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System Governments and Other Order-Keepers (LONG post)
When people talk about system governments, rules, or contracts, they sometimes will say how important they are, but they rarely go into detail what they actually MEAN. Sometimes you see boilerplate "we promise to uphold the system's group needs" but they're super-vague and unclear. ATW's got parts? goes more into the nuts and bolts; we'll be quoting from that book a good bit, but also adding our own ideas, since we don't agree with everything it says.
Whichever you use in whatever combination, order-keeping devices like rules and contracts are not for when things are going well. They're for when things go wrong. No matter how well your system gets along, no matter how well-intentioned everyone is, you WILL forget things or have conflict. For example...
A lot of systems might never think about these questions. We certainly didn't! For a long time, we coasted along, staying committed to our singlet persona and crushing or ignoring anyone who interfered with that. We didn't think what we were doing was harmful--indeed, we saw it as a commitment to sanity, to staying healthy at all costs. But the reality was, we weren't actually committed to being healthy; we were committed to appearing healthy. That's the purpose of a spin machine, not a system government.
A system government should serve everyone in the system. It should not be a matter of the system member's popularity, outspokenness, or decency. Basic rights, like the right to exist, speak, or have possessions, should not be removed just because it's convenient. But so many multiples do! And like us, they probably don't even think about it at all, never mind that it's unethical.
So first of all, think about what you're doing. Who exactly is it serving? What is its purpose? Is it DOING good, or just LOOKING good? Before you build something new, it might be worthwhile to take a long hard look at what you already have, and decide what's helped and what hasn't.
Done that? Good! Let's work on building things up, going from the more simple to the complex.
Headspace Design as Order-Keeping
In got parts?, ATW talks about headspace as an extension of will. They call it the "Safe Space" or "Dome": "Everyone's mind(s) working together creates your own Dome/Safe Space inside. Using the creative power of your imaginations, you invent this actual place inside of you. Although others will not be able to see your Dome, it is real nonetheless." (pg. 15) We would also add that your actions within that space have moral weight and consequences, even if nobody corporeal ever knows about it.
ATW uses the idea that through the creation powers of the whole system, the headspace can be made safe as a sort of system commitment given substance. This is something we used ourself when we built our house out of the Void; every system member who has come later has helped renovate it in some way, adding their own personality and commitment to it, even if they lack the abilities to actually build the architecture itself. The space is built to make everyone comfortable and have open common areas for everyone to talk and meet in. It assisted our internal communication and helped enforce order.
ATW enforces togetherness, rather than separation: "Walls, doors, curtains, fences--anything that can keep you-all from seeing or interacting with each other feeds isolation and separateness--which are either old, dysfunctional patterns or are outmoded safety mechanisms arising out of past experiences. In either case, they will likely create problems down the road, if not now. It's wise to adjust or correct things before they create more difficulties." (pg. 16) This might be true for some systems, not so much for ours. Our house has common areas for everyone to meet in, but everyone has their own private room and space. Sometimes it's meant backrunners don't come out for long stretches; we're trying to fix that. (EDIT 10/24/2018: The daily meetings have helped this a lot. Even if backrunners hide in the back, at least they show up in the meeting and know what's going on and toss in their two cents as needed.)
We also disagree with ATW on the idea of the headspace being completely safe. They insist, "The Dome/Safe Space is already safe because that is how you-all created it, and because you-all are working to maintain its integrity and safety" and that "it is vitally important your Dome (Safe Space) have safety features in place to keep out Dark or negative forces from the outside." (pg. 16) In our experience, dark or negative is not the same as evil, and while our headspace may be SAFE, that doesn't necessarily mean it is pleasant, easy, or convenient.
Part of this might be the nature of our headspace; this place is full of ghosts, who're the most stereotypically "dark and negative" entities imaginable, but they also perform valuable services, and we feel our house's job is to at best regulate their entry, not prevent it. (Besides, they'll get in anyway.) Their acts of violence are born of desperation and agony, not malice, and scapegoating them doesn't serve us as a whole. Simply barring them entry won't solve the problems they represent, and we have to find alternate methods to keep them from attacking others.
