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[personal profile] lb_lee
Okay, it's settled.  My creativity is DEAD.  I feel like I'm trying to milk a cow, only to realize the thing's a bull.  In desperate hopes of giving myself a juice transfusion, I'm going to the Internet and offering a proposition.  Comment here, and I'll write something for you.  I'm not promising the Oddysey, either in length or quality, but I'll do the best I can--and sometimes that's pretty dang good.  Since I'm new to this, no real guidelines or length restrictions yet.  So, ever wanted some a story about skeleton bureaucrats?  Give it to me.  If I know anything about the subject (or can at least bluff half-convincingly that I do), I'll write it for you.  Robots conquering Jupiter, Jacques and the killer tractor of doom, Ash learning to dance the flamenco with coconuts, the establishment of the greatest chicken farm in New Mexico, I DON'T CARE.  I'll write about you, your friends, your pets, the voices in your head.  I'll write fanfiction--heck, I'll write mpreg.

See?  That's desperation right there.  So, come on now, I know at least three of the people on this f-list are writers themselves; you know my pain.  Help a fellow out of writer's block.

Firefly/Callahan's: Part 1

Date: 2007-05-28 04:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lb-lee.livejournal.com
(Here it is. Sorry, first try went really badly, in one paragraph form, so lots of deleted comments.)

RELATIVITY

“Einstein was wrong.”

Wash looked up from his cushy pilot’s chair. According to Mal, River wasn’t supposed to be on the bridge—but she’d been relatively lucid the past few weeks, or at least hadn’t performed any stunts with pointy objects, and the girl had an uncanny ability of getting into places when the mood struck her. She was staring intently out into the black; she seemed to be enjoying a private joke.

“Who was what?”

“Einstein.” She beamed. “He was wrong.”

And then she flounced away, muttering about event horizons, imaginary numbers, and relativity. She was almost out the door when she paused, thrust her head back into the pilot room and added, “Dinosaur man should strap in before he goes extinct.”

“Is that what he was always going on about?” Wash inquired, but she was already gone.

It was just as well that he followed her cryptic advice, because twenty minutes later, he ran into a planet that by all rights shouldn’t have existed.

Unfortunately for him, Mal didn’t believe it.

Firefly/Callahan's: Part 2

Date: 2007-05-28 04:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lb-lee.livejournal.com
It was just as well that Callahan’s was almost empty on New Year’s Eve; the only ones in were Doc Webster, Fast Eddie, Jake Stonebender, and Callahan himself.

To be fair, there was a warning. Even the deafest, drunkest patron of Callahan’s Place would’ve heard the shriek that sounded like the great-grandfather of car brakes mating with a jet, and the noise continued for a good thirty seconds, growing steadily louder the whole time. At first, temples were rubbed and ears prodded, then anxious looks exchanged. By the time the CRASH shook the bar, most everyone was clutching their drinks, so fortunately, none fell off the bar to shatter and be lost forever. Callahan, in a stunning feat of agility no one expected him capable of, managed to catch three bottles of whiskey before they hit the floor.

For a minute or so after the crash, there was a series of interesting but rather frightening screeches and crunches of metal, reminiscent of an ex-girlfriend working over a car with a baseball bat. Then they stopped. For a second or so, there was silence and politely curious looks at the door, but nobody stood.

Then Callahan, with utmost calm, looked at his watch. “Shorty’s late.” He remarked.

There was a quiet ripple of laughter, and the tension lifted. The small got up to go to the door, but Fast Eddie got there first, and Doc Webster promptly wedged himself into the doorway after him, blocking the sight from everyone else.

The two of them stared out the doorway, frozen. Fast Eddie swore not so quietly. As for Doc Webster, he stood for a moment more, then scratched his head, settled back into a posture of casual calm, and said, “Gents, it looks like we have a ship-uation of utmost gravity.”

“Eddie?” Callahan asked, polishing a glass and seemingly absorbed in the task.

“Dere’s a spaceship in the parking lot, boss.” Fast Eddie translated.

“Anyone hurt out there?”

Fast Eddie craned his neck. “Fleetwood and a van.”

“Shit.” Jake said with resignation, and threw his glass into the fireplace. The Doc’s joined it—though it was accompanied with a sigh of relief.

“Was hoping to get rid of the damn thing.” He said happily, going to fetch his bag. “Let’s go greet the little green men. After that landing they could use a beer.”

Re: Firefly/Callahan's: Part 3

Date: 2007-05-28 04:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lb-lee.livejournal.com
“How do you run into a planet?” Mal demanded.

“It’s really quite simple.” Wash explained in the enthusiastic tone of a public health service holo. He began to move one hand towards the other with elegant sweeping movements. “You see, the planet comes this way… and the ship comes this way… and then they collide. It’s called physics, sir.”

“It’s flawed.” River supplied.

“I wasn’t asking you.” Mal told River, who looked sulky and turned away. “Well, which planet is it?”

“I tell you, there is no planet.” Wash replied.

“My boat, the turf, and the pieces of my boat on the turf argue otherwise.”

“That they do,” Wash admitted, “but it’s not on the charts, it’s not on the historical records, and it didn’t come up on any of Serenity’s equipment.”

“Until we crashed into it.” Mal said.

“Well, yes, until we crashed into it.”

This didn’t entirely save Wash from Mal’s wrath, but at least it redirected a portion of it towards Kaylee, who rushed by at just that time to issue a damage report on the engine. Wash took advantage of the momentary distraction to get out of the way. He had to get off this ship before Mal threw him off it.

