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lb_leeRead through Mending Ourselves: Expressions of healing & self-integration, by the Readers of MANY VOICES from 1993, and I am glad to pass it on. The most useful, practical stuff I found on how an integration may actually go, and how someone may deal or prepare for it, was in "Integration," by Abigail Collins (pg. 163-166), so I'm just going to transcribe that bit:
Just as everybody is different, so are integrations unique. What may be a difficult area for one person could be problem-free for another, while experiences vary from integration to integration. After successfully completing 21 integrations with an additional 12 fragments to wholeness from ritual abuse, I found common thread throughout my experiences. As I approached my first integration, I desperately wanted to know another survivor's experiences, only to find myself alone with clinical material provided by my therapist--along with my worst imaginations and fears. This article is for all those brave and courageous multiples who are journeying the vast frontiers of healing.
Integration for me felt like major surgery to my nervous system. Like two live wires that had been disconnected and finally joined as one, integration was the 'juice' of fusion, bringing a rush of emotion, body memory, and enlightenment. I felt the current of the one I had integrated, which magnified my senses. My therapist's normal soft voice was so amplified that she had to reduce her tone to a whisper so I could hear her in a normal, tolerable tone. Distant outside traffic could be heard easily, while my therapist either experienced a delayed reaction or remained deaf and unaware to the same sounds. My eyes were painfully blinded by daylight, necessitating the need for a darkened room and sunglasses, while colors appeared brilliantly vivid. As long forgotten experiences became mine to own forever, my nerves were frayed and brittle. My body embraced the trauma of the past, bringing agonizing pain in some instances, accelerated heart rate, extreme weakness and overwhelming fatigue, with a complete inability to cope with life and the outside world. Oddly enough, it was a time for laughter, a time for tears, a time for loving, a time for hating, a time for living and a time for dying...but a much needed time for embracing it all.
I required an extraordinary amount of protected, secluded time including complete bed rest for three days. It was critical for my body to adjust to the massive chemical changes while enduring body memories, as memories flooded, keeping me on an emotional roller coaster. It was all I could do to write the gruesome truth and draw what I couldn't verbalize, leaving me too exhausted to even sleep. By the fourth day, the storms of integration began to clear and I began to experience renewed strength in a slow, steady incline of health.
Integration for me held three phases. The first phase was upon impact of our joining whereby we were connected. I felt as though we were attached by a long cord that enabled my alter and me to continue seeing and talking while feeling and experiencing each other as joined; yet we maintained a separate distance that gradually grew less as we neared the next phase. This first phase with the most critical in retrieving lost memories, learning the history and purpose of that particular alter. Significantly, it was an important period for finding pathways of communication and biological functioning.
The second phase held absorption, whereby my connected alter and I opened our hearts and embraced as we blended together as one. I could no longer experience any type of 'separate relationship; thus, I grieved at the loss of my intimate companion. The self I had once been was gone forever, and I would experience a unique blend of new colors within myself in this rebirth.
The final phase was a cementing season. Like laying bricks for a new building, the mortar has to set and dry for a secure foundation; so too, I required a period of quiet, restful, nondemanding seasoning to solidify the foundation of integration that had just been laid. This was necessary for replenishment while the mind, body and soul mended.
Generally, I found integrations with babies and children less traumatic and of shorter duration than adult integrations, which held a number of complexities and overlapped on several levels. The three 'babies' under one year were integrated at one time. I had to learn to grasp my past on primitive, infantile levels. I not only found this particular part of my recovery embarrassing, but I felt it was the valley of the deepest humiliation.
I chose to do most of my integrations in my therapist's lap while bundled up in my safe, pink blanket. Her secure loving arms brought the much-needed comfort and assurance as I began a new foreign journey into the pain and trauma my alter held. [Note from LB: therapists are generally not supposed to touch their patients, and this practice is both not okay but also sadly common in multiples' stories from this time period.] My perpetrators had frequently used hypnotic sets, and spontaneous integrations were common at the breaking of those cues. I required frequent hospitalizations for shock, dehydration, and high blood pressure, with medication used to ease the pain and constriction of muscles from body memory. Close friends were added supports in taking care of me when my health failed; thus I quickly learned to prepare for those special seasons of integration.