That said, we did need to block them out for the first few years so we could build a stable system government and routines before tackling them. You very well might have to do the same thing, if you have a similar situation.
Daily System Meetings and Journals
In got parts?, ATW suggests having a daily meeting where all system members get together and talk." "Everyone must attend, and everyone is allowed and encouraged to have a voice at these meetings. [...] It can be a time to check in and see how everyone is doing. Make sure everyone inside feels welcome, and feels free to share whatever is on their mind. The daily meeting is a time to talk about what is happening inside and in the outside world. The daily meeting can be a good time to check and make sure the Dome/Safe Space is clean and clear of intrusions and negativity, and all known parts [system members] are all present and accounted for. Be sure to talk about upcoming events, work or school schedules, appointments, etc. Make sure everyone is aware of what is going on and what needs to happen when. This can help to keep the chaos and confusion down. If there are ideas, or if there are needs, concerns, problems or questions, now is a good opportunity to voice them and talk about them. Together, you can work to come up with answers or a plan of action." (pg. 22)
We aren't the best at this, but are making a concerted effort to have our daily meetings at breakfast. It'll keep our backrunners involved, and help maintain clarity. (EDIT 7/4/2018: We've made this a habit and it's pretty great, and a good solution for our "backrunners never come out" concerns. Plus it minimizes scheduling conflicts because we discuss our desires and hopes beforehand!)
Journals are hugely important, especially when in-system communication and trust are still being built. We color-code ours, so everybody has their own color they write in, making it easy to know who said what. We no longer feel the need to actively write every important conversation down, but we used to do it a lot, and it helped to have something to refer back to. More web-savvy folks could probably use their phone or something for a similar purpose; one system we know has digital documents serving the same purpose as our paper journals.
We highly agree with ATW's statement, "Also be sure to talk about successes, about good things that are happening, and about things that are going right. It's important to counter-balance what is difficult, painful, frightening, or upsetting with lightness and positiveness and accomplishment." (pg. 22) Sometimes, it's easy to get bogged down in all the challenges. Give room for the happiness too!
Contracts
According to ATW, "A contract is a written agreement about a behavior which either needs to happen or must not happen. Contracts need to be specific and detailed, need to have no loop-holes, need to have a time frame for the contracted behavior (it could be an ongoing contract with no expiring date), and the contracts need to be signed by everyone in the System. Depending on the individual System, it may be helpful to list consequences for parts who make the choice to break contracts, and have the rest of the System enforce these consequences." (pg. 27)
Okay, we can't really lie, we don't really use the contracts that ATW recommend. The closest we ever have come are the following system agreements: we must maintain our meal plan (for Rogan and Mori's sake), Biff must not drink (or be around when others are), and no corporeal sex or dating. At most, we vote on them, come to unanimous agreement, and write them into our system rules.
We generally don't like the contract idea because it makes us feel oppositional, and a global "thou shalt not" may not solve the problems our self-destructive habits originally helped mediate. Rogan and Mori starved because it helped keep them emotionally numb and functional; Biff drank for a similar purpose. For us, initiating a contract without substituting new coping skills is doomed to failure. There's a reason all those habits required years to get a handle on! They all served a purpose at one point, and giving up those habits required huge life changes.
They might work for y'all though!
(EDIT 9/25/2023: Sandra J. Hocking and Company's MPD self-help book, Living With Your Selves, is big on contracts, and honestly, we're thinking of giving them a shot with our headmate Rawlin at some point in the future. Here's one that Hocking and "a support group for multiples I attended briefly" came up with that we're thinking of adapting (pg. 52-55):
CONTRACT FOR SURVIVAL
To cover the period of ______ to ______
I/We_________________ agree not to knowingly or intentionally cause serious or fatal bodily harm or injury, including those actions which could result therein (i.e. overdose, reckless driving, etc.) to this physical, mental, emotional or spiritual body.
