Edward Cullen, alas, isn't aphasic at all
Jul. 19th, 2023 05:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lb_leeMori: Just as well I got that aphasia zine done; Rogan lost his words again yesterday. We'll see how long it lasts this time!
You might've noticed I done been cranking out a bunch of little zines, just noodling and experimenting around. I feel like Rogan was getting too bound up in perfectionism, like now everything had to top All In The Family, even though that's stupid and a recipe to never get anything done. (I hardcore believe in cranking out stuff like it's sausage and just letting the crap fall away by the wayside, rather than treating every project like some precious gem that must be ABSOLUTELY PERFECT for some invisible audience who may not even care. That's a recipe for resentment like, "how dare the public not care about my 800-page exhaustively-researched tome on perler bead technique throughout the 1990s? After how hard I worked???")
Despite all that, it's like I inherited some of Rogan's bullshit as I was working on the aphasia zine! I only wanted to make a little thing about a weird thing we were experiencing and how we were dealing with it, and then Edward Cullen, the sparkly vampiric voice of self-hate, popped up with all sorts of nonsense like:
"You fool, you can't just MAKE a little sixteen-page-zine about your personal experience! It has to be some huge well-researched thing that could pass an academic board! Don't you know that zines are BIG FANCY AND LEGIT???"
"You can't call it aphasia! Even though it totally is aphasia! Inappropriate! You have to call it something else, but I don't approve of any of the terms you want to use either. Because that would require admitting the actual scope of the problem, and self-hate never accepts anything but villification of the victim!"
"You haven't been dealing with this for nearly long enough to justify making a zine about it. He's only been silent for a few weeks. You're only allowed to make a stupid little perzine about it if you've spent at least... well, if I give you an actual timeframe or you'll hold me to it, so let's just say MORE. You have to spend MORE TIME first."
And I'm like, WTF, Edward, you're not even MY self-hate, you're Rogan's! Get the hell out of here, you little vampire turd! Who asked you?
I wanted to make this zine, you know? All the shit I was finding was stuff for like, parents of Special Needs children, which was the OPPOSITE of my role in all this. Rogan is my big brother acting in loco parentis, and infantilizing him would just honk BOTH of us off. He's still just as smart and adult as he was before; he's just lost his ability to use grammar! (Which also meant he couldn't use Grey's workarounds of signing or writing. She really is just selectively mute; voice is what wears her out. But sign language and writing use grammar, which means Rogan has the same problems with them that he does with spoken language.) (Luckily, our cards can do double duty for Grey, which is good, because she's an elegant old lady and inflicting that preschool-primary-colored stuff on her was just... insulting.)
I LIKE cranking out my little sausage zines and throwing spaghetti at the wall to see if it sticks. It's fun. Go pound sand, Edward Cullen. I ain't gonna adopt you.
You might've noticed I done been cranking out a bunch of little zines, just noodling and experimenting around. I feel like Rogan was getting too bound up in perfectionism, like now everything had to top All In The Family, even though that's stupid and a recipe to never get anything done. (I hardcore believe in cranking out stuff like it's sausage and just letting the crap fall away by the wayside, rather than treating every project like some precious gem that must be ABSOLUTELY PERFECT for some invisible audience who may not even care. That's a recipe for resentment like, "how dare the public not care about my 800-page exhaustively-researched tome on perler bead technique throughout the 1990s? After how hard I worked???")
Despite all that, it's like I inherited some of Rogan's bullshit as I was working on the aphasia zine! I only wanted to make a little thing about a weird thing we were experiencing and how we were dealing with it, and then Edward Cullen, the sparkly vampiric voice of self-hate, popped up with all sorts of nonsense like:
"You fool, you can't just MAKE a little sixteen-page-zine about your personal experience! It has to be some huge well-researched thing that could pass an academic board! Don't you know that zines are BIG FANCY AND LEGIT???"
"You can't call it aphasia! Even though it totally is aphasia! Inappropriate! You have to call it something else, but I don't approve of any of the terms you want to use either. Because that would require admitting the actual scope of the problem, and self-hate never accepts anything but villification of the victim!"
"You haven't been dealing with this for nearly long enough to justify making a zine about it. He's only been silent for a few weeks. You're only allowed to make a stupid little perzine about it if you've spent at least... well, if I give you an actual timeframe or you'll hold me to it, so let's just say MORE. You have to spend MORE TIME first."
And I'm like, WTF, Edward, you're not even MY self-hate, you're Rogan's! Get the hell out of here, you little vampire turd! Who asked you?
I wanted to make this zine, you know? All the shit I was finding was stuff for like, parents of Special Needs children, which was the OPPOSITE of my role in all this. Rogan is my big brother acting in loco parentis, and infantilizing him would just honk BOTH of us off. He's still just as smart and adult as he was before; he's just lost his ability to use grammar! (Which also meant he couldn't use Grey's workarounds of signing or writing. She really is just selectively mute; voice is what wears her out. But sign language and writing use grammar, which means Rogan has the same problems with them that he does with spoken language.) (Luckily, our cards can do double duty for Grey, which is good, because she's an elegant old lady and inflicting that preschool-primary-colored stuff on her was just... insulting.)
I LIKE cranking out my little sausage zines and throwing spaghetti at the wall to see if it sticks. It's fun. Go pound sand, Edward Cullen. I ain't gonna adopt you.
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Date: 2023-07-20 03:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-07-21 05:12 am (UTC)- Cypress
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Date: 2023-07-21 03:27 pm (UTC)