Graves, Flowers, and Traumatic Growth
Oct. 5th, 2025 12:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lb_leeRogan: Well, this is something I have been keeping a secret for the past year, but it looks like I might have finally finished my personal memory work. Since September 2024, I have had only a few episodes, all triggered under extremely specific, unusual circumstances and all fairly easy to deal with. As I've waited to see if I'm truly done, I've come to find a lot of discussions about trauma lacking. As one therapist of mine once called it, there's a lot of talk of traumatic injury, and barely any about traumatic growth.
The conventional discussion of trauma I see, which has grown increasingly unsatisfying to me, is this idea that there is the "good" life someone is meant to live, and trauma is a Bad Thing that happens which becomes a permanent disruption (or even ruination) of this "good" life. The changes are overwhelmingly negative and permanent; once you are traumatized, that's it for you, and the more traumas you rack up, the more shortchanged you become of the "good" life. There is forever a sense of loss and waste, an awareness of the life you could've had, should have had, but now it's too late forever. The trauma cannot be undone, and you are Forever Ruined.
In some ways, it feels like a psychological virginity idea. Once your brain virginity is taken, you ain't never getting it back! You are Forever Sullied and Impure, and you will never have your pure, untraumatized, virgin self to give. Gross, isn't it?
Obviously, there are some terrible things I never want to happen to anyone. But the fact is, I have lived through some of those terrible things. My ideal world does not exist, may never exist, and I still have to keep living in the interim, so it behooves me to create a worldview and a life that don't treat me like tainted meat. I can't stop other people from seeing or treating me that way, but I sure as hell don't have to do it to myself!
It's true, I'm a high-mileage guy. But that mileage wasn't just a waste of my time! It has given me skills and knowledge that other people don't have, skills that are useful to myself and others. Our crisis planning essays and one-pagers seem to work for people who aren't just us, and I don't think they'd be nearly so good if we hadn't had to live through those crises and USE these plans, over and over, adapting and improving. Yes, we know how terrible people can be... but we've gotten better and better at not just escaping and dealing with those people ourself, but also helping other people do it too. I personally think that Panopticon and co. gave me too much credit when they claimed I broke the Gallifreyan Tradition Society, but I did help bring them down, and I don't think I would've been able to without my background in learning (through bitter experience) how people can get sucked into all-consuming ideologies and groups that destroy everything around them.
Part of my healing is using my mileage to help people. It is hard to describe the sense of fierce satisfaction and strength I get from that. It feels like pulling the swords out of my guts, beating them into plowshares, and then using them to feed a village. Just bouncing back myself, digging out the shrapnel and ditching it, isn't nearly as good. But USING that shrapnel, transforming it so as to fortify my people, my loved ones, my friends, my life? Oh, that is power. That is the best revenge I can ever imagine.
Had we not been brutalized, growing up, we'd probably be singlet. Maybe we would've become the speculative fiction writer we always dreamed of becoming, and that would've been a fine thing. But that is not who we are, who we became, and I just can't bring myself to forever mourn that loss. For a time, sure, but forever? No. My history is a part of me; it's why I came to be, and it's why I do what I do. And frankly, I feel like I'm doing more with my comics and essays than I would've as a fiction-only writer. I certainly can't imagine having lovers better than the ones I have right now!
I have been singularly blessed when it comes to the love in my life, and none of it would've happened if not for horrible things. Mac joined our crew because a death entity decided we needed help, and he was conveniently dead at the right time and got recruited. Biff joined our crew because Rawlin, while god-eaten, went and broke our mind open trying to find someone to help us in our time of need. Neither of these relationships would've happened had we been sane and safe. I might regret the circumstances that led to our meeting... but I can't regret meeting these wonderful people!
This idea that heartbreak and violence might boomerang into good things... there is no way to discuss that under the usual trauma conversation. And it's impossible for me to unravel the good stuff from the bad. My lovers joined us under terrible circumstances... and made our life beautiful. My career came about because I was too homeless and insane to do other work... and became the best job of my life. Yes, I grieve our losses, mourn our dead, but... how can I not be proud of the flowers that have grown on our graves? I have to be able to hold both the graves and the flowers both. I have to be able to say that my life is not just hard, but good.
I know that there will probably be sporadic episodes as very weird and improbable series of events manage to hit otherwise inaccessible triggers. And I obviously will never be the person we were before becoming multi. It seems ironic that the conventional MPD/DID healing narrative is, once you heal your trauma, you become a more normal member of society, because for me, healing has not only NOT made me normal, it's made me not mind that at all. (Perhaps this is why healing is so hard to obtain in our society. Why would it encourage a process that doesn't serve its interests?) But I like the person I've become. I feel a sense of steadiness, solidity, and peace that I didn't know was possible. I feel deeply rooted in my life, my work, and my relationships.
And it makes a difference! When I see, say, transphobic legislation, sure, I get upset or feel pain... and then it washes through me like water, neither lingering nor scarring. When Trump came to office again, we were upset for maybe two or three days; then we bounced back, and we've been basically fine ever since--something I canNOT say for my ostensibly less traumatized, "good" life friends.
