lb_lee: A happy little brain with a bandage on it, surrounded by a circle and the words LB Lee. (Default)
[personal profile] lb_lee

People assume that self-identified multiples just accept their existence with no incredulity or skepticism whatsoever.  These people don’t know shit.

When hubby first showed up here, I didn’t like him.  I hated him, because he was a sign we were getting crazier.  I spent months being a complete pain in his ass, trying to WILL him out of existence because I was a skeptical atheist and was playing the, “Scientifically PROVE to me you exist, and I’ll treat you like a person” game.

I was also playing this game with myself.  I was positive we were all a complex delusion that I could break with the sheer power of my super-rational atheist brain, and we’d return to being a singlet like was obviously objectively scientifically true.  I was not fun to be around back then.  And I STILL did better than Gigi, who tried to dehumanize herself into nonexistence by refusing herself any pleasures, any social activities.  She’d just lie on the floor and pretend to be dead, because she felt that if she treated herself like a human, she’d encourage herself to exist.  It was a terrible game.  There were no winners.

You do terrible things to people when you don’t believe they’re real.  If you think you’re just a delusion of personhood, any expression of that personhood is necessarily a symptom of mental illness requiring squashing.  And what’s the point of doing things you like?  It’s not like you’re a person who deserves it; you have to do what the REAL PERSON likes, because that’s what you truly like.  If your system doesn’t believe it truly exists, then you can abuse each other all you want, because lulz, it’s not like you’re REAL or MATTER.  Who would miss you if you were dead?  You’re just a fucking delusion who wants to be SPECIAL.

(This is a pretty common thing I feel, even now when depression creeps up on me.  I find myself thinking that if I were to die, it would be no big deal, because it’s not like I’m a person like singlets are… thankfully, I haven’t been depressed in a few months now.)

Determined to keep our grip on what was True and Right and Sane, we played some version of this game for seven years.  Because it was better to be miserable than crazy, or so we thought at the time.

Different system members gave up the fight at different times, but it was generally over the course of 2007.  We finally accepted that we were crazy, and it was only then that we started treating each other and ourselves well.  Only then did our life start to improve.

That’s why I get really irate with people who act as though I’m some idiot who effortlessly swallows whatever crazy bullshit my brain tells me.  They have no idea what realizing you’re crazy actually entails.

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