Being Yourself/s On a Budget
Dec. 5th, 2024 04:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lb_leepantha asked for "a post about how to reflect your self onto the outside world when you don't have lots of money (or have far more needful things that you need to spend it on)."You and Them
So, first thing's first, and probably the most important: find out what is for you, and what is for others.
Unfortunately, a lot of the time, we cannot control how others perceive us. At times, performing with the intention to pass one way or another is unavoidable... but you can spare yourself a lot of pain and identity injury by being aware what you're doing, why you're doing it, and what is for YOU and what is for THEM.
For a while, Rogan tried very hard to pass as male, focusing on the fine details of clothing, binding, and so on. He never succeeded for very long, which caused him a lot of frustration and feelings of failure. At the root of it, he wasn't doing it for HIMSELF; he was doing it for OTHER PEOPLE, hoping that passing (and thus gaining their gender approval) would make him feel more male and thus more himself. At the end of the day, he had to be the one to give himself the gender acceptance and support that he wanted. Once he embraced himself fully, other people's misconceptions bothered him less. As a result, he is no longer bothered when other headmates wear dresses. Other people presuming him female for it aren't his problem (no matter how hard they may try to make it otherwise).
Even after figuring this out, though, Rogan feels happiest in flannel shirts and jeans. Even if it means he is read more as a lesbian to other people, they make him feel good. That is something he does for HIM, not others, and fortunately, both are comparatively easy and cheap to obtain.
Similarly, Rawlin sees gender as a human thing, and s/he isn't human. Obviously no gender performance will work for him. But wearing gloves and trunks makes her feel more comfortable, more herself. We have a pair of fingerless bike gloves and bike shorts, and she is happy wearing those, weather allowing. The gloves were discarded by a friend; the trunks came from Goodwill.
So, if you are trying to find a way to reflect your self onto the outside world, a way to BE yourself more thoroughly, ask yourself: what is most important to you? What do you do for YOU, and what do you do for THEM? It's trickier than it seems, but try to do as many things for YOU that you can, and as few things for THEM as you can get away with.
Have At Least ONE Thing You Like
Of course, the multi who gets to have separate wardrobes (or decorated corporeal rooms!) for every headmate is mostly the stuff of fantasy; most of us don't have that kind of money. But you can probably manage to have at least ONE article of clothing or ONE possession that each person likes.
For a long time, our wardrobe was the equivalent of vanilla ice cream, the inevitable result of trying to find clothes that nobody hated. With such a range of temperaments and fashion styles, only the most boring, unobjectionable clothes would get bought (unless someone took front and blitzed the thrift store before anyone could stop them, which is how Sneak ended up having more clothes on average).
Biff, of all people, was the person to throw out our old way of doing things. He rampaged through our wardrobe, pulling out every item and demanding to know if anyone LIKED the damn thing, rather than just not hating it. Despite loathing shopping, he then insisted on going so everyone had at least ONE item or outfit that they liked. (It helps that a bunch of us share tastes--Mori and Biff share a bomber jacket, for instance, and Miranda, Mac, and Sneak share dresses.)
This goes also for possessions. Everyone here has at least one object that they care deeply for. Sneak has zer tarot decks. Mori has her Lavender Menace bandanna. Gigi has her copy of American McGee's Alice (which she does not play, but that's not why she loves it). Mac and Rogan have their wedding and engagement rings. Bob, Rawlin, Mori, and Rogan all have their own individual Hack103 game profiles with different icons. They don't have to be expensive or big; they just have to be loved.
Say It In Code
Certain parts of ourselves we cannot declare or show in public. But that's where code comes in. Hanky code is great for this. One multi we knew had special headmate-specific rings they would wear; another had bracelets. Biff wears a black O-ring on our arm; the meaning is personal to him and wearing it, expressing that side of himself, gives him a sense of personal satisfaction, even if nobody else recognizes it.
Even when Rogan and Mac were still battling their way out of the closet, they refused to not wear their wedding and engagement rings. The only time they take those rings off is if we are undergoing surgery (and reportedly the first thing Rogan said upon surfacing from the top surgery anaesthesia was to demand his rings back). They are obligated to say they are single on all legal and medical documentation, but the rings, they refuse to give up.