The vast majority of triggers that once owned my life have dissipated, and those that remain are not only much more manageable, but seem to be overarching system triggers that will require other people's work to deal with. I feel a quiet but sturdy joy in my life, one that even the political climate can't take from me, and I created that by dealing with my damage.
WORTH IIIIIIIT!
The conventional discussion of trauma I see, which has grown increasingly unsatisfying to me, is this idea that there is the "good" life someone is meant to live, and trauma is a Bad Thing that happens which becomes a permanent disruption (or even ruination) of this "good" life. The changes are overwhelmingly negative and permanent; once you are traumatized, that's it for you, and the more traumas you rack up, the more shortchanged you become of the "good" life. There is forever a sense of loss and waste, an awareness of the life you could've had, should have had, but now it's too late forever. The trauma cannot be undone, and you are Forever Ruined.
In some ways, it feels like a psychological virginity idea. Once your brain virginity is taken, you ain't never getting it back! You are Forever Sullied and Impure, and you will never have your pure, untraumatized, virgin self to give. Gross, isn't it?
Obviously, there are some terrible things I never want to happen to anyone. But the fact is, I have lived through some of those terrible things. My ideal world does not exist, may never exist, and I still have to keep living in the interim, so it behooves me to create a worldview and a life that don't treat me like tainted meat. I can't stop other people from seeing or treating me that way, but I sure as hell don't have to do it to myself!
It's true, I'm a high-mileage guy. But that mileage wasn't just a waste of my time! It has given me skills and knowledge that other people don't have, skills that are useful to myself and others. Our crisis planning essays and one-pagers seem to work for people who aren't just us, and I don't think they'd be nearly so good if we hadn't had to live through those crises and USE these plans, over and over, adapting and improving. Yes, we know how terrible people can be... but we've gotten better and better at not just escaping and dealing with those people ourself, but also helping other people do it too. I personally think that Panopticon and co. gave me too much credit when they claimed I broke the Gallifreyan Tradition Society, but I did help bring them down, and I don't think I would've been able to without my background in learning (through bitter experience) how people can get sucked into all-consuming ideologies and groups that destroy everything around them.
Part of my healing is using my mileage to help people. It is hard to describe the sense of fierce satisfaction and strength I get from that. It feels like pulling the swords out of my guts, beating them into plowshares, and then using them to feed a village. Just bouncing back myself, digging out the shrapnel and ditching it, isn't nearly as good. But USING that shrapnel, transforming it so as to fortify my people, my loved ones, my friends, my life? Oh, that is power. That is the best revenge I can ever imagine.
Had we not been brutalized, growing up, we'd probably be singlet. Maybe we would've become the speculative fiction writer we always dreamed of becoming, and that would've been a fine thing. But that is not who we are, who we became, and I just can't bring myself to forever mourn that loss. For a time, sure, but forever? No. My history is a part of me; it's why I came to be, and it's why I do what I do. And frankly, I feel like I'm doing more with my comics and essays than I would've as a fiction-only writer. I certainly can't imagine having lovers better than the ones I have right now!
I have been singularly blessed when it comes to the love in my life, and none of it would've happened if not for horrible things. Mac joined our crew because a death entity decided we needed help, and he was conveniently dead at the right time and got recruited. Biff joined our crew because Rawlin, while god-eaten, went and broke our mind open trying to find someone to help us in our time of need. Neither of these relationships would've happened had we been sane and safe. I might regret the circumstances that led to our meeting... but I can't regret meeting these wonderful people!
This idea that heartbreak and violence might boomerang into good things... there is no way to discuss that under the usual trauma conversation. And it's impossible for me to unravel the good stuff from the bad. My lovers joined us under terrible circumstances... and made our life beautiful. My career came about because I was too homeless and insane to do other work... and became the best job of my life. Yes, I grieve our losses, mourn our dead, but... how can I not be proud of the flowers that have grown on our graves? I have to be able to hold both the graves and the flowers both. I have to be able to say that my life is not just hard, but good.
I know that there will probably be sporadic episodes as very weird and improbable series of events manage to hit otherwise inaccessible triggers. And I obviously will never be the person we were before becoming multi. It seems ironic that the conventional MPD/DID healing narrative is, once you heal your trauma, you become a more normal member of society, because for me, healing has not only NOT made me normal, it's made me not mind that at all. (Perhaps this is why healing is so hard to obtain in our society. Why would it encourage a process that doesn't serve its interests?) But I like the person I've become. I feel a sense of steadiness, solidity, and peace that I didn't know was possible. I feel deeply rooted in my life, my work, and my relationships.
And it makes a difference! When I see, say, transphobic legislation, sure, I get upset or feel pain... and then it washes through me like water, neither lingering nor scarring. When Trump came to office again, we were upset for maybe two or three days; then we bounced back, and we've been basically fine ever since--something I canNOT say for my ostensibly less traumatized, "good" life friends.
The vast majority of triggers that once owned my life have dissipated, and those that remain are not only much more manageable, but seem to be overarching system triggers that will require other people's work to deal with. I feel a quiet but sturdy joy in my life, one that even the political climate can't take from me, and I created that by dealing with my damage.
