True Memory Syndrome
Sep. 13th, 2025 08:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lb_leeRogan: man, but I am so glad the False Memory Syndrome folks were so wrong about everything.
My lost memories came up spontaneously, completely outside of therapy. I regained memories of good things, not just bad. And contrary to all the boogeyman warnings, I did not, in fact, slide down a well of eternal wailing and victimhood; in fact, by facing and embracing my past, I was freed to face and embrace my present too. Being myself, I have more friends, colleagues, and community than I’ve ever had in my life, and despite the rise of fascism, I am happy, strong, and fighting.
The one part the FMS people were right about was that I’d cut off the family, but even a dead clock is right twice a day. (I guess I did also cut off anyone who tried to persuade me to get back together with them, but that’s not the same thing as the FMS nugget about cutting off everyone who disagrees with you.) And unlike them, I don’t say “family of choice” with venom; I’m queer, you see.
The FMS people were so determined to convince me that if I ever regained a memory and took it seriously, I would spend the rest of my life weeping on a chaise lounge, blubbering over bonbons, forever alone. Appropriately for a lobby created overwhelmingly by and for parents accused of child abuse, they seemed unable to fathom the idea of a child (THEIR child) growing up and moving past them.
I don’t think about the family much anymore. When I do, the emotions are those I’d have about anyone else. The family isn’t heartbreaking, shameful, or infuriating to think about. They’re not scary. They’re just sad. They’re sad people, and I left them a long time ago.
I’ve reached the point in my life where my own history is less interesting to me than what it can do. How can I learn from it, use it to help others? What lessons are there? How can I compost it, and what things will I grow in it? There are other people in pain; how can I help them?
The FMS philosophy—again, appropriately for an abusers lobby—is one of immense selfishness. It’s all about nursing grievance, lashing out, hanging on by way of sinking teeth into the target. FMS folks accuse (their) abused children of doing all these things, and they do it themselves through litigation, propaganda, performing the very victimhood they accuse their children of. They tell on themselves, and it’s fascinating to me, how badly they NEED to hang onto that grievance, that victimhood, those children. People have spilled endless ink about how ostensibly some victims “need” an abuser, but never have I seen someone discuss how badly some abusers seem to need their victim to pat their ass and endlessly reassure and cater to them. The stereotype of the child abuser is of one who doesn’t care about their child, but the FMS people’s behavior shows that no, some abusers care very, very much about their child... as an ego prop and emotional waste dump. How sad and weak that is! How embarrassing for them. And they built a whole movement around it!
When I first heard the talking points, I believed them, because... well, because they enacted a huge PR campaign, and also because I was a child whose family warned me about the psychological dangers of “blaming your parents for everything.” Now, when I read that stuff, all I can think is how TRANSPARENT it all is, how obviously self-serving, and how impressive it is that so few people seemed to notice.
My lost memories came up spontaneously, completely outside of therapy. I regained memories of good things, not just bad. And contrary to all the boogeyman warnings, I did not, in fact, slide down a well of eternal wailing and victimhood; in fact, by facing and embracing my past, I was freed to face and embrace my present too. Being myself, I have more friends, colleagues, and community than I’ve ever had in my life, and despite the rise of fascism, I am happy, strong, and fighting.
The one part the FMS people were right about was that I’d cut off the family, but even a dead clock is right twice a day. (I guess I did also cut off anyone who tried to persuade me to get back together with them, but that’s not the same thing as the FMS nugget about cutting off everyone who disagrees with you.) And unlike them, I don’t say “family of choice” with venom; I’m queer, you see.
The FMS people were so determined to convince me that if I ever regained a memory and took it seriously, I would spend the rest of my life weeping on a chaise lounge, blubbering over bonbons, forever alone. Appropriately for a lobby created overwhelmingly by and for parents accused of child abuse, they seemed unable to fathom the idea of a child (THEIR child) growing up and moving past them.
I don’t think about the family much anymore. When I do, the emotions are those I’d have about anyone else. The family isn’t heartbreaking, shameful, or infuriating to think about. They’re not scary. They’re just sad. They’re sad people, and I left them a long time ago.
