping us down and berating us for nonexistant offenses, C was somehow just so intimidating and overbearing that they were completely cowed by her and went along with whatever she said. This also meant that all the Codex changes since August were blamed on C demanding them, and the winter break was said to be an attempt to cool things down with her. They also blamed their constant attacking and criticizing of us (or "Azu" since they still kept calling us that) on C, because C didn't like us. (Which we had been well aware of before any of this happened; we only trusted their "new median friend" because we had no idea that they and C were one and the same, and the Blackbirds seemed to think they shouldn't have to tell us!)

And again, they told this all to Astraea, but not to us. They said they were sorry, but they apparently didn't feel strongly enough about it to apologize to us personally. They just told Astraea to pass on an apology to "Azu" from them and tell them the whole story they had told Astraea.

And, like... We have treated people badly in the past because we had friends who didn't like them and wanted us to shun or snark them. We also felt a lot of guilt about it. We've tried to apologize to those people personally, when we knew where they were, in the years since, whenever possible. I'm trying to come to some kind of conclusion here, but... all I can really think of is that it felt like we were constantly punished for not being able to read people's minds during Lancers, and that that would have been the only way that we could really have kept anyone happy.

-Riel

[ex_not643]

There is so much about Pavilion/Lancers that reminds me of current social justice activism. Whilst many modern activists tend to publicly repudiate respectability politics, there's still a pressure to conform through the kinds of language, models and cultural references that the community has chosen as a kind of tacit norm. They've simply replaced mainstream society's norms with boxes of their own creation, like Blackbirds' 'fires' model. (Which is... whilst I can understand recognising that each person has their own qualia or who-they-are-ness, they've managed to explain it in a way that seems deliberately obscure. I have an especial hatred for deliberate obscurantism, especially in philosophy. I can often slog through that language, but I keep thinking they could have used clearer language to describe the same concept.) Pavilion seems to have missed the entire point of dismantling society's arbitrary strictures about multiplicity by engaging in ineffective respectability politics and imposing its own attitudes about 'functionality'.



~K.