WORTH IIIIIIIT!
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Date: 2025-10-05 10:32 pm (UTC)Indeed. Pretty sure large swaths of our society want broken people because they are easier to control.
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Date: 2025-10-06 03:20 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2025-10-06 04:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-10-06 07:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-10-06 07:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-10-07 03:30 pm (UTC)It’s so weird to think how we heard this guy on the radio all the time but remember NOTHING of what he said!
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Date: 2025-10-06 06:54 am (UTC)Secondly: THIS. SO MUCH THIS.
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Date: 2025-10-06 03:21 pm (UTC)MORI AND RAWLIN ARE IN THE HOTSEAT NOW MWAHAHA
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Date: 2025-10-06 03:35 pm (UTC)I imagine so!
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Date: 2025-10-06 10:33 pm (UTC)Yep.
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Date: 2025-10-07 03:28 pm (UTC)These days, I tend to see my shit as more injuries and adaptation and change. Everyone gets injured, has to change and adapt to their lives, and maybe mine were nastier and meaner than most, but I’m not convinced they aren’t THAT much different in type than others, just maybe degree.
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Date: 2025-10-07 03:16 am (UTC)<3
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Date: 2025-10-07 03:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-10-07 03:46 am (UTC)I’m still healing, but I’m finding myself a little more able to help as I start trying to deal with my own trauma-caused bullshit. I’m realizing that maybe I’m a strong person after all.
And I know for a fact that our system traumas made us more resilient in ways.
-Angel
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Date: 2025-10-07 03:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-10-09 11:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-10-09 04:16 pm (UTC)And now I finally get to be the helpER, rather than always the helpEE, which is really nice!
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Date: 2025-10-09 01:39 pm (UTC)This remimds me of another post-- I think it was from yall: "People say not to romanticize mental illness, but I live in it. Don't tell me not to make the place pretty."
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Date: 2025-10-09 04:20 pm (UTC)Sometimes, people say “don’t romanticize” and mean “don’t claim any positives whatsoever.”
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Date: 2025-10-11 12:27 pm (UTC)Must've been from someone else, then. The post I'm thinking of was getting at the same point you made in that last sentence, though-- "don't claim any positives." But why not, if the positives are there?
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Date: 2025-10-13 06:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-10-09 04:48 pm (UTC)I'm reminded of one of our mottos from early memory recovery days, when it felt so overwhelming and like we'd just keep finding more heinous shit, forever.
"Your trauma isn't infinite. It may be bigger and worse than you imagined, but there is an end to it, because you've lived a finite life."
Hearing someone found the end of theirs, while we're still knee-deep in ours is indescribable. Like it's really possible! It's equal parts the relief of seeing the car after a way-too-long hike and like, jumping up and down with joy and wanting to celebrate for you.
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Date: 2025-10-10 03:28 pm (UTC)When I started on this miserable journey, I knew nobody else who’d done it... or if they had, they weren’t talking. I could barely find any records of people who HAD done it, never mind them talking about how long it took, what they did to deal with it, or even what it was like. At best, I could find things like, “oh yeah, I had constant flashbacks and couldn’t leave the house for a year, then it calmed down,” but here I was five years in with no sign of end.
I did, however, have PLENTY of FMSF boogeyman stories about people whose memory work just got worse and worse and worse and never ended! I really did just have to make the decision, day after day, to keep doing the work, even though it looked like I was following that boogeyman narrative, because nothing I did to stop it worked. And eventually, we started seeing real gains from it, so we knew it was doing something!
So, yes, I believe in you. One day, you’ll reach this point too, the memories of heinous atrocities will no longer burn you, and you too can tell the ones coming after you that yes, it does end.
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Date: 2025-10-13 02:35 pm (UTC)Four and a half years in, we're seeing results too, breathing space and triggers breaking down and a confidence in our process that shocks outsiders. And the skills we're gaining are helping the people in our lives, from system friends going through all kinds of system-specific struggles to dissociated singlet friends to just like, super anxious folks. Somehow we've become the system elders in our little community? Which is wild cuz we're not THAT old. But it does give me hope, that one day, we'll hit the end of all this, and we can be the system elders that get to tell the ones after that it's simultaneously the single worst and single best thing we've ever done for ourselves, and that there's life beyond it.
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Date: 2025-10-13 06:10 pm (UTC)Forever bitter that Courage to Heal got so slammed by the FMSF; they were basically the ONLY book we could find that discussed memory work AT ALL, even though only very lightly. But at least they did!
One day, adventurer, you too will make your final journey into Hell, procure the great amulet of Yendor, and come out again unburnt and proud, telling your following questors, “yes! It can be done!” I remember that four and a half years in, I still wondered if I was accomplishing anything, but cannot argue with results!
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Date: 2025-10-20 03:36 pm (UTC)It's good to remember there's a finish line, cuz right now, we feel like we've been hit by a train. It's "knocked on ass" season after all.
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Date: 2025-10-13 06:23 pm (UTC)