I/We will not knowingly kill, physically mentally, emotionally or spiritually, ourselves or any other person or personalitiy.
As protectors, we the undersigned, to the best of our ability, agree to intervene on behalf of our other persons or personalities who may be unable or unwilling to do so, by calling and actually reaching and connecting with the support members listed on this form.
When I call a support person, I will state that I am ca ling [sic] because of the contract and we will honestly address and discuss the emotions and events that led to crisis and the possible solutions and safety measures to be taken. We will continue to pursue all phone numbers, including repetitions, until the crisis is resolved.
In the event of breaking or attempting to break this contract, professional intervention may be contacted and requested.
Anyone who has reservations about signing this contract must voice them now or you are bound by this contract for the duration of the contract period.
This contract is valid past the end date until a new contract has been negotiated or all support members of the previously agreed upon contract have been contacted and agree that relinquishment of this contract is in the best interests of the contractee.
_____________________
Signature of Host Personality
_____________________
Signatures of those who agree to intervene on behalf of the host and others in the system:
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
I object to the signing of this contract. I will discuss my reasons here:
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
These are the persons/agencies I agree to call:
Name and Phone Number
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
I, the undersigned support person(s) agree to provide emotional or physical support to the contractee within the terms of this contract. I understand the contractee may contact me any time of the day or night.
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
Hocking immediately follows with, "Now, that's a binding contract! The group spent hours on it, and I think it's a good one. Just remember that contracting is only as good as you all make it. The better you communicate, the better you can contract, and the better your life will be." (55))
System Government
Sometimes I think people get intimidated by the idea of a system government. But its purpose is simple: it gives people a way to make the rules, change the rules, and enforce what happens when you break the rules. Depending on the system, this can be as simple as an informal agreement or as complicated as the British Parliament.
What government you choose depends a lot on you. How big is your system? Is your internal population in flux? How many people front regularly? How much do you know and trust each other? For instance, we're a small system, have a very slow rate of change, and we've built a high level of trust and goodwill. Because of that, we're able to run on a government where no major changes can be made without unanimous agreement; any one member can filibuster us into inaction, because we trust that nobody will abuse that privilege. We operate more like a family or household than a country.
Some systems run themselves like Enron, or a post-apocalyptic dystopia. We have a whole other post in the works about THAT particular phenomenon, but ATW sums it up best: "You are a team, and need to work together and help each other. Together you-all are strong. When you are quarreling or not working together it makes everyone weaker, and makes things harder than they would be otherwise; if you are tackling things separately, you may find you are working at cross-purposes and taking more time to achieve some of the same results." (pg. 23)
Your actions have consequences, both inside and outside the system. If you're going to do something that would get you jail time in the corporeal world, you better be ready for what happens if you try that internally. If you kill a problem system member, are you ready for them to resurrect even angrier, shatter into multiple system members or integrate into others, all of whom might share the same problem characteristics? If you lock a system member up, what are you going to do if they break out and feel vengeful? If you simply must conduct yourself like an edgelord, at least be smart about it, and at least be honest that this is something you are choosing to do.
Rules
Our system rules get divided between external and internal life. (We have them listed with our system government here.) A lot of systems seem to have external rules--"don't kill the vessel," "pay the bills," stuff like that. We don't see people talk about internal rules so much, but they're also imperative. We have rules like, "no non-consensual violence against any system members," "daily system meetings are mandatory to attend," stuff like that.
Our rules get made most when they're things under debate. We haven't really had to formalize rules like "don't kill the vessel" because we've never had anyone fight that rule. Meanwhile, there's a proliferation of rules regarding when to end relationships, because we've CONSTANTLY had issues of, "Well, okay, but what about if...?"
And yes, for the love of god, write your rules down. You WILL forget them otherwise, or argue about them. Edit and overhaul as you like (ours have been edited and updated multiple times), but WRITE. THEM. DOWN. That way, there's no wiggle room, no ambiguity, no he-said-she-said. Humanity invented writing for a reason.
