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Memory Work Proper
All right, you’ve prepared. You’ve built your crisis plan, your support team is ready, your headmates are all on the same page, and you know enough about how you handle pain and stress to feel as ready as you’re going to be. But what do you do next?
Sometimes, memory work just starts of its own volition, and you don’t have to do anything. If so, (dubious) congratulations! Now it’s just a matter of riding that rodeo bull and trying not to fall off. We’d say have fun, but you won’t.
However, sometimes you’re having symptoms, want to do this, have prepared within an inch of your life… and nothing happens. Then you have to make an unpleasant choice: wait and hope it works itself out, or try to push the matter and trust that your brain won’t lie to you.
While we don’t recommend it, we chose to push the matter in 2014. We couldn’t not; solid months of nightmares, mental itching, and internal pressure was way worse than pain.
Before You Push, Get a Spotter
A spotter at the gym is there in case you take on more than you can handle. A memory work spotter follows the same principles, there to intervene should things go off the rails, possibly help you come back to yourself using gentle conversation or cuddles. (See DreamWriters’ Body Focus, Communication, and Memory for ideas.)
So. Who do you trust to see you at your most vulnerable and miserable, to keep their head and be able to differentiate between pain and crisis? Time to have a hard conversation with them and see if they’re up for it.
Ideally, another headmate should spot you; they’re often more available, and they can cart you off front or out of the relevant part of headspace, if need be. Choose someone you trust or who has the skills to do this—Sneak and Mac are usually Rogan’s spotters, because they both know him well enough to know when to intervene, and because they’re both physically strong enough to dead-lift him out of there.
Some people may choose to have someone corporeal as a spotter. We generally don’t; there isn’t really much a corporeal person can do for us, except wait and give us a hug once we finish. If you do choose someone corporeal, make sure they can be trusted to ground you and not try to guide the memory process (and yes, that goes for therapists too; this is your process, not theirs). In this state, you may be extremely vulnerable and you don’t want someone taking advantage of you.
Whoever your spotter is, there are a few things y’all should discuss beforehand. Namely:
What’s a way the spotter can check in? (For us, a simple, “you okay?” or “how you doing?” works.)
What’s a way the memory worker can respond, if they can’t speak? (Biff taps out when he’s overwhelmed, like in wrestling.)
How can the spotter recognize when intervention is needed? (“Fine! I’m great!” is a crisis phrase coming from us, as is trying to abruptly leave the space we’re in.)
What are helpful ways to intervene, and which aren’t? (When we’re in crisis, it’s important we not go outside or into unfamiliar space without supervision. However, physically grabbing us is a terrible idea and will make us wig out. An offer of a distraction usually works great: “hey, want to watch a movie with me inside?”)
Safe Space
This is both a prep measure and a way to try and give your brain a nudge. For us at least, our memories “prefer” to come up in spaces where our brain feels safe. Therefore, we can sometimes stave off a memory until we get to the safe place, or alternately, encourage one to come up by going there. Maybe you’ll even get lucky and the space itself will help things start.
So, what spaces feel safe for your brain? What about them makes them safe? Note that your brain might not go for cozy blankets or herbal tea; our brain, for instance thinks home is dangerous and prefers subway cars, cemeteries, and libraries. Its criterion for “safe” seems to be “public place where strangers won’t interfere.” (And most yanks will die before they bother a mentally ill stranger on the subway.)
When your brain gets really bad, where do you instinctively head? What spaces make you feel safe, even if they aren’t conventionally comforting? Do you know what about them help? Maybe you have a positive association there (nothing bad has ever happened to us in a library), or it gives you solitude, or it’s near someone or something you trust. Or maybe your brain just really likes graveyards for some reason.
(Note that for this exercise, you want to avoid places that are comforting through distraction. Don’t go to a loud concert; you want to tune into what’s inside you, not drown it out with externals. Also remember that memories can be overwhelming and painful, so if your crisis state is the sort of thing that gets the cops called, plan accordingly!)
If a space like this doesn’t exist (maybe you’ve just moved to a new town), you can make one. Try to figure out what your brain’s safety criteria are, and go hunting for a space that fits. When we were suddenly shoved out of state for a month, we tracked down the local library and cemetery for this purpose, and then we would visit and find our favorite places within them. Positive associations can be built in a surprisingly short time, just by exploring. (For instance, we set ourselves to hunting down the oldest tombstone in the cemetery, getting familiar with where certain people were buried, and the chronology of headstone art.)
Once you’ve found or built a space that feels safe and where you won’t bother anyone or be bothered in turn, pack yourself a couple meals and something quiet to do, grab your spotter, and just take a day to go there and see what happens. (Or, if it’s at home, just stay in.) Worse comes to worse, you’ll have a nice quiet day where nothing really happens, and you’ll have this space to turn to again when need be.
If going to this safe space makes your symptoms increase, you may indeed be on to something. But if trying this a few times still doesn’t work… well, it might be time for tougher measures.
--to be continued in Part 6!
no subject
Date: 2019-09-05 11:10 pm (UTC)You make us actually think a graveyard might be a nice place to be when you don't know the people it.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-08 04:43 pm (UTC)We were mostly thinking of it as a physical place, just because if you aren't safe corporeally, it's unlikely your brain will want to cooperate. But if that just isn't available... I dunno. You could try seeking it out internally and let us know how it works for yez?
Yeah, I dunno, we've just always found graveyards really peaceful places to be. Then again, in our area of the country, there's a lot of old-fashioned park cemeteries that aren't just a flat plain of identical plots. And also, however grim, morbid, or gross people find dead people, you can't deny that dead people are categorically far less likely to harm someone than a living one!
no subject
Date: 2019-09-10 02:41 am (UTC)I think you're right about where "most" people feel safe, it's just that for this topic, we're more interested in a subset of people who are quite different from "most" people. So I think your advice on good places to look for safe spots seems fairly spot on.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-10 03:06 am (UTC)(And also because we've also seen folks default to what the culture AROUND them says is safe or comforting, rather than what they themselves find safe or comforting. It took us a while to figure out that our intense flight response had any logic to it!)
(Also welcome to Dreamwidth, Ed!)
--Rogan