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The Contact Hypothesis
While reading a book about kindness and humanity, I came across something called the contact hypothesis, the idea that prejudice gets lowered via contact with the people you're biased against. (There are provisos and such--you have to ACTUALLY get to know them, if you're just in their vicinity but they remain unknown, that can make prejudice go UP, stuff like that.)
And honestly, that's something I've noticed with multi stuff. I've had a lot of success at people changing their opinions about multis, just by existing at them.
And honestly, that's something I've noticed with multi stuff. I've had a lot of success at people changing their opinions about multis, just by existing at them.
Many people have never knowingly met a multi. Often, their ideas of what a multi is are vague, confused, "Jekyll and Hyde??? Axe murderer??? Scary weird people I don't know the etiquette of???" Even well-meaning people can go to Social Anxiety Hell where they recognize this probably isn't true... but they don't know what IS true, or even what terms to Google to shift their ignorance, and they get so knotted up about saying the wrong thing or being hurtful that they just shut down and flee in terror (all the while being like "oh god I am being rude running away").
I quickly discovered that carrying my comics around with me could smooth these Social Anxiety Hell interactions. When that panicked look came into their eyes, we'd hand them a short little comic to read at their leisure in some quiet corner, and they'd just completely calm down. There was no longer a time pressure to Say The Right Thing Right Away. They had a socially acceptable thing to do that required little effort and didn't feel scary. (NOBODY looks at a 16-page floppy comic and has flashbacks to awful school reading.) They had a safe, easy way to shift their own ignorance, and because I was offering it to them, they didn't feel so much like they were imposing on me or taking up my time and energy. They didn't even have to worry they'd get a bad source! I was the authority on myself, after all! Online, it was similar procedure, just linking my website instead of handing them a comic.
Some people have a bad history with multis--an abusive multi ex, a cult leader who snatched them or their friend, whatever. They may have a truly hard time being in my presence, because there are so few multis in their life that it's hard to overcome the bad associations of That One Crew. That's their problem, not mine. I don't have to let it bother me, or take it personally. It's hard to overcome that kind of bad history! I dare say EVERYONE has some kind of person they have baggage around! (I do!) Often times, the person with that baggage KNOWS that it's not fair to tar everyone with the same brush, and they're trying not to! In that situation, it's better to just let them work it out at their own pace. I would rather someone be honest to me about that ("hey, I had a bad experience, I have a hard time being around multis, sorry,") than try to force themselves to be around me even when it's excruciating for them. (Obviously, this doesn't apply to things totally unavoidable. But most things are.)
Truly nasty people are a minority, and they're rarely subtle in that nastiness. Most people are simply ignorant. I have a general rule of carte blanche the first couple times someone meets me, because often, the only way to shift their ignorance is to answer a few rude, awkwardly worded, or simply "heard a million times" questions. (I truly don't mind the millionth-time questions. It means I have easy answers!) I still introduce myself to most strangers as "having multiple personalities," just because damn near everyone has an idea, however rough, of what that means. Meanwhile, "Dissociative Identity Disorder" has decent odds of a baffled but polite smile-and-nod response, which leaves nowhere to move forward. (And if they get snotty and say, "MPD's not the correct diagnosis anymore, you know," well then, that opens a conversation on the evolution of the diagnosis!)
Sometimes, someone is truly determined to make their shit My Problem, but often, the worst that happens is I feel a little bad and walk away. Then I go do something fun and forget them. I have zero desire to lock myself into a tiny armored coffin box for that tiny minority of jerks. (Also, in my experience, it doesn't work. See: why I had to move last time.) Often times, someone's BS doesn't have to be my problem! Say whatever you want about me, as long as you do it behind my back, where I don't have to see it! (And conversely, if you see someone trashing me, please don't tell me unless it's being something that I need to take real action over. I don't need to know Rando2589 hates my guts and claims I am a RA apologist*! I don't care! Why are their feelings/opinions/lies my problem?)
There are a lot of people over the years who've told me that just having me exist around them in a normal context helped make them cool (or at least cooler) with multis. Just watching me do boring human things like eat a sandwich, be at a house party or a work gathering, helped make multi just a normal part of their life. And the more people who feel it's normal, the more virtuous the cycle becomes; if someone goes, "Hey, that LB... what's their deal?" someone else can go, "Oh, they're multi. They have a website, here," sparing me the effort. The more people know me and see me as a normal part of life, the less likely they are to tolerate someone being a jerk to me. A lot of people act like jerks because they think they can get away with it, or that everyone secretly agrees with them. They lose a lot of momentum if they get disapproving looks and, "not cool, man, LB's our pal."
