The Purpose of Doubt
Sep. 19th, 2018 04:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lb_leeIf you've been in any plural community, probably the most common question you've seen is, "Am I plural?" Pretty sure it's true for other relevant communities as well. I figure this is a common part of reassessing yourself on any front--you aren't sure, you think about it a while, then you decide one way or another and move on. In this capacity, doubt helps you find certainty, far more than if you just plowed in without ever questioning yourself.
But what happens when doubt plagues you for far, far longer? When that is a doubt you can never, ever appease or move on from?
Well, in that case, I find myself wanting to ask, "What purpose does the doubt serve?"
Denial is crude and it is fragile, but it can also be super-effective. Don't want to deal with something? Well, now that something no longer exists! Hurray, problem solved! Most people realize that ignoring the dirty dishes in the sink doesn't not actually make them go away, but if whatever it is isn't physically there, attracting flies in their kitchen, it's way easier to dismiss. Would recognizing you're plural mean you have to do something about it? Well, that's scary and requires life changes, sooooo claim you're not plural! Claim nobody's plural! Anyone who says otherwise is lying, delusional, or brainwashed, and surely that will never, ever bite you in the ass.
With plural doubts in particular, I think the denial also protects from guilt. Back when I was a violent screamy ragebaby in the system, I didn't have to be guilty about it, because nobody was real! Realizing I was multiple, and existed, meant having to go, "Oh my god, I was such an asshole," making amends, and actually changing myself into a decent human being. Obviously, that was a lot to take in, so it took me longer to come around to being multiple, even though I insisted that my reasons were pure emotionless logic. Sneak had nothing to feel guilty over, so pretty much snapped to accepting zer existence right off the bat; ze had no face to save, in that circumstance.
Plurality doubts can also just be a distraction from even deeper, scarier problems. In this case, plurality just becomes a symbol for something else. Is there trauma in your life? Don't want to look at it? Well, if you're not plural, then OBVIOUSLY you're not traumatized, hurray, problem solved! Or say, maybe your system reflects gender dynamics that make you suuuuper uncomfortable, but if you were singlet, you could just ignore all that! Or maybe there's that one headmate who calls into question your own religious beliefs, and denying the headmate becomes a way to avoid those niggling worries. (After all, where do you think that old evil demon alter phenomenon came from? Headmates often become symbols for the things we don't want to deal with.)
The denial becomes protective, the equivalent of your brain whispering, "Shh, don't look at that. Everything's fine. Nothing to worry about. Shhhhhh."
As we've aged, we've grown to find the "shh, don't look at that" to be a huge red flag. The whole purpose of doubt, in its best form, is to make you question yourself, look hard, and find clarity. Doubt that DISSUADES you from questioning and looking, that's obviously not doubt in its best form. That's clearly something more dubious, something that thrives on avoidance.
So, what is it that you want to avoid? And is avoiding it really going to protect you when things go wrong?
--Rogan
But what happens when doubt plagues you for far, far longer? When that is a doubt you can never, ever appease or move on from?
Well, in that case, I find myself wanting to ask, "What purpose does the doubt serve?"
Denial is crude and it is fragile, but it can also be super-effective. Don't want to deal with something? Well, now that something no longer exists! Hurray, problem solved! Most people realize that ignoring the dirty dishes in the sink doesn't not actually make them go away, but if whatever it is isn't physically there, attracting flies in their kitchen, it's way easier to dismiss. Would recognizing you're plural mean you have to do something about it? Well, that's scary and requires life changes, sooooo claim you're not plural! Claim nobody's plural! Anyone who says otherwise is lying, delusional, or brainwashed, and surely that will never, ever bite you in the ass.
With plural doubts in particular, I think the denial also protects from guilt. Back when I was a violent screamy ragebaby in the system, I didn't have to be guilty about it, because nobody was real! Realizing I was multiple, and existed, meant having to go, "Oh my god, I was such an asshole," making amends, and actually changing myself into a decent human being. Obviously, that was a lot to take in, so it took me longer to come around to being multiple, even though I insisted that my reasons were pure emotionless logic. Sneak had nothing to feel guilty over, so pretty much snapped to accepting zer existence right off the bat; ze had no face to save, in that circumstance.
Plurality doubts can also just be a distraction from even deeper, scarier problems. In this case, plurality just becomes a symbol for something else. Is there trauma in your life? Don't want to look at it? Well, if you're not plural, then OBVIOUSLY you're not traumatized, hurray, problem solved! Or say, maybe your system reflects gender dynamics that make you suuuuper uncomfortable, but if you were singlet, you could just ignore all that! Or maybe there's that one headmate who calls into question your own religious beliefs, and denying the headmate becomes a way to avoid those niggling worries. (After all, where do you think that old evil demon alter phenomenon came from? Headmates often become symbols for the things we don't want to deal with.)
The denial becomes protective, the equivalent of your brain whispering, "Shh, don't look at that. Everything's fine. Nothing to worry about. Shhhhhh."
As we've aged, we've grown to find the "shh, don't look at that" to be a huge red flag. The whole purpose of doubt, in its best form, is to make you question yourself, look hard, and find clarity. Doubt that DISSUADES you from questioning and looking, that's obviously not doubt in its best form. That's clearly something more dubious, something that thrives on avoidance.
So, what is it that you want to avoid? And is avoiding it really going to protect you when things go wrong?
--Rogan
no subject
Date: 2018-09-20 02:05 pm (UTC)--Hikaru
no subject
Date: 2018-09-20 03:47 pm (UTC)Yeah, I used to be the same way, but I discovered that some people will just never be convinced. God could come down his own self and declare it, and they'd just go "nah."
Also some folks changed their minds without me ever trying to persuade them. They just lurked and watched quietly and did all the heavy lifting themselves, which is really cool. It helped me realize that no, this business is not a high school debate class.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-20 05:16 pm (UTC)--HIkaru
no subject
Date: 2018-09-21 08:57 am (UTC)It's a waste of energy, but I think it's also your brain trying to defend itself in some way, scrolling through bad scenarios and trying to come up with answers to them. It may never come to pass, but some kind of survival instinct feels it's better than ignoring it. I guess the challenge is always how to strike a balance between the extremes.
-Istevia