If someone is breaking rules right and left, why? Do they feel they have no voice under the current government? Are they purposely trying to burn everything down so things will go back to the way things used to be? Are they acting in some twisted idea of "protection"? For instance, Gigi spent a chunk of our college years terrorizing the rest of the system, sedating people and threatening murder because she thought it'd make us "stop pretending" and go back to being singlet, which to her meant survival, sanity, and health. In her own batshit way, she thought she was serving us, and locking her up wouldn't have solved the problem. We had to deal with her underlying issues before she could become a system member in good standing.
ATW talks about "lockdown" as a way to deal with problem system members--either love-bombing a system member into compliance or restraining them in a sort of headspace jail where they can't be seen, heard, or do any more damage. We do not use either, in part because we've never had a system member who couldn't be rehabilitated in a more traditional fashion. At most, we've bound ghosts for a few days because they kept attacking us in the middle of the night and we desperately needed to sleep. Binding does not hurt them, only contains them, and they don't even seem to be aware of it happening, but it's still something we use only as a last resort. We don't like doing it; it only delays problems, not solves them, for us anyway.
(Post-script 9/9/2021: Well, we've had experience with a more aggressive headmate now, and it only reaffirms our feelings on the prior paragraph. Rawlin spent roughly twenty years bound, to the point where his existence was completely forgotten, and it did not improve his behavior one bit. Love-bombing him wouldn't have done any good either. We attempted to integrate him into our system government and failed; he kept sexually harassing us and raging out. So we kicked him out of our portion of headspace and gave him the rest of it to roam. It's not a solution any of us really feel great about, but it's not infringing on his rights to exist, nor is it putting us at risk. One day, we will figure out what his deal is!)
Whichever you use in whatever combination, order-keeping devices like rules and contracts are not for when things are going well. They're for when things go wrong. No matter how well your system gets along, no matter how well-intentioned everyone is, you WILL forget things or have conflict. For example...
- Your corporeal spouse hates a system member, or vice versa. What do you do?
- Your system needs to make an important decision quickly, and everyone is deadlocked. What do you do?
- A frontrunner you relied on for work or school keels over. Now what?
- You must choose between an internal life thing and an external life thing. You can not do both. What do you do?
- One of your system members says someone else is abusing them. What do you do?
- You have dealt with one of these situations, and it reappears. But when you deal with it again, a system member says, "Wait, that's not fair, the last time we did this, we did X..." How do you deal with it?
- Somebody breaks the rules. Now what?
A lot of systems might never think about these questions. We certainly didn't! For a long time, we coasted along, staying committed to our singlet persona and crushing or ignoring anyone who interfered with that. We didn't think what we were doing was harmful--indeed, we saw it as a commitment to sanity, to staying healthy at all costs. But the reality was, we weren't actually committed to being healthy; we were committed to appearing healthy. That's the purpose of a spin machine, not a system government.
A system government should serve everyone in the system. It should not be a matter of the system member's popularity, outspokenness, or decency. Basic rights, like the right to exist, speak, or have possessions, should not be removed just because it's convenient. But so many multiples do! And like us, they probably don't even think about it at all, never mind that it's unethical.
So first of all, think about what you're doing. Who exactly is it serving? What is its purpose? Is it DOING good, or just LOOKING good? Before you build something new, it might be worthwhile to take a long hard look at what you already have, and decide what's helped and what hasn't.
Done that? Good! Let's work on building things up, going from the more simple to the complex.
Headspace Design as Order-Keeping
In got parts?, ATW talks about headspace as an extension of will. They call it the "Safe Space" or "Dome": "Everyone's mind(s) working together creates your own Dome/Safe Space inside. Using the creative power of your imaginations, you invent this actual place inside of you. Although others will not be able to see your Dome, it is real nonetheless." (pg. 15) We would also add that your actions within that space have moral weight and consequences, even if nobody corporeal ever knows about it.