Re: Firefly/Callahan's: Part 4

Date: 2007-05-28 05:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lb-lee.livejournal.com
It didn’t take long for the Callahan’s patrons to realize the spaceship wouldn’t be holding an invasion. The metal panel holding two-thirds of the name ‘Serenity’ in English and Chinese lay five feet from the door, seemingly unperturbed by its own irony.

“Huh.” Jake remarked. “Time-travel for the masses?”

“They better pray on the statute of limitations.” Callahan responded.

Sparking cables and hull panels littered the parking lot. Car alarms were bleating plaintively, but insurance could wait until the casualties were assessed.

Unfortunately, there was no way to tell; the ship was shut tight, and despite the battering, it didn’t look inclined to popping open under the manpower of a motley swarm of barflies.

After some concerned swarming about, everyone stood, a little perplexed and embarrassed. How do you gain a spaceship’s attention, anyway? Radio? Pound on the hull? Shout, “Hello in there?”

Before a debate could break out on the proper way to contact a spaceship, the cargo hatch opened. It sparked and groaned in metal protest, but at least it functioned, and out strode a small man in a Hawaiian shirt and a pilot jumpsuit, followed by an unhappy-looking roughneck bleeding onto his collar.

“Hey, Jayne, look!” Said the pilot in a tone of utmost unconcern. “I landed us near a bar! Not on a bar, but near a bar!”

Jayne snarled, “Good. I need a drink. The hell are we, anyway?”

“Does it matter if it has a bar?”

Callahan bellowed over the banter, “Is everyone okay in there?”

“I’m peachy, except for needing a gorram drink.” Jayne responded.

The pilot approached the motley crew with a beaming smile and outspread hands. “My dear sweet primitive aliens, we are very sorry for crashing into your parking lot. Have you perchance liquid, preferably of high alcohol content and in great quantities?”

The answer seemed fairly obvious. When a spaceship crashes into your parking lot, it only makes sense to buy the poor suckers a drink.

The End

Never did fanfic before, so this was new. I was just dismayed; Callahan's is a lot higher in my ranks than Firefly, but I found Firefly a lot easier to write. Phooey.

Re: Firefly/Callahan's: Part 4

Date: 2007-05-28 06:05 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Yes, in fact, I have fallen madly in love with you.

But I want to know what happens next :)

Re: Firefly/Callahan's: Part 4

Date: 2007-05-28 09:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lb-lee.livejournal.com
Well, in that case, I do believe I'll see what I can do and get more out of it. I can definitely go on from there; I just figured that was a good impromptu stopping point to see if it was any good for you. Thus: ONWARD!

Re: Firefly/Callahan's: Part 5

Date: 2007-05-31 07:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lb-lee.livejournal.com
"So how far in the future are you boys, anyway?" Doc Webster inquired as he poured a modest amount of gin on an impromptu dressing, before putting the liquid to its more conventional purpose. Jayne grunted in pain when the dressing touched skin, then wrenched the bottle from the sawbones's hand to take a gulp himself.

"The hell're you talkin' about?" The roughneck replied, gesturing at the pilot with the bottle as though he was considering beating him with it. "All I know is Wash smashed us into a planet."

"I tell you, it's not here. None of this exists." Wash said, waving at the armchairs around him with a beatific smile. He had barely started drinking and already looked to be considering inebriation. "Which is really too bad, because this is good Ng Ka Py. Maybe I've died and gone to the Earth That Was..."

Mal was sitting in one of Callahan's chairs, having a cut on his brow stitched by Simon, whose more formidable bag of equipment had drawn the corner of Doc Webster's eye. The rough landing had ruined all but the dim emergency power, and no one was interested in wasting the energy when there was a perfectly well-lit bar fifty yards away.

"You haven't died and gone to the Earth That Was." He said to Wash, his displeasure evident. "Because if you had died and gone to the Earth That Was, I wouldn't be here to keelhaul you for smashing us into it."

Wash shrugged. "Never said I was perfect."

Jayne looked up from his own tending. It had taken him a while, but he seemed to have finally recognized the disparity between the two doctor's equipment. "How come YOU get Simon?" He demanded of Mal. "I'm bleeding more'n you."

"I'm the captain, Jayne. We get better insurance."

"You don't got no insurance! You ain't even a captain. To be a captain, you need a boat--and that two hundred tons of go se in the parking lot is not a boat."

"Funny." Mal's voice was developing that dangerous quiet that warned of an upcoming storm. "Because I seem to recall flying it until a moment ago..."

Wash wisely decided to keep all wisecracks to himself at this moment. Unlike Jayne, he had the ability to be quiet.

Going to an earlier subject, and thankfully halting the argument in the process, Fast Eddy cut in with, "De Earth Dat Was?" His forehead had wrinkled up until it resembled that of a Shar-Pei.

Jake Stonebender, who was in possession of a quicker wit, said to Wash, "Looks like you've got the best of both worlds. You're both on Earth and alive."

"HA!" Wash declared, pointing a triumphant finger at his captain, who had begun to grit his teeth.

Re: Firefly/Callahan's: Part 1

Date: 2007-05-28 05:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bleemoo.livejournal.com
*blink*

*blink blink*

This is very promising. Keep it up and I may fall madly in love with you.

Re: Firefly/Callahan's: Part 1

Date: 2007-05-28 05:49 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Oh, I only got an email about the first part. Reading the rest now. P.S. Sorry I was not around to chat.
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