lb_lee: M.D. making a shocked, confused face (serious thought)
[personal profile] lb_lee
So.  One of my flist is snarking Anita Blake, Vampire Humper Hunter, by Laurell K. Hamilton.  For those who aren't familiar with the series, it started as a mediocre urban fantasy series, and then halfway through morphed into a really bad urban fantasy porno series.  Badly researched BDSM, men with ridiculously large penises, incompetent writing, one-way poly, and more creepy consent gray areas than I can shake a stick at.

One of my friends said that he thought he could write better porn, and he didn't write.  I added that I thought I could write better porn, and I'm a prude.

You see where this is going?  I'm sure you do.  I have decided that I am going to write porn, for the good of us all!  And I am going to do it better than Laurell K. Hamilton.

So yeah.  Give me a prompt, and I will write porn of it.  Be as thorough or vague as you want.

There are some things I have too big of squicks for to write convincingly.  They are:
  • rape/dubious consent
  • children
  • guro/vore
  • Nazis (or insert Terrifying Oppressor here)
So make me write porn, guys!  And I'll do it better than Hamilton!

(Comments screened, unless you ask me to do otherwise.) Man, you guys are shameless perverts! *laughs* Unscreened comments.

Fierce and the Fair part one

Date: 2011-03-11 04:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lb-lee.livejournal.com
I am discovering that the hardest part of this challenge is writing the actual sex explicit enough. Though this one is making me want to draw art for it.

Fierce and the Fair

They both worked the battlefield. Elan the Fair, captain of the Blood and Iron mercenary troupe, and Fierce Agate, daughter of the famous beauty and beast of Ferrengar. (She had taken after her father, pre-handsome-prince transformation, alas.)

Elan the Fair swung a sword to earn her bread. She was a dancing, weaving streak of bronze, famous for disarming the Knight of Waxenfeld on the field in three steps.

Fierce Agate swung a warhammer to purge her rage. She was a thundering, roaring terror, infamous for headbutting a man to death on the field with horns and tusks.

Elan the Fair's name came from remaining a beautiful woman, despite the scars and the missing incisor. Men on either side of the battlefield would pledge their hearts to her, call her their war angel, and she would only laugh and say that angels weren't meant to be kept.

Fierce Agate had gotten her name from her parents' hope that she would one day follow her father and transform into someone as beautiful as the gem. The 'Fierce' was self-explanatory. Her powerful shoulders and feral strength were a source of jealousy among many men, but not lust. She preferred it that way.

Elan the Fair was fond of the wine and ale. It relaxed and uplifted her, and spurred her to fun. One night, she danced a hornpipe on a bar faster than anyone could clap time, until she stopped dead, weaving slightly on her feet, because she had never seen anyone like Fierce Agate before.

Fierce Agate did not drink; it drove her to worse temper. She didn't dance either; she had all the lumbering grace of a carthorse. But when she saw Elan the Fair dancing on the bar, she could only come in and stare, mesmerized, because she had never seen anyone like her before.

Elan the Fair waved at her to come up.

Fierce Agate was on the bar in an instant.

They danced so hard the whole building shook, to the whoops and cheers of twenty drunken mercenaries, and Fierce Agate was too enthralled to be self-conscious, and Elan the Fair was laughing too hard to be graceful. They danced until their feet blistered, until their breaths came rough and harsh, until Fierce Agate's great rage no longer pressed behind her eyes and Elan the Fair's nimble feet could no longer keep time.

Then Elan the Fair, collapsed into Fierce Agate's arms, still laughing, and pulled her head down by the horns to kiss her, all smile and wine. And Fierce Agate was too drunk on the joy of the dance to resist.

A barroom fight broke out soon after that, but neither Elan nor Agate were concerned. They shoved and stomped their way out, and Fierce Agate destroyed a couple chairs without trying while Elan the Fair didn't even need those. While mugs flew and fists crashed, they staggered out the door, leaning on each other in exhaustion.

"You should come with me," Elan the Fair murmured.

Fierce Agate said yes.

In inn room candlelight, Elan the Fair was a study in soft hips and creamy skin, embroidered with scars of war. She let down her golden hair, wavy from days in braids, and she was so beautiful that Fierce Agate didn't know where to touch first.

Under the leather and mail, Fierce Agate was a mass of muscle and scar tissue, not all from external battles, with a large stomach and broad shoulders all covered in shaggy pelt. She put away her warhammer only reluctantly, nervously, and she was so nervous that Elan the Fair had to kiss every scar to ease her mind.

Elan the Fair's lips were soft and teasing, but she preferred to bite. She liked to see Fierce Agate twitch and gasp. She liked to know that under the fur, Agate would be nursing bruises for days, remembering who'd put them there, and perhaps forget the scars.

Fierce and the Fair part two

Date: 2011-03-11 05:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lb-lee.livejournal.com
Fierce Agate didn't dare kiss or bite--her teeth were sharp, and her tusks bulky. But her tongue was long and clever, and she loved to taste the sweat on Elan the Fair's freckled skin. She made Elan writhe and purr and tug her hair, and she loved knowing that the as strong as she was, she would leave no bruises, no bites, no injuries.