You can also gather up media of people like you. Why do so many people have enormous porn collections? Because it's their private stash of me-ness, where their raw id is expressed safely. This doesn't have to cost money! Fanfiction will do! We print and bind our own little article compendiums of essays by disabled cyborgs, or multi horror novels posted serially on Reddit! If you get your hands on a cheap printer, a long-arm stapler, and a bone folder, you can use free software like LibreOffice to make zines out of damn near any text you find on the Internet that gives you happiness! We strongly encourage you to do just that, if you are the kind of person who just isn't happy without a tangible, physical object in your sweaty mitts. Having your own printer means you can print anything you want. Nobody else will see it. Your printer probably won't rat you out! It will never give you the stink-eye for printing something it disapproves of!
If you are truly cemented into hiding some part of who you are, make it into a computer password. "I am a GIANT FLAMING CAMELKIN!" is a great password and the log-in server will never give you shit about it. Every time you input that password, you are screaming your beautiful weird self to someone who will acknowledge it and reward you with access in return.
Change Contexts
Our high school forbade Halloween costumes. But kids still wore them, of course. We just had to be sneaky about it.
One girl in our school was huge into Gothic Lolita wear. We never saw her without her stark pancake makeup, black vinyl dresses, and giant platform heels. So how did she dress for Halloween? Like a prep. Our original girl herself traded in her geek duds for pleather pants, slicked back hair, and sunglasses--Trinity from the Matrix. Neither were caught. Only people who knew us (and our normal modes of dress) knew that we were now in costume; the strangers in authority did not.
You too can shapeshift and express yourself in a way that strangers won't clock. Go to some nightclub or a bingo night or something, a place filled with strangers, and try to express a side of yourself you usually can't. (If you really need to go somewhere for free and nothing else exists, try a church. You'd be amazed who they let in, and any town of decent size will have a variety of them, ranging from "will desperately try to invite you in for tea and cookies and chatter afterward" to "nobody will notice or bother you at all.") You will never see any of these people again. Nobody will ever know. If it's a failure, you just never go back, no harm, no foul. At worst, you might feel like you made a total fool of yourself.
This is part of the appeal of the nomad or traveling lifestyle--when nobody will see you for very long, you can be whoever you want and not worry about consistency or betraying an image. Anyone who's done the backpacker thing can probably tell you a story about the weird intimacy you can build with someone that you'll never see again; you can tell them damn near anything without fear of it biting you in the ass. (I imagine this is also the appeal of one-night stands.)
It wasn't until we were traveling through another country that we felt safe enough to try telling people we were trans. If they wigged out, it didn't matter, because we'd be gone soon! We were able to experiment with what we told people, practice the ways we told it, and it did a lot to help us build our coming out patter. We were no longer chained to an image of who people thought we were, because they didn't have one.
There are many ways to be in this world, and not all of them cost shitloads of money. Hopefully some of this gives you ideas!
For a while, Rogan tried very hard to pass as male, focusing on the fine details of clothing, binding, and so on. He never succeeded for very long, which caused him a lot of frustration and feelings of failure. At the root of it, he wasn't doing it for HIMSELF; he was doing it for OTHER PEOPLE, hoping that passing (and thus gaining their gender approval) would make him feel more male and thus more himself. At the end of the day, he had to be the one to give himself the gender acceptance and support that he wanted. Once he embraced himself fully, other people's misconceptions bothered him less. As a result, he is no longer bothered when other headmates wear dresses. Other people presuming him female for it aren't his problem (no matter how hard they may try to make it otherwise).
Even after figuring this out, though, Rogan feels happiest in flannel shirts and jeans. Even if it means he is read more as a lesbian to other people, they make him feel good. That is something he does for HIM, not others, and fortunately, both are comparatively easy and cheap to obtain.
Similarly, Rawlin sees gender as a human thing, and s/he isn't human. Obviously no gender performance will work for him. But wearing gloves and trunks makes her feel more comfortable, more herself. We have a pair of fingerless bike gloves and bike shorts, and she is happy wearing those, weather allowing. The gloves were discarded by a friend; the trunks came from Goodwill.
So, if you are trying to find a way to reflect your self onto the outside world, a way to BE yourself more thoroughly, ask yourself: what is most important to you? What do you do for YOU, and what do you do for THEM? It's trickier than it seems, but try to do as many things for YOU that you can, and as few things for THEM as you can get away with.
Have At Least ONE Thing You Like
Of course, the multi who gets to have separate wardrobes (or decorated corporeal rooms!) for every headmate is mostly the stuff of fantasy; most of us don't have that kind of money. But you can probably manage to have at least ONE article of clothing or ONE possession that each person likes.
For a long time, our wardrobe was the equivalent of vanilla ice cream, the inevitable result of trying to find clothes that nobody hated. With such a range of temperaments and fashion styles, only the most boring, unobjectionable clothes would get bought (unless someone took front and blitzed the thrift store before anyone could stop them, which is how Sneak ended up having more clothes on average).