I know a lot of people CAN'T come out, or aren't ready to. But I can! And if I can clear the path for them just by existing in public, and soaking up other people's problems that don't usually bother me, then yes, I am gonna! The results so far have been really motivating. And the more years pass, the more likely I am to experience someone who responds, "Oh, I know other plurals/systems/multiples/dissociatives! Cool!" or "I am too!"
* I made this up. Nobody has ever claimed this about me... THAT I KNOW OF.
I quickly discovered that carrying my comics around with me could smooth these Social Anxiety Hell interactions. When that panicked look came into their eyes, we'd hand them a short little comic to read at their leisure in some quiet corner, and they'd just completely calm down. There was no longer a time pressure to Say The Right Thing Right Away. They had a socially acceptable thing to do that required little effort and didn't feel scary. (NOBODY looks at a 16-page floppy comic and has flashbacks to awful school reading.) They had a safe, easy way to shift their own ignorance, and because I was offering it to them, they didn't feel so much like they were imposing on me or taking up my time and energy. They didn't even have to worry they'd get a bad source! I was the authority on myself, after all! Online, it was similar procedure, just linking my website instead of handing them a comic.
Some people have a bad history with multis--an abusive multi ex, a cult leader who snatched them or their friend, whatever. They may have a truly hard time being in my presence, because there are so few multis in their life that it's hard to overcome the bad associations of That One Crew. That's their problem, not mine. I don't have to let it bother me, or take it personally. It's hard to overcome that kind of bad history! I dare say EVERYONE has some kind of person they have baggage around! (I do!) Often times, the person with that baggage KNOWS that it's not fair to tar everyone with the same brush, and they're trying not to! In that situation, it's better to just let them work it out at their own pace. I would rather someone be honest to me about that ("hey, I had a bad experience, I have a hard time being around multis, sorry,") than try to force themselves to be around me even when it's excruciating for them. (Obviously, this doesn't apply to things totally unavoidable. But most things are.)
Truly nasty people are a minority, and they're rarely subtle in that nastiness. Most people are simply ignorant. I have a general rule of carte blanche the first couple times someone meets me, because often, the only way to shift their ignorance is to answer a few rude, awkwardly worded, or simply "heard a million times" questions. (I truly don't mind the millionth-time questions. It means I have easy answers!) I still introduce myself to most strangers as "having multiple personalities," just because damn near everyone has an idea, however rough, of what that means. Meanwhile, "Dissociative Identity Disorder" has decent odds of a baffled but polite smile-and-nod response, which leaves nowhere to move forward. (And if they get snotty and say, "MPD's not the correct diagnosis anymore, you know," well then, that opens a conversation on the evolution of the diagnosis!)
Sometimes, someone is truly determined to make their shit My Problem, but often, the worst that happens is I feel a little bad and walk away. Then I go do something fun and forget them. I have zero desire to lock myself into a tiny armored coffin box for that tiny minority of jerks. (Also, in my experience, it doesn't work. See: why I had to move last time.) Often times, someone's BS doesn't have to be my problem! Say whatever you want about me, as long as you do it behind my back, where I don't have to see it! (And conversely, if you see someone trashing me, please don't tell me unless it's being something that I need to take real action over. I don't need to know Rando2589 hates my guts and claims I am a RA apologist*! I don't care! Why are their feelings/opinions/lies my problem?)
There are a lot of people over the years who've told me that just having me exist around them in a normal context helped make them cool (or at least cooler) with multis. Just watching me do boring human things like eat a sandwich, be at a house party or a work gathering, helped make multi just a normal part of their life. And the more people who feel it's normal, the more virtuous the cycle becomes; if someone goes, "Hey, that LB... what's their deal?" someone else can go, "Oh, they're multi. They have a website, here," sparing me the effort. The more people know me and see me as a normal part of life, the less likely they are to tolerate someone being a jerk to me. A lot of people act like jerks because they think they can get away with it, or that everyone secretly agrees with them. They lose a lot of momentum if they get disapproving looks and, "not cool, man, LB's our pal."
I know a lot of people CAN'T come out, or aren't ready to. But I can! And if I can clear the path for them just by existing in public, and soaking up other people's problems that don't usually bother me, then yes, I am gonna! The results so far have been really motivating. And the more years pass, the more likely I am to experience someone who responds, "Oh, I know other plurals/systems/multiples/dissociatives! Cool!" or "I am too!"
* I made this up. Nobody has ever claimed this about me... THAT I KNOW OF.