ATW uses the idea that through the creation powers of the whole system, the headspace can be made safe as a sort of system commitment given substance. This is something we used ourself when we built our house out of the Void; every system member who has come later has helped renovate it in some way, adding their own personality and commitment to it, even if they lack the abilities to actually build the architecture itself. The space is built to make everyone comfortable and have open common areas for everyone to talk and meet in. It assisted our internal communication and helped enforce order.
ATW enforces togetherness, rather than separation: "Walls, doors, curtains, fences--anything that can keep you-all from seeing or interacting with each other feeds isolation and separateness--which are either old, dysfunctional patterns or are outmoded safety mechanisms arising out of past experiences. In either case, they will likely create problems down the road, if not now. It's wise to adjust or correct things before they create more difficulties." (pg. 16) This might be true for some systems, not so much for ours. Our house has common areas for everyone to meet in, but everyone has their own private room and space. Sometimes it's meant backrunners don't come out for long stretches; we're trying to fix that. (EDIT 10/24/2018: The daily meetings have helped this a lot. Even if backrunners hide in the back, at least they show up in the meeting and know what's going on and toss in their two cents as needed.)
We also disagree with ATW on the idea of the headspace being completely safe. They insist, "The Dome/Safe Space is already safe because that is how you-all created it, and because you-all are working to maintain its integrity and safety" and that "it is vitally important your Dome (Safe Space) have safety features in place to keep out Dark or negative forces from the outside." (pg. 16) In our experience, dark or negative is not the same as evil, and while our headspace may be SAFE, that doesn't necessarily mean it is pleasant, easy, or convenient.
Part of this might be the nature of our headspace; this place is full of ghosts, who're the most stereotypically "dark and negative" entities imaginable, but they also perform valuable services, and we feel our house's job is to at best regulate their entry, not prevent it. (Besides, they'll get in anyway.) Their acts of violence are born of desperation and agony, not malice, and scapegoating them doesn't serve us as a whole. Simply barring them entry won't solve the problems they represent, and we have to find alternate methods to keep them from attacking others.
That said, we did need to block them out for the first few years so we could build a stable system government and routines before tackling them. You very well might have to do the same thing, if you have a similar situation.
Daily System Meetings and Journals
In got parts?, ATW suggests having a daily meeting where all system members get together and talk." "Everyone must attend, and everyone is allowed and encouraged to have a voice at these meetings. [...] It can be a time to check in and see how everyone is doing. Make sure everyone inside feels welcome, and feels free to share whatever is on their mind. The daily meeting is a time to talk about what is happening inside and in the outside world. The daily meeting can be a good time to check and make sure the Dome/Safe Space is clean and clear of intrusions and negativity, and all known parts [system members] are all present and accounted for. Be sure to talk about upcoming events, work or school schedules, appointments, etc. Make sure everyone is aware of what is going on and what needs to happen when. This can help to keep the chaos and confusion down. If there are ideas, or if there are needs, concerns, problems or questions, now is a good opportunity to voice them and talk about them. Together, you can work to come up with answers or a plan of action." (pg. 22)
We aren't the best at this, but are making a concerted effort to have our daily meetings at breakfast. It'll keep our backrunners involved, and help maintain clarity. (EDIT 7/4/2018: We've made this a habit and it's pretty great, and a good solution for our "backrunners never come out" concerns. Plus it minimizes scheduling conflicts because we discuss our desires and hopes beforehand!)
Journals are hugely important, especially when in-system communication and trust are still being built. We color-code ours, so everybody has their own color they write in, making it easy to know who said what. We no longer feel the need to actively write every important conversation down, but we used to do it a lot, and it helped to have something to refer back to. More web-savvy folks could probably use their phone or something for a similar purpose; one system we know has digital documents serving the same purpose as our paper journals.
We highly agree with ATW's statement, "Also be sure to talk about successes, about good things that are happening, and about things that are going right. It's important to counter-balance what is difficult, painful, frightening, or upsetting with lightness and positiveness and accomplishment." (pg. 22) Sometimes, it's easy to get bogged down in all the challenges. Give room for the happiness too!