The closer I got to doing an integration, the more I wanted to Run, Run, Run!! I wanted to run anywhere I could to escape myself and present circumstances, feeling damned for wanting to run, and feeling damned in forgiving ahead in the therapeutic process. There was a return to the nightmare of trapped emotions and circumstances. I was terrified of not knowing what to expect. My worst imaginings would overwhelm me. Even after I had become experienced and an 'old hand' at integrating, I always felt cold feet with pre-integration jitters, knowing the painful road ahead. My fears would accelerate, worrying that something worse than I had already experienced would befall me.
Another alarming issue was the fear I would take on those distasteful characteristics of those offensive alters in integration. I didn't want to inherit the explosive rage that one alter carried, nor I did care to leave my quiet mode to become a never-ending 'chatty magpie.' My anxiety deepened as I feared I would somehow leave my heterosexual role and adopt the lesbian lifestyle of my alter. These fears were only quieted with the assurance from the integration of experience, that there would be a blend and balanced stability.
I believe integrations will be less stressful and easier to manage when there is preparation. The following is a list of helpful hints:
1. Prepared to exit and retreat from normal daily functions for at least four or five days.
2. Stock up on groceries. (Remember, well-balanced meals are important.) Catch up on bills, errands, as well as household chores including laundry, dishes, etc.
3. Special comforts such as bubble baths, hot water bottles, blankets, soothing music, toys, and rocking chairs should be kept handy.
4. Plenty of crayons, pencils and paper for writing and drawing are vital for your work.
5. Child care arrangements should be made if the circumstances warrant.
6. If integration takes place in the office with your therapist, have a designated driver.
7. Have a dependable 'take care' person available should you need assistance.
8. Keep emergency numbers ready, with your therapist's hours, emergency services, and stable, close friends. Remember, it's not a sign of weakness to ask for help when doing integrations; rather, it's a sign of strength!
9. When integrating babies, pacifiers, bottles, baby food, and Depends [adult diapers] are frequently used supplies for processing.
Is it worth it? Yes! The health and wholeness I enjoy today was worth the sacrifices of therapy and pain. Now marriage is in the near future with a kind, gentle man; I delight in a beautiful and fulfilling sexual relationship. The return to college for my degree continues to be stimulating as I pursue the remaining God-given talents in the arts.
If you feel you are strapped to the seat of a roller coaster, unable to exit the journey of thrills and fright, hang on--no matter how scary the drops or demented the twists and turns, there is an end which will bring the reward of sanity, health and healing. Go for it, with a sense of adventure, and I know each integration will be another step towards ending the pain, another part of the most courageous and unforgettable journey you will ever make.
Just as everybody is different, so are integrations unique. What may be a difficult area for one person could be problem-free for another, while experiences vary from integration to integration. After successfully completing 21 integrations with an additional 12 fragments to wholeness from ritual abuse, I found common thread throughout my experiences. As I approached my first integration, I desperately wanted to know another survivor's experiences, only to find myself alone with clinical material provided by my therapist--along with my worst imaginations and fears. This article is for all those brave and courageous multiples who are journeying the vast frontiers of healing.
Integration for me felt like major surgery to my nervous system. Like two live wires that had been disconnected and finally joined as one, integration was the 'juice' of fusion, bringing a rush of emotion, body memory, and enlightenment. I felt the current of the one I had integrated, which magnified my senses. My therapist's normal soft voice was so amplified that she had to reduce her tone to a whisper so I could hear her in a normal, tolerable tone. Distant outside traffic could be heard easily, while my therapist either experienced a delayed reaction or remained deaf and unaware to the same sounds. My eyes were painfully blinded by daylight, necessitating the need for a darkened room and sunglasses, while colors appeared brilliantly vivid. As long forgotten experiences became mine to own forever, my nerves were frayed and brittle. My body embraced the trauma of the past, bringing agonizing pain in some instances, accelerated heart rate, extreme weakness and overwhelming fatigue, with a complete inability to cope with life and the outside world. Oddly enough, it was a time for laughter, a time for tears, a time for loving, a time for hating, a time for living and a time for dying...but a much needed time for embracing it all.
I required an extraordinary amount of protected, secluded time including complete bed rest for three days. It was critical for my body to adjust to the massive chemical changes while enduring body memories, as memories flooded, keeping me on an emotional roller coaster. It was all I could do to write the gruesome truth and draw what I couldn't verbalize, leaving me too exhausted to even sleep. By the fourth day, the storms of integration began to clear and I began to experience renewed strength in a slow, steady incline of health.
