Anatomies of Desire

[lb_lee]

When I talked about sex, it was often assumed that I didn’t know about sexual abuse, that I didn’t know about violence against women, and that because I chose to celebrate a passion or to describe a passion, I was immune from the anguish of being a woman in this society. [...] My whole life’s work has been saying—along with others—that we cannot only have an anatomy of victimization. We are more than that. We must have an anatomy of desire, of celebration. We must not assume that because a woman speaks about passion she doesn’t know pain.

—Joan Nestle, “A celebration of butch-femme identities in the lesbian community,” A Persistent Desire: A Femme/Butch Reader p. 462

Rogan: Joan Nestle was talking about the power of transgressive female desire, but the quote also rings with me as a trans multiple. As there’s a push within our own ranks towards identifying with trauma, this idea that the only “respectable” way to be or become multiple is to be (preferably sexually) victimized, and as there’s a political push to see trans people’s very existence as sexually abusive to children, I have found power in shamelessly depicting my erotic desires through art.

It took years to reach this point; sexual violence is like a black hole that sucks everything into itself. Every time I write about sex, including this post, I have to delete constant digressions about the damned black hole. Mac and I had to set a rule that Multi Orgasmic would NOT discuss abuse because otherwise it would’ve been about damn near nothing else! And obviously it was a smart choice; Multi Orgasmic is my #2 ebook bestseller. People are clearly hankering for this stuff; they just don’t say so in public, mostly, because true, honest desire is scary. When you want something that badly (sexual or not), that is a vulnerable place to be in, and that vulnerability by nature is uncomfortable to witness. So we ridicule it, trying to end that vulnerability, that honesty, so we don’t have to look ourselves in the face.

If heartbreak HAS been a part of one’s multiplicity, it’s natural to go through a stage where the grief consumes everything. But like a necessary burn, it’s meant to leave a more fertile land behind, ready for new growth. Eventually, you gotta have something besides suffering to hang your sense of self on. Eventually, you need something good to fight FOR, not just something evil to fight AGAINST.

For me, that good stuff includes banging my headmates and making stuff like Multi Orgasmic. Think what it might be for you. What gives you that soul-satisfying feeling? What waters your heartflowers? What is that good thing to fight for?

What brings you to that scary place of wanting?

Comments

[wolfy_writing]

When I talked about sex, it was often assumed that I didn’t know about sexual abuse, that I didn’t know about violence against women, and that because I chose to celebrate a passion or to describe a passion, I was immune for the anguish of being a woman in this society.

I've noticed that a lot of the pro-censorship crowd still pulls that. Meanwhile, some of the people I know who are the most unapologetic about embracing sexual desire, enjoying whatever kind of consensual sex works for everyone involved, and the right to express desires and fantasies are people who've really been through it in terms of violence and abuse.

It's interesting that wanting is still such a taboo form of vulnerability. I've been thinking that some social groups twist the concept of "vulnerability" to a kind of performance, where you're expected to show things that fit into their assumptions and the roles they've cast you in. And if the role they've cast you in is Tragic, you're not supposed to desire things like experience, risks, and strong pleasures.

[lb_lee]

Rogan: BACK IN MY DAY, WE HAD TO WALK UPHILL BOTH WAYS THROUGH KNEE-DEEP SNOW TO GET OUR BONERS, DAMMIT! And we were GRATEFUL!

But in all seriousness, despite an economy that runs on creating desires and then (ostensibly) fulfilling them... true desire is threatening, because if we are truly honest with ourselves about what we want, and then take steps to SATISFY that desire without shame or harm... then we are not turning to others to tell us what it is. Because our economy is less about fulfilling our desires than CONTROLLING them in a way that serves power. Desires thus have to be squished into what is “acceptable,” even though that’s impossible. “All books can be indecent books though recent books are bolder / for filth, I’m glad to say, is in the eye of the beholder,” as Tom Lehrer said.

In a nonsexual example, think about how we treat food. What foods are treated as indulgence, as shameful; which are treated as obligations to be eaten with resentment? Food becomes morals, an elaborate performance of self-control or indulgence, rather than fuel, pleasure, or community. You can eat that marshmallow, but you gotta feel bad about doing it, by jimimy!

It’s why I think some people get so wigged out by ASMR. It’s such a weird vulnerability that it FEELS incredibly pervy, even though it’s just a lady folding towels!

[ghost_ship]

Well this explains a lot why my family is so weird about what we eat.

Back when were an us-soup, we changed up our way of eating. We used to be a picky eater. We were starting to have digestive issues, and wanted to not have those. Though I wasn't consciously aware of it at the time, I was the one driving us to eat less sweets. My main reason: I don't like overly sugary thíngs. They suck. I find overly sugary things painful and unpleasant to eat. After the holiday season we'd have what one of us called a "sugar hangover" where we'd be burnt out on sweets for a few months after. So, for a while, we just stopped having candy and baked goods.

Our mother apparently took us cutting out sweets as this as me suffering horrendously and depriving myself. This was even though I was feeling much better from both not eating things our body had sentitivies to and not eating things I didn't even like. Our mother always insists, "oh, surely a little won't hurt," when it comes to things we cut out of our regular diet, sweet or not. This happens a lot with things containing that which our body has an actual intolerance to, that causes us pain or discomfort. Meanwhile, our brother took our reduced sweet intake as an insult, despite the fact that none of us have ever commented on anyone's diet or really gave any shits about who ate what. If he wants to have snack foods, that's his business. I don't even judge my headmates for having sweets, even though I can't understand the appeal of eating something so acidic. It burns. But as long as I don't have to be in front to experience that, I don't care.

We just wanted to be able to feel okay in our body, not contantly queasy and in pain. I just wanted to give myself the choice to not eat something I didn't care for because I'm expected to. Sometimes my other headmates have things they like that line up with what my family presumes brings gustatory pleasure, and the family celebrates when my other headmates have these things. For eating vegetables, I can understand that being praised, especially in the wake of us growing up picky. But I couldn't understand why this extends to what would be considered "indulgences." I couldn't figure out this notion of us not eating what we actually didn't want at various times being regarded as somehow suffering.

Now I get it. Thanks.

-Bones

[lb_lee]

Food is such a landmine for so many people. It’s hard! Sorry you had to deal with that.

[minoanmiss]

*reads and contemplates*