Contracts
According to ATW, "A contract is a written agreement about a behavior which either needs to happen or must not happen. Contracts need to be specific and detailed, need to have no loop-holes, need to have a time frame for the contracted behavior (it could be an ongoing contract with no expiring date), and the contracts need to be signed by everyone in the System. Depending on the individual System, it may be helpful to list consequences for parts who make the choice to break contracts, and have the rest of the System enforce these consequences." (pg. 27)
Okay, we can't really lie, we don't really use the contracts that ATW recommend. The closest we ever have come are the following system agreements: we must maintain our meal plan (for Rogan and Mori's sake), Biff must not drink (or be around when others are), and no corporeal sex or dating. At most, we vote on them, come to unanimous agreement, and write them into our system rules.
We generally don't like the contract idea because it makes us feel oppositional, and a global "thou shalt not" may not solve the problems our self-destructive habits originally helped mediate. Rogan and Mori starved because it helped keep them emotionally numb and functional; Biff drank for a similar purpose. For us, initiating a contract without substituting new coping skills is doomed to failure. There's a reason all those habits required years to get a handle on! They all served a purpose at one point, and giving up those habits required huge life changes.
They might work for y'all though!
(EDIT 9/25/2023: Sandra J. Hocking and Company's MPD self-help book, Living With Your Selves, is big on contracts, and honestly, we're thinking of giving them a shot with our headmate Rawlin at some point in the future. Here's one that Hocking and "a support group for multiples I attended briefly" came up with that we're thinking of adapting (pg. 52-55):
CONTRACT FOR SURVIVAL
To cover the period of ______ to ______
I/We_________________ agree not to knowingly or intentionally cause serious or fatal bodily harm or injury, including those actions which could result therein (i.e. overdose, reckless driving, etc.) to this physical, mental, emotional or spiritual body.
I/We will not knowingly kill, physically mentally, emotionally or spiritually, ourselves or any other person or personalitiy.
As protectors, we the undersigned, to the best of our ability, agree to intervene on behalf of our other persons or personalities who may be unable or unwilling to do so, by calling and actually reaching and connecting with the support members listed on this form.
When I call a support person, I will state that I am ca ling [sic] because of the contract and we will honestly address and discuss the emotions and events that led to crisis and the possible solutions and safety measures to be taken. We will continue to pursue all phone numbers, including repetitions, until the crisis is resolved.
In the event of breaking or attempting to break this contract, professional intervention may be contacted and requested.
Anyone who has reservations about signing this contract must voice them now or you are bound by this contract for the duration of the contract period.
This contract is valid past the end date until a new contract has been negotiated or all support members of the previously agreed upon contract have been contacted and agree that relinquishment of this contract is in the best interests of the contractee.
_____________________
Signature of Host Personality
_____________________
Signatures of those who agree to intervene on behalf of the host and others in the system:
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
I object to the signing of this contract. I will discuss my reasons here:
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
These are the persons/agencies I agree to call:
Name and Phone Number
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
I, the undersigned support person(s) agree to provide emotional or physical support to the contractee within the terms of this contract. I understand the contractee may contact me any time of the day or night.
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
Hocking immediately follows with, "Now, that's a binding contract! The group spent hours on it, and I think it's a good one. Just remember that contracting is only as good as you all make it. The better you communicate, the better you can contract, and the better your life will be." (55))
System Government
Sometimes I think people get intimidated by the idea of a system government. But its purpose is simple: it gives people a way to make the rules, change the rules, and enforce what happens when you break the rules. Depending on the system, this can be as simple as an informal agreement or as complicated as the British Parliament.
What government you choose depends a lot on you. How big is your system? Is your internal population in flux? How many people front regularly? How much do you know and trust each other? For instance, we're a small system, have a very slow rate of change, and we've built a high level of trust and goodwill. Because of that, we're able to run on a government where no major changes can be made without unanimous agreement; any one member can filibuster us into inaction, because we trust that nobody will abuse that privilege. We operate more like a family or household than a country.