Integration for me held three phases. The first phase was upon impact of our joining whereby we were connected. I felt as though we were attached by a long cord that enabled my alter and me to continue seeing and talking while feeling and experiencing each other as joined; yet we maintained a separate distance that gradually grew less as we neared the next phase. This first phase with the most critical in retrieving lost memories, learning the history and purpose of that particular alter. Significantly, it was an important period for finding pathways of communication and biological functioning.
The second phase held absorption, whereby my connected alter and I opened our hearts and embraced as we blended together as one. I could no longer experience any type of 'separate relationship; thus, I grieved at the loss of my intimate companion. The self I had once been was gone forever, and I would experience a unique blend of new colors within myself in this rebirth.
The final phase was a cementing season. Like laying bricks for a new building, the mortar has to set and dry for a secure foundation; so too, I required a period of quiet, restful, nondemanding seasoning to solidify the foundation of integration that had just been laid. This was necessary for replenishment while the mind, body and soul mended.
Generally, I found integrations with babies and children less traumatic and of shorter duration than adult integrations, which held a number of complexities and overlapped on several levels. The three 'babies' under one year were integrated at one time. I had to learn to grasp my past on primitive, infantile levels. I not only found this particular part of my recovery embarrassing, but I felt it was the valley of the deepest humiliation.
I chose to do most of my integrations in my therapist's lap while bundled up in my safe, pink blanket. Her secure loving arms brought the much-needed comfort and assurance as I began a new foreign journey into the pain and trauma my alter held. [Note from LB: therapists are generally not supposed to touch their patients, and this practice is both not okay but also sadly common in multiples' stories from this time period.] My perpetrators had frequently used hypnotic sets, and spontaneous integrations were common at the breaking of those cues. I required frequent hospitalizations for shock, dehydration, and high blood pressure, with medication used to ease the pain and constriction of muscles from body memory. Close friends were added supports in taking care of me when my health failed; thus I quickly learned to prepare for those special seasons of integration.
The closer I got to doing an integration, the more I wanted to Run, Run, Run!! I wanted to run anywhere I could to escape myself and present circumstances, feeling damned for wanting to run, and feeling damned in forgiving ahead in the therapeutic process. There was a return to the nightmare of trapped emotions and circumstances. I was terrified of not knowing what to expect. My worst imaginings would overwhelm me. Even after I had become experienced and an 'old hand' at integrating, I always felt cold feet with pre-integration jitters, knowing the painful road ahead. My fears would accelerate, worrying that something worse than I had already experienced would befall me.
Another alarming issue was the fear I would take on those distasteful characteristics of those offensive alters in integration. I didn't want to inherit the explosive rage that one alter carried, nor I did care to leave my quiet mode to become a never-ending 'chatty magpie.' My anxiety deepened as I feared I would somehow leave my heterosexual role and adopt the lesbian lifestyle of my alter. These fears were only quieted with the assurance from the integration of experience, that there would be a blend and balanced stability.
I believe integrations will be less stressful and easier to manage when there is preparation. The following is a list of helpful hints:
1. Prepared to exit and retreat from normal daily functions for at least four or five days.
2. Stock up on groceries. (Remember, well-balanced meals are important.) Catch up on bills, errands, as well as household chores including laundry, dishes, etc.
3. Special comforts such as bubble baths, hot water bottles, blankets, soothing music, toys, and rocking chairs should be kept handy.
4. Plenty of crayons, pencils and paper for writing and drawing are vital for your work.
5. Child care arrangements should be made if the circumstances warrant.
6. If integration takes place in the office with your therapist, have a designated driver.
7. Have a dependable 'take care' person available should you need assistance.
8. Keep emergency numbers ready, with your therapist's hours, emergency services, and stable, close friends. Remember, it's not a sign of weakness to ask for help when doing integrations; rather, it's a sign of strength!
9. When integrating babies, pacifiers, bottles, baby food, and Depends [adult diapers] are frequently used supplies for processing.
Is it worth it? Yes! The health and wholeness I enjoy today was worth the sacrifices of therapy and pain. Now marriage is in the near future with a kind, gentle man; I delight in a beautiful and fulfilling sexual relationship. The return to college for my degree continues to be stimulating as I pursue the remaining God-given talents in the arts.
If you feel you are strapped to the seat of a roller coaster, unable to exit the journey of thrills and fright, hang on--no matter how scary the drops or demented the twists and turns, there is an end which will bring the reward of sanity, health and healing. Go for it, with a sense of adventure, and I know each integration will be another step towards ending the pain, another part of the most courageous and unforgettable journey you will ever make.
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Date: 2022-11-12 02:54 am (UTC)