I’ve reached the point in my life where my own history is less interesting to me than what it can do. How can I learn from it, use it to help others? What lessons are there? How can I compost it, and what things will I grow in it? There are other people in pain; how can I help them?
The FMS philosophy—again, appropriately for an abusers lobby—is one of immense selfishness. It’s all about nursing grievance, lashing out, hanging on by way of sinking teeth into the target. FMS folks accuse (their) abused children of doing all these things, and they do it themselves through litigation, propaganda, performing the very victimhood they accuse their children of. They tell on themselves, and it’s fascinating to me, how badly they NEED to hang onto that grievance, that victimhood, those children. People have spilled endless ink about how ostensibly some victims “need” an abuser, but never have I seen someone discuss how badly some abusers seem to need their victim to pat their ass and endlessly reassure and cater to them. The stereotype of the child abuser is of one who doesn’t care about their child, but the FMS people’s behavior shows that no, some abusers care very, very much about their child... as an ego prop and emotional waste dump. How sad and weak that is! How embarrassing for them. And they built a whole movement around it!
When I first heard the talking points, I believed them, because... well, because they enacted a huge PR campaign, and also because I was a child whose family warned me about the psychological dangers of “blaming your parents for everything.” Now, when I read that stuff, all I can think is how TRANSPARENT it all is, how obviously self-serving, and how impressive it is that so few people seemed to notice.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-14 03:25 am (UTC)Much like how the angry Dumpster turnip behaves, by convincing people that others are doing the exact thing he’s doing.
Is it bad that I want to… not blubber on a chaise lounge, but fling myself across one and then eat all the bonbons? Except our former Macbook Bonbon. That one isn’t for eating.
But I would share all my chocolate with y’all. Except the coffee chocolates which I’ll be sharing with Bob and Falcon but not the rest of you.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-14 02:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-09-15 04:59 am (UTC)-Cherri
no subject
Date: 2025-10-20 04:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-09-14 10:01 pm (UTC)I am/we are not at that point in our life yet, but I see us moving in that direction and this sentence (and the compost) gave me just a sense of clarity. Taking the pain seriously IS moving on. The kind of "moving on" I was taught was actually "ignore your own pain for decades". Which only traps it inside yourself, which then means you actually can't move on at all...
I have recently wondered what we'll do once we accept that what's done is done, and there's nothing we can do to make it better. It feels freeing. If we stop fighting for approval we're not getting (even after we cut off contact, we repeat the same patterns with everyone else), we could do...anything else! I don't even know what we will do! But it'll be our own choice, and I'm excited to see what an us-shaped life looks like.
It's good to see what this journey can look like in the future. Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-15 02:24 am (UTC)Rogan: BINGO! You've got it! I can testify that even intense, formerly intractable psychological pain can eventually move through. It doesn't have to be stuck forever!
I have recently wondered what we'll do once we accept that what's done is done, and there's nothing we can do to make it better. It feels freeing.
It is. When I remember how I felt around the very start of this journey, or before it, I remember feeling bound to the family by an unbreakable cable that I was desperately trying to saw through. I remember asking, "Will this ever hurt less? Will things ever get better?" I wish I could go back to that self and tell him that yes, it will, that one day he wouldn't have to think or care about them much at all.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-15 05:26 pm (UTC)THIS. A million times, this
no subject
Date: 2025-09-15 05:57 pm (UTC)Hot damn, embroider that on a t-shirt!
That could just about be a motto for our memory work. It feels like pockets of old pain bubbling up to the surface like swamp gas, and the only thing that makes it better for us is taking it seriously. Treating it like it's fresh wounds, expressing the pain, creating space within ourselves for the pain to exist in, instead of pushing it away. Our first instinct is still to bury it, pull away, try to mask whatever the pain is, and it makes the pain worse. Last month we spent days working a physical job with excruciating body memories, which we literally can't get to stop except through methods we won't use. And the only thing that helped was saying variations of "this hurts, this hurt is real, it's okay to be this hurt, you have good reason to feel hurt". Same with the emotional pain, try to avoid processing it, it gets louder and more insistent. Make space for it, feel it, let others know about it, and it moves through us.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-16 02:10 am (UTC)