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Dealing with Dissociation on Trips Home
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stealthsubsystem asked us to post about how we dealt with dissociation and freak-outs returning to our hometown, so here's our tricks!We returned to our hometown a couple years ago for a photo reference trip. The trip was a last-minute surprise affair, due to a con waitlist suddenly coming up roses, so we only had a week or so of prep time. This was back when our memory work manifested as headspace ghosts, and they were all very unhappy about it. They didn't understand concepts like time, that the family house had been sold a decade prior, and that all our attackers had long since left the state. In their minds, it was still the '90s, our hometown was a pit of danger, and they wanted OUT.
Except obviously, that wasn't how it would go. We were in town for a week, whether they liked it or not. But our brain felt like an overstuffed cage of panicked rats. How to deal with that?
As unpleasant as it was having a sea of ghosts constantly chanting horror movie slogans in our head, it was still far superior to the past, where we'd just fog out, not notice or care about anything, and zombie our way through the trip.
To Space or Not to Space?
Sometimes, you have to go on autopilot. But if you're a habitual dissociative, it's worthwhile to QUESTION when it's necessary, instead of just automatically reaching for it as your go-to. You want to short-circuit the automatic part of the process; before you space out, ask yourself, "is this what I want to do? Is this how I WANT to deal with this situation?" Because once you fog out, you're unlikely to be able to make the decision effectively. If you'll pardon the drinking metaphor: before you fall off the wagon, make sure you're CHOOSING to do it, preferably for a decent reason.
This is a habit that takes a while to form. Dissociation's whole gambit is to make it so you don't notice or care about anything, so it tends to sneak up on you--because if you had to make the choice consciously, that'd require noticing and caring. So keep an eye on the signs: how can you tell when you're dissociating? Do you suddenly not notice hunger, pain, or cold? Does your mood suddenly 180 from "EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE" to "everything's fine"? Do the people around you notice your state and react with concern, or do they shamelessly take advantage of it and keep you in this state as much as possible? (There's a reason we immediately rubber stamp NO on anyone who suddenly causes our friends to dissociate. Once they numb out, they're usually unable to notice anything's wrong, and just go, "fine, this is fine," and we're like, "yeah, no, last week you were all 'I'm going to make life choices! This is what I want in my life! Here are my plans!' and now you're just this fucking robot toy going, 'Hahaha, what plans? Fine. Everything is fine. I don't have to do anything. Hahaha.'")
In our case, one of the things we noticed was that when we dissociated, we felt like we were wrapped in cotton batting. Everything seemed softer. All the sharp edges of the world seemed blunted. We actively sought out that state, because we thought it meant we were getting tougher and less sensitive, when actually, it was making everything worse. Still, it took us a while to realize that, and to learn not to go into the brain fluff. (Or at least, not to do so automatically. Sometimes we DO have to dissociate, usually involving overwhelming physical pain, or a choke point that we can not afford to show an emotional reaction for a few hours. But we try to actively rig our life to avoid the latter now.)
So, what are the signs that you're fuzzing out? When is it desirable to do so, and when is it not? If you're having trouble, write down a list of times you can remember spacing out, and then separate them out into categories of "yeah, that was the best thing to do there," and "no, I would've preferred to do X instead." (And what are those things you'd rather do instead? Walk away? Tell someone to shove it? Cry? Try to see if there are specific emotions or situations that cause you to fuzz out, even when that's not the right thing... for instance, around a certain person who needs to be out of your life, or when you're angry. The common themes might prove helpful info!)
Autopilot can help you just plug through it, but it's not desirable if you want any other outcome. If you want to be able to engage with the feelings that come up, and actually ACT, instead of just react, you have to not dissociate. You have to not go numb.
Halting a Space-Out
Once you're aware of the signs, it's easier to catch dissociation as it's creeping up, before it takes you over completely. But how to stop a space-out in progress?
There's always giving yourself a sudden sensory surprise to snap out of it. You know those little "self-care sensory kits" you see folks have sometimes? The ones that have an essential oil to sniff, or a nice texture to touch, or what have you? That's what they're for. There's a reason folks use smelling salts or icepacks to revive people who feel faint; the unpleasantness or shock of it helps wake you up. (Folks can also use self-harm for this purpose, though it's not recommended unless you really have no better option. Again, don't just reach for it automatically! Consciously CHOOSE what you're doing.)
You can also try a sensation that will insure you experience the emotion that the dissociation is trying to stifle. If you desperately need to cry but you can feel the numbness creeping in, by all means, play your favorite emo song from middle school! If you need to get angry and are having trouble, by all means, read your favorite angry punk zine! If you feel helpless and need to feel brave, watch your favorite epic battle movie. There's a reason we used to keep a reading list of "if you're dealing with X, read Y." When the fog creeps in, it's hard to make choices, so write them down and have them in plain view for the occasion. (Our tiny self-help one-pagers, like The Bad Day Book, are wallet-sized for this purpose, so we can always have them on hand.)
Headspace Components
Another way to check whether dissociation is creeping in: headspace phenomena. As dissociation increases, we lose contact with our headspace, our headmates, and even our own identity if things get bad enough. (For us, an instant-emergency sign is if asked, "who are you?" we respond, "I don't know.") Once we started tuning in and purposely checking in regularly, other things would turn up--ghosts, black ocean behavior, stuff like that.
If your dissociation has a headspace component, it's all the more important to stay tuned into it and check in regularly. If you have headspace rituals--morning meetings, daily headspace defense checks--try to keep to them religiously, and track any changes. Write them down. You'd be amazed what memories dissociation will nuke in the interest of keeping you in the "everything's fine" fog. And for the love of all that is sensible, don't just ignore it. Now is not the time to turn something important into a self-hate puppet. ("Oh, I'm just PRETENDING I have problems, my REAL problem is just that I'm a whiny little child who won't grow up!")
If one headmate is pretty resilient to dissociation and keep their heads even as you're losing yours, try having a buddy system. (Falcon is great at this... when he's around.) If your headspace or entities within it start flipping out, engage with them and try to calm them down. Even our sea of panicking ghosts could be calmed down if we stayed in constant contact with them, talking them down, promising their safety, comforting them, and draining the memories and emotions that were spurring their behavior. On the first day of the trip, they inflicted migraines, intense insomnia, muscle and stomach aches; once we realized they were the source, Rogan went and took the memory chunk back from them, and finally got some sleep, and woke up much improved.
As you might guess, this requires a lot of attention and is pretty tiring. Take this into account for your trip plans. You will not get as much done as you would like. Such is life.
If there are specific aspects of the trip that are obvious bad news (seeing your childhood home, seeing a certain person), prep for them in advance. Talk to any headspace entities that are likely to freak out, warn them, and do what you can to make it as unstressful as possible.
Using the Trip for Self-Knowledge
All this might be handy for getting through the trip in a conscious frame of mind. But if you're feeling ambitious, you can try to use all these triggers and freak-outs as handy info for the future! Such as:
- What things triggered the most intense reaction? Might be good to know, for future freak-out prep, or future memory work!
- What worked best at helping you keep your cool?
- Which people around you make things better? Worse?
- What conventional wisdom proved totally useless for you?
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*blinks* Oh, well. That makes things make a lot more sense...
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There might be other reasons, but they were the only ones we ever used.
--Mori
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Sure, go for it!
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It's okay. For us, we can usually read super-dark stuff, we just need to be WARNED. It's the SURPRISE that we really don't like, not the content itself.
--Mori
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I've been helping the Stealth with this stuff, being in the same body with them heh. Your words of wisdom by every very very very helpful. Thank you for posting this.
Damon
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--Mori
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Mandy
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