Some systems run themselves like Enron, or a post-apocalyptic dystopia. We have a whole other post in the works about THAT particular phenomenon, but ATW sums it up best: "You are a team, and need to work together and help each other. Together you-all are strong. When you are quarreling or not working together it makes everyone weaker, and makes things harder than they would be otherwise; if you are tackling things separately, you may find you are working at cross-purposes and taking more time to achieve some of the same results." (pg. 23)
Your actions have consequences, both inside and outside the system. If you're going to do something that would get you jail time in the corporeal world, you better be ready for what happens if you try that internally. If you kill a problem system member, are you ready for them to resurrect even angrier, shatter into multiple system members or integrate into others, all of whom might share the same problem characteristics? If you lock a system member up, what are you going to do if they break out and feel vengeful? If you simply must conduct yourself like an edgelord, at least be smart about it, and at least be honest that this is something you are choosing to do.
Rules
Our system rules get divided between external and internal life. (We have them listed with our system government here.) A lot of systems seem to have external rules--"don't kill the vessel," "pay the bills," stuff like that. We don't see people talk about internal rules so much, but they're also imperative. We have rules like, "no non-consensual violence against any system members," "daily system meetings are mandatory to attend," stuff like that.
Our rules get made most when they're things under debate. We haven't really had to formalize rules like "don't kill the vessel" because we've never had anyone fight that rule. Meanwhile, there's a proliferation of rules regarding when to end relationships, because we've CONSTANTLY had issues of, "Well, okay, but what about if...?"
And yes, for the love of god, write your rules down. You WILL forget them otherwise, or argue about them. Edit and overhaul as you like (ours have been edited and updated multiple times), but WRITE. THEM. DOWN. That way, there's no wiggle room, no ambiguity, no he-said-she-said. Humanity invented writing for a reason.
If someone is breaking rules right and left, why? Do they feel they have no voice under the current government? Are they purposely trying to burn everything down so things will go back to the way things used to be? Are they acting in some twisted idea of "protection"? For instance, Gigi spent a chunk of our college years terrorizing the rest of the system, sedating people and threatening murder because she thought it'd make us "stop pretending" and go back to being singlet, which to her meant survival, sanity, and health. In her own batshit way, she thought she was serving us, and locking her up wouldn't have solved the problem. We had to deal with her underlying issues before she could become a system member in good standing.
ATW talks about "lockdown" as a way to deal with problem system members--either love-bombing a system member into compliance or restraining them in a sort of headspace jail where they can't be seen, heard, or do any more damage. We do not use either, in part because we've never had a system member who couldn't be rehabilitated in a more traditional fashion. At most, we've bound ghosts for a few days because they kept attacking us in the middle of the night and we desperately needed to sleep. Binding does not hurt them, only contains them, and they don't even seem to be aware of it happening, but it's still something we use only as a last resort. We don't like doing it; it only delays problems, not solves them, for us anyway.
(Post-script 9/9/2021: Well, we've had experience with a more aggressive headmate now, and it only reaffirms our feelings on the prior paragraph. Rawlin spent roughly twenty years bound, to the point where his existence was completely forgotten, and it did not improve his behavior one bit. Love-bombing him wouldn't have done any good either. We attempted to integrate him into our system government and failed; he kept sexually harassing us and raging out. So we kicked him out of our portion of headspace and gave him the rest of it to roam. It's not a solution any of us really feel great about, but it's not infringing on his rights to exist, nor is it putting us at risk. One day, we will figure out what his deal is!)
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I think with larger systems it's harder not to run it like a country or a particularly large club just because there's so many people to keep track of.
Good post though! You always manage to make stuff like this really enjoyable to read.
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--Mori
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We *REALLY* need to work on system government. As it stands, we're a giant gateway system, and trying to get everybody who fronts into one place at one time would take a football stadium or something. :/
Usually decisions are made by the person who happens to be at the front, which has worked usually pretty well for us, because we don't generally have people who'd abuse this privilege, but still we do need to work on this stuff a lot.