Biff, of all people, was the person to throw out our old way of doing things. He rampaged through our wardrobe, pulling out every item and demanding to know if anyone LIKED the damn thing, rather than just not hating it. Despite loathing shopping, he then insisted on going so everyone had at least ONE item or outfit that they liked. (It helps that a bunch of us share tastes--Mori and Biff share a bomber jacket, for instance, and Miranda, Mac, and Sneak share dresses.)
This goes also for possessions. Everyone here has at least one object that they care deeply for. Sneak has zer tarot decks. Mori has her Lavender Menace bandanna. Gigi has her copy of American McGee's Alice (which she does not play, but that's not why she loves it). Mac and Rogan have their wedding and engagement rings. Bob, Rawlin, Mori, and Rogan all have their own individual Hack103 game profiles with different icons. They don't have to be expensive or big; they just have to be loved.
Say It In Code
Certain parts of ourselves we cannot declare or show in public. But that's where code comes in. Hanky code is great for this. One multi we knew had special headmate-specific rings they would wear; another had bracelets. Biff wears a black O-ring on our arm; the meaning is personal to him and wearing it, expressing that side of himself, gives him a sense of personal satisfaction, even if nobody else recognizes it.
Even when Rogan and Mac were still battling their way out of the closet, they refused to not wear their wedding and engagement rings. The only time they take those rings off is if we are undergoing surgery (and reportedly the first thing Rogan said upon surfacing from the top surgery anaesthesia was to demand his rings back). They are obligated to say they are single on all legal and medical documentation, but the rings, they refuse to give up.
You can also gather up media of people like you. Why do so many people have enormous porn collections? Because it's their private stash of me-ness, where their raw id is expressed safely. This doesn't have to cost money! Fanfiction will do! We print and bind our own little article compendiums of essays by disabled cyborgs, or multi horror novels posted serially on Reddit! If you get your hands on a cheap printer, a long-arm stapler, and a bone folder, you can use free software like LibreOffice to make zines out of damn near any text you find on the Internet that gives you happiness! We strongly encourage you to do just that, if you are the kind of person who just isn't happy without a tangible, physical object in your sweaty mitts. Having your own printer means you can print anything you want. Nobody else will see it. Your printer probably won't rat you out! It will never give you the stink-eye for printing something it disapproves of!
If you are truly cemented into hiding some part of who you are, make it into a computer password. "I am a GIANT FLAMING CAMELKIN!" is a great password and the log-in server will never give you shit about it. Every time you input that password, you are screaming your beautiful weird self to someone who will acknowledge it and reward you with access in return.
Change Contexts
Our high school forbade Halloween costumes. But kids still wore them, of course. We just had to be sneaky about it.
One girl in our school was huge into Gothic Lolita wear. We never saw her without her stark pancake makeup, black vinyl dresses, and giant platform heels. So how did she dress for Halloween? Like a prep. Our original girl herself traded in her geek duds for pleather pants, slicked back hair, and sunglasses--Trinity from the Matrix. Neither were caught. Only people who knew us (and our normal modes of dress) knew that we were now in costume; the strangers in authority did not.
You too can shapeshift and express yourself in a way that strangers won't clock. Go to some nightclub or a bingo night or something, a place filled with strangers, and try to express a side of yourself you usually can't. (If you really need to go somewhere for free and nothing else exists, try a church. You'd be amazed who they let in, and any town of decent size will have a variety of them, ranging from "will desperately try to invite you in for tea and cookies and chatter afterward" to "nobody will notice or bother you at all.") You will never see any of these people again. Nobody will ever know. If it's a failure, you just never go back, no harm, no foul. At worst, you might feel like you made a total fool of yourself.
This is part of the appeal of the nomad or traveling lifestyle--when nobody will see you for very long, you can be whoever you want and not worry about consistency or betraying an image. Anyone who's done the backpacker thing can probably tell you a story about the weird intimacy you can build with someone that you'll never see again; you can tell them damn near anything without fear of it biting you in the ass. (I imagine this is also the appeal of one-night stands.)
It wasn't until we were traveling through another country that we felt safe enough to try telling people we were trans. If they wigged out, it didn't matter, because we'd be gone soon! We were able to experiment with what we told people, practice the ways we told it, and it did a lot to help us build our coming out patter. We were no longer chained to an image of who people thought we were, because they didn't have one.
There are many ways to be in this world, and not all of them cost shitloads of money. Hopefully some of this gives you ideas!