Elan the Fair smelled like wine and clean sweat, with the slightest hint of gunpowder. She was slick and open and eager, had no issue with fingers even of Fierce Agate's size, and she didn't mind the horns or tusks. The horns gave her something to hold on to, and she could angle her head to make the kiss easier, hips dancing under Fierce Agate's hand.

Fierce Agate smelled of something old and powerful, with the faintest unnatural buzz of the ensorcelled. She was rough and frantic and hungry, and she smacked Elan the Fair's hand away when it wandered too far up her thigh, until Elan murmured soothingly in her ear and she relaxed.

They danced in the bed until dawn, and when Elan could no longer keep the beat and Agate's strength found its limit, the collapsed amid the sheets in the morning sun.

Fierce Agate did not transform into a raving beauty. In Elan the Fair's arms, with bitten shoulders and her horns being petted, she already was.

Re: Fierce and the Fair part two

Date: 2011-03-12 12:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hobbit-cogs.livejournal.com
oh wait here it is

email notification durp!

*DELIGHTED* :D :D :D :D :D :D OMG LESBIAN BEAUTY AND BEST DO WANT

Re: Fierce and the Fair part two

Date: 2011-03-12 12:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lb-lee.livejournal.com
Haha, I'm glad you liked. Beauty and the Beast is also a tale really close to my heart (even though we hated the magical transformation ending from kindergarten age, because we thought the grown-ups were being hypocritical cop-outs).

Re: Fierce and the Fair part two

Date: 2011-03-12 12:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hobbit-cogs.livejournal.com
I LOATHED that ending too. So much. I'd just stop the movie when the Beast started to transform most of the times I watched it, because as far as I was concerned the magic SHOULD have just brought him back from the dead and left it there.

:D :D Also lesbian!beast is so excellent. DO WANT. I'd love to see you do art of this!

Have you ever read Rose Daughter?

Re: Fierce and the Fair part two

Date: 2011-03-12 12:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lb-lee.livejournal.com
Rogan: OMG we weren't the only ones! *joy* And total agreement with you on here.

Sneak: *wail* I mean, Disney's Beast design was so innovative and striking and well-done! The whole thing is just masterful; I love it. And what does he transform into? The blandest, most easy form of handsome prince around! He looks like he's off one of a million Renaissance paintings, not notable or individual in any way! (Though a lot of Disney princes have this problem. *sadface*)

Miranda: And we haven't read Rose Daughter, though we did read the Beauty by the same author. We tend to read as many Beauty and the Beast adaptations as we can get our hands on, and so far, The Fire Rose has been my favorite. Do you know it?

Re: Fierce and the Fair part two

Date: 2011-03-12 01:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hobbit-cogs.livejournal.com
I have not read Fire Rose. What sets it apart?

And I have also read Beauty, and actually thought it was.....meh. Nothing worth spending my time on. Rose Daughter, however, I LOVE the ending to, and I love some of the things McKinley does with it. If you like Beauty and the Beast retellings, I strongly suggest that one.

Re: Fierce and the Fair part two

Date: 2011-03-12 01:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lb-lee.livejournal.com
Well, the book does get to a slow start, but generally, I find the characters and environment fun (it takes place in turn-of-last-century California, with an interesting elemental magic system) but what I really love about it would involve spoilers. And how the beauty deals with the first shock of the beast's appearance is lovely and very much in-character

Isn't "Rose Daughter" the story of the daughter of the beauty or something? It's true, I don't recall Beauty being anything unusual. Well-written, but not really contributing anything new.

--Miranda

PS from Rogan: Have you seen the poster for this upcoming movie called Beastly (http://www.disneydreaming.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Beastly-Movie-Poster.jpg)? I was so fucking bummed, because I first thought that the beast was a woman, then realized that he wasn't SUPPOSED to look really fucking cool.

Re: Fierce and the Fair part two

Date: 2011-03-12 01:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hobbit-cogs.livejournal.com
Rose Daughter isn't about the daughter of the Beast, no. It's just a very good retelling, ALSO with a really interesting scene when she first sees and reacts to the Beast.

Who wrote Fire Rose?

Re: Fierce and the Fair part two

Date: 2011-03-12 02:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lb-lee.livejournal.com
Ah, I see! We shall have to investigate it then.

Mercedes Lackey wrote the Fire Rose. It has a rough start, and clunks into a couple romance/racial tropes, but on the whole, I do recommend it.

You might also like Susan Wilson's Beauty but I personally didn't care for the ending, which is quite sad. If you're more tragically minded, though...

--Miranda

Re: Fierce and the Fair part one

Date: 2011-03-12 12:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hobbit-cogs.livejournal.com
:D :D :D :D :D

BUT NOW I WANT THE PORN WHEN DO I GET THE PORN :D :D :D :D
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