-Us
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--Mori
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--Mori
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There's aready been a few timesw where a lot of the key decision makers've ben busy and no one's around, so we really need something in place for that shit.
-Fallon~
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Mel, being a politician, has written a ton of documents on system governance that have evolved a fair bit over the years, each with a unique purpose. We have a code of ethics on top of our written rules, basically, the rules draw lines in the sand and state boundaries of what's expected of everyone in system (ex. no fighting, no clinging to toxic people, no leaving others in the body to deal with your hangovers or w/e, etc), while the CoE informs everyone of what their rights are. "You have the right to privacy/Being treated as a person/Being listened to by everyone else/Etc".
We never did like ATW's conceptualization of contracts, so Mel kinda put his own spin on things there. Instead of using the contract as a universal thou shalt/shalt not regarding behaviour, the contract itself restates the existing rules and code of ethics stuff and puts it all into perspective of how it should ideally function in our daily lives. So it works as a Thing to have newbies read through and physically sign so they know exactly what they're getting into by being here, and ensures they'll be... at least minimally surprised by how system life operates. An I've read and agree to the terms and conditions kinda thing.
So that's... three? Written documents we have? The full set of documents can look intimidating at first, but for the most part, beyond asserting boundaries and expectations to new system mates (or reminding older system mates when they act out of line), the rules play a pretty quiet part in our lives. Which I guess is a good thing, all things considered.
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Never did write up the official Rules so much as just come to verbal agreement. Fortunately we're a little system of five and discussion has been enough to be all on the same or similar pages with life goals, money use, things like that. The idea of writing up anything official freaks me out, honestly. It feels like a school assignment I don't understand.
Maybe it's time to recruit, uh, everyone but me to do one BEFORE we hit a major conflict.
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And even if everyone was well-intentioned and liked each other, things could go horribly wrong. For instance, a common slip-up: say you're drawing a comic, your friend is writing it, and y'all decide to split the earnings 50/50. Simple enough, right?
But what exactly does that mean? Say your friend goes to a con alone and sells a bunch of the books. Do you get half the earnings before or after expenses? (The cost of the table, the printing, advertising, etc.) What if you're tabling too, does that change things? Do you have to share in the expenses?
These are the fights that will destroy even the best friendship, because you have different ideas of "50/50." And this is why you write shit down, to hammer down those little nitty gritty things BEFORE they become problems. Because if you never need the contract, awesome! But if you do, it will save your hide.
We started writing out the rules in part because we realized we were making the same mistakes over and over again. We would forget the rules we made about, say, our meal plan, and keep claiming they were irrelevant or not necessary anymore.
Also, sometimes it's way easier to think rules are reasonable when you don't have them written down. Rogan had almost taken over all front life, even though it wasn't good for him, because in his head, the responsibilities weren't very big. Once we wrote them out, though...
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butting in here for the person who usually talks because lol that last one is exactly what hes doing
"i do all the work!!! i do all the chores!!! ill go shopping for you! ill earn the money and then spend it on what everyone else wants! then i give all the free time to everyone else too so i do nothing but work, but OF COURSE NOT ITS ALL FINE I TOTALLY DO THINGS BESIDES WORK SEE I UH... played a game... last week... TOTALLY MAKES UP FOR IT!!!!"
like im trying to at least pry our job away from him (i know im lazy typing but seriously i come across like a regular adult in real life lol i can work a restaurant job) but its haaaard ugh he wont stop trying to do everything for everybody
basically we have no rules because the rules are he talks to everybody else about what they want and does it for them like some benevolent dictator working himself into the ground. like hes all yelling at me about NO I DONT ITS NOT LIKE THAT but it totally is lol, like maybe youd learn to unfront like everybody else if you stopped your dictator iron grip on BUT EVERYTHING IS MY RESPONSIBILITY YOU SHOULDNT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT WEHHH
so yeah thanks for bringing this up because its time for THE RULES like rule one sit down and stop doing everything youre not a desperate single parent of a bunch of adults
Thank you!
Re: Thank you!
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-Simon